Not quite in midseason form...yet

[MadeToSucceed]

I actually had a conversation with someone that night where they told me that OM #1 was actually trying to get in touch with one of my W's colleagues via text and invite her out to see him the week AFTER my W left...literally seconds after he finished having a conversation with my W. Somehow OM #1 tried to spin it as the colleague was the one trying to initiate this and so my W got "territorial" and started sending out subliminal messages via twitter. Extremely petty and silly even that she would continue to expose herself in such a manner. The colleague was so upset she was going to go on a rant on twitter and/or Facebook and basically out my W and OM #1 but cooler heads prevailed and someone convinced her that was not something she should do. Further proof that this guy is no good. OM #2...can't comment as much on there...all I know is apparently this guy has been with his gf for 5 years but finds himself torn between my W and his gf. I feel for his gf and at times wish there was a way to let her know what's going on or even let OM #2 know about OM #1 and vice versa. I know that's not something I can do. It just...I don't know...I guess it just frustrates me because it seems like she's getting away with it all the time but I also realize that's the part of my forgiveness I have to work on the most. I don't truly ever wish anything ill on her but I do have moments of just flat out anger where I wish the veil could be pulled back and people see what's going on for what it is. Then I try to quickly center myself and realize that God is in control and whatever needs to happen will happen in His time and in His way, not mine.

Sunday morning I watched church from home. That's two weekends now that I haven't gone to church on Sunday (but I have still been attending mid week Bible Study). I need to do something about that and make sure I go next weekend. I watched a preacher that I usually record from home that morning and he spoke on praying for others and having others pray for you using Colossians 1:9-14 as the prayer and replacing the word 'you' throughout those passages with the person's name you're praying for. I'm going to start praying that prayer for my W and if any of you choose to pray for me and/or my W, I'd ask that you do the same and I'll prayer that prayer for you all as well. I did make it to my DivorceCare meeting and it was about forgiveness this week. I could fill a whole thread with the insight learned there but it was great for me. I came home and plopped down on the couch and watched football all day. I have Sunday NFL Ticket so I can watch multiple games at once and in doing so, OM #1 and OM #2 showed up on the screen often. That's when my stomach began to turn a bit.

Thoughts started racing through my head again...is she there? Is she tweeting about either of them? Is she "proud" of their performance? It was tough to stop those thoughts...I wanted to watch the ballgames and not let their presence in the games dictate my attitude but at the same time it was tough to avoid. The commentator even made mention that OM #1's bday is this month and it reminded me of my W supposedly planning a party for him. A part of me wants to snoop and try to confirm some of that stuff but I know it'll probably just bring more hurt than help so I decided against that. A friend and I spoke briefly Sunday night while I was washing clothes for the week. She told me she'd heard a sermon say your mate is someone capable of giving up their present configuration to make you a priority. When she said that, I realized there were times in my M I didn't do that. I also realized that in the 6 months prior to this all starting, that was something I did very well. My friend pointed out the key is we both have to do it...it takes two.

I know she's right but I guess I just have moments where I feel as if I'll be viewed as damaged goods...like I'll be labeled. Lots of people won't know the truth of my sitch and so I'll be seen as some guy who was a terrible husband and couldn't hold his M together. I've often heard some women are attracted to married men because they know that there's something about that man that another truly wants if they're willing to spend a lifetime with that person. Well is the opposite true as well? A divorced man isn't an attractive potential partner because a woman DIDN'T want to spend a lifetime with him? My friend tried to reassure me that everyone has a past and that there's a woman waiting for me that will see my strength and character and how I developed from that struggle...she made it a point to say I'm not damaged...I'm wiser. I tend to agree. It's just rough.

This past Saturday marked 5 straight weeks my W and I haven't had a single verbal conversation and 5 straight weeks since I've seen her. She's not attempted to contact me anymore beyond the couple "business related" items she did earlier this month. Her bday is this month. Our anniversary is early next month before mediation in mid Oct. Some very interesting days lie ahead. I'm not really sure how I feel today. I have a strange feeling in my gut that won't go away since late yesterday afternoon. Not really sure what to do with it other than to just keep praying and keep GAL'ing away. Maybe it's because my grandfather is leaving today and I know I'm going to be alone again. I don't know. Just feel strange this morning.