Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

SBH, Angel and 25 - many, many thanks for your advice and support! It really, really helps to see things from another POV and get a clear picture of what I am doing wrong and right.

25 - It has been a wake-up call to have you ask if I want reconciliation in my M. It shows me that my actions HAVE NOT been consistent with my goal of saving my M. If my actions don't indicate to you what my intent is, I can see how they wouldn't to my H either. I have to change A LOT of my behavior to get there...

To answer the Q about what I have done so far, let me give you some background:
When H first moved out, I started using Mort Fertel's approach to saving my marriage, (it basically calls for personal change and unconditional love 24/7. Not really much on setting personal limits or detachment).

To work on my personal changes, I started reading about and working on how to control my anger and made lots of improvements. I also made my R with H a priority - I had an open door policy at home, treated as if he still lived here - made him dinner, let him hang out as often and as long as he wanted, bought him gifts, listened intently to what he said, called him, left him little notes and overall just showed him with my daily actions my love and how he was a priority for me. I also tried to be affectionate, showed a lot of respect for his personal life and avoided all talk of our R. Even when I would catch him lying or when he finally admitted to "dating" I kept my strong stance and kept loving him unconditionally.

We practically stopped arguing for a few months (we used to fight daily when we were together) and we definitely became closer. He started not only being friendly with me, but opening up and sharing things about his personal life and his feelings again. I even noticed him really questioning himself and having second thoughts. He also often complimented me on my changes and how well I was doing emotionally and would even ask me what I was doing that was helping me so much.

But then things took a turn in June (I still have not been able to pinpoint what I did that caused this change exactly) and his R with OW got stronger. In early July OW left her husband. I found this out 5 days after our son was born, when he finally told me he had decided to pursue his R with her and that he loved her. He has now openly talked about his intent of filing for D very soon. He now denies every having doubts or giving me any false hopes.

This is when I had a major emotional backslide. Anger and despair invaded me again. I also know that going thru all the hormonal changes related to childbirth and maybe even some post-partum depression have not helped...

So when things started going south, I immediately decided to change gears. I discovered Michelle and read both DB and DR books. I have also had 3 sessions with a Coach and I definitely have a list of things to work on and a plan of action.

Unfortunately, my emotions have overpowered me more frequently and with the curve balls H has thrown at in the last couple of months, I have been doing everything wrong - pressuring, talks of R and OW, guilting, etc. (I think my posts have shown how my behavior has not been the best...)

So not surprisingly, we have gone back to arguing. H distrusts me again. I know that right now my worst enemy are my emotions and my lack of control of them.

I do well when there are no triggers, but when OW is in town or H visits her, all my emotions start taking over and I display bad behavior, pressure, etc. I am working on looking for those triggers and get back to my anger management techniques and the advice from my coach, but IT IS SO HARD... It is actually the biggest challenge I have faced in my life and I am not always successful.

And now to answer what I want and what I am currently doing to improve myself...

I want to succeed in being in control of my emotions so I can be happier in all my relationships.
I have started exercising - to feel well, look better and to control my emotions and release negative energy. I keep reading, journaling, writing, seeking support here and doing exercises to predict patterns, behaviors and triggers. I also have started to work on stopping any negative thoughts or related to OW, using the stop sign technique and I have had more success lately in getting negative thoughts out of my mind.

I am working on opening up more to those close to me. One of Hs biggest complaints was that I never showed vulnerability with him or others. I am working on letting my emotions show more, even if I appear fragile. This one is very much WIP, specially with my immediate family. It will take a lot to reverse a behavior I've had ingrained forever and that has been part of my family dynamics for generations...

I want to focus on my kids and have been working on being happy and present with my children and showing them A LOT of love and attention, since they are struggling so much with their emotions. One of the things I will discuss with L this week is how long I can stay at home with the kids before going back to work.

I also want to save my M, so I have been doing little and bigger things.

I am taking care of myself - since H left, I dress nicely every day, wear high heels,, fix my hair, wear make-up and perfume and just make sure I look very nice. I get compliments all the time, even in front of H. Yet he is completely aloof and indifferent. It's hard to see how he doesn't see me as a woman anymore, even if I wear something sexy - there is no attraction for him anymore

I keep reminding myself of what 25 said - I need to be a person H will want to come back to.
So I have been acting as if, looking happy and busy with my life when H is present. I have had a bit more success with this one lately. Yet, H commented to a mutual friend 2 weeks after our son was born that he wanted me to start dating (!!!), so I know that he feels less guilty when he sees me having a more socially-active life, so it doesn't bother him at all Yet I still am inviting my girl friends over and go out with them whenever H takes kids and I also take the kids to visit my parents regularly or invite them over. I will still have the challenge to face A LOT of people and collegues when I get back to work... I have not made it public to my extended network that I have been separated for 9 months now. So it will be hard to face "the world"

I have also completely changed my outlook re. money and my job. I am ok with letting go of my career in the entertainment industry. My days of high salaries and very long hours are gone. (H always said he was supportive of my career, but the reality is that my long hours definitely contributed to the demise of our M). So the day after H moved out, I talked to my boss and negotiated a reduced workday - from 12 to 8 hrs. That was my very first change... H did notice and was shocked that I did it consistently. But now, even 8 hrs. is too much (commute itself is an additional 2 hrs...) So my goal is to work from 9 - 3 and be here with the kids the rest of the time. I am ok with earning a lot less money. After all, what good did it do? We are on the verse of losing all our financial gains and I have lost the most imp R in my life... I am ok doing whatever job that will pay the bills, but will allow me quality time to spend with those I love the most.

Finally, I am working on staying out of the way of Hs R with OW. (although with a lot of setbacks). It also takes a lot of will power to remain discreet and not expose him to our families. My parents adore him and are devastated as is, so I know they would be very hurt if they knew exactly how things are. I am also very very close to all his family and would not want to be the one to tell them how he has behaved and bring them that pain.) In the end, I think I have a better chance at saving my M if I don't expose and I also want to protect my kids from getting hurt. Yet part of me wished someone would try to talk to H. Since he has isolated himself from everyone who will not be supportive of his actions, he is not getting ANY alternate advice from anyone...Just a handful of his "friends" who tell him how he has a right to be happy. It will be harder for him to come back to planet earth if he doesn't face consequences or rejection from anyone. But I guess like 25 says, things will happen on their own and I need to get out of the way.

The one thing I have going my way is that I continue trying, but I now need to find a way to turn the corner. I am also having a very hard time balancing the need to set limits, to detach and to act as if...There also seems to be a fine line between putting the R first (part of Michelle's Keeping Love Alive" techniques and the need to detach and not pursue. I will schedule another session with coach tomorrow to clarify a lot of these points with her, but any thoughts from you guys will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again!