WAW - Is there any hope of reconciliation?

[Steven7]

Hi, I'm new here so here is my summary.

My wife walked out 8 weeks ago. We have no children.

For 6 years we had no arguments and led a very happy life together. Each of us allowed the other independence to see friends and do other interests without getting jealous or argumentative about not seeing enough of each other.

For the past 2 years my wife has had a lot to deal with: Her mum was diagnosed terminally ill and died over Christmas 21 months ago, since then her dad has found someone new, my wife's job was threatened, her sister's long term relationship fell apart and then rekindled, my wife got a promotion with more responsibilities, her dad's new GF moved in with her dad, my wife's best friend was jilted at tyhe alter. All this plus the strain of aniversaries associated with her mum: illness, death, birthday etc.

Throughout I have tried to be there but was increasingly pushed out and told that she was too tired/stressed to speak about things or organise shared events. She eventually developed a habit of going out with work friends that I wasn't invited to join on one night, and then being bored/depressed and hung-over at home with me the next.

She says she doesn't love me and has now decided that there were problems before her mum was ill.

Now I don't know what to do. I want ot be there for her but she has said she doesn;t want this.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do? How I could behave? Should I meet her? What should I say/do/not say or not do?

She has done this before as her previous long-term boyfriend was pushed out as she fell out of love with him just after she lost her grand father.

Has anyone got any positive ideas that may have a hope of reconciling me and my wife?

[NSweet]

Since others refuse to answer any posts other than their own, I will help you.

The big misunderstanding here is that she just all of a sudden fell out of love with you,no one just falls out of love and they certainly do not forget. I can tell you from my experience that all the sweet things you did for her, every memory of love is now clouded by anger and hurt because of the loss of her mother. For that reason she will push away everyone that tries to help. She will blame you for everything because it makes things easier on her until she has come to terms and is ready to open up again.

If you ever want to win her back you need to stop persuing her, stop calling her and checking up on her, and stop contacting her period. Right now she needs space to find herself and you need to heal the pain and figure out what went wrong so you can work on yourself. Give her anywhere from a couple weeks to two months for her to contact you, it never really takes longer than a month or so for her to miss you.

When you do talk to her your best bet is take things like this is a do-over, that means you have to get her to open up all over again but without trying to seduce her. She will be ripe with seeded pain and just looking for an excuse to lash out which is where that cool and collected mind you developed during that period of no contact comes in.

Even in the worst of circumstances your first contact will just be both of you checking in on eachother and last about ten minutes or so. That is unless you can figure out a way to distract her and get her to laugh or escelate her mood three or more times, then ask her openly about meeting somewhere where there is little or no pressure to get her to stay. Trust me on this one I used to date a lot of messed up girls and it never failed to get them to admit what was going on.

I could keep going with this all night but will save you the trouble and end with this; Look man I know what you're going through, all the pain and resentment, but you know for a fact that she is hurting just as much as you are. All she needs is some time to sort herself out with no pressure to return and her best friend and husband to be there for her when she gets everything settled out. I went through the same thing with my wife except it was a divorce to free herself from life's pressures, soon after she realized what she was missing and now we are slowly working at reconciling or delaying the process for more time.

[MrBond]

NSweet

"Since others refuse to answer any posts other than their own, I will help you. "

That is one of the rudest things I've ever heard anyone say on here. I don't know if you've realized it, but there are alot of posts going on. Just because no one has answered yet, does not mean that people don't care about his sitch. And BTW, your holier than thou attitude [censored].

[MrBond]

Steven7,

Have you read DB or DR? Could you flesh out your marital history a little more? It helps when we know the full details. Also it helps if we know your ages and if there are kids involved.

We've all been through this, so most importantly, understand that you're not alone.

[~ kd ~]

Steven, unfortunately it is a little unclear, but this specific forum is for people who are planning on leaving their spouses.

Yes, some people who want to exit a marriage will actually seek out this site to speak with people to see if maybe they should change their mind...

So this forum especially, can get very little traffic.

If you would start a thread in the newbies forum, you are likely to get more support. But it still takes time to get into the mix at the beginning...