Hello all. I don't know where else to turn, so thought I'd go ahead and post here. I've been lurking here for a couple of weeks now and I am amazed at the support going on here.
Let's start at the beginning. Get ready. This sucker is long and I'll probably do a lot of rambling. Thanks for your patience.
H and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary in April. We have two boys together (4.5 years and 15 months). He is active Army and I am a SAHM.
A little less than three years ago, we decided we needed a break from the constant deployments, so we decided to try recruiting for a few years. We knew from the start that it would be tough on both of us. What neither of us was prepared for was the fact that it would tear our family apart. He despises his job and has longed to go back to operational Army for a long time now. Unfortunately, we had no choice but to ride out the storm.
He became depressed and emotionally closed off. I guess that at some point, I just kind of "gave up" and became unhappy, myself. I admit that I did a lot of nagging, but he was just not "there". Our boys are very high maintenance and our youngest hates sleep lol. Needless to say, I am one tired mama and I expected him to help me out more around the house and with the kids. With my nagging, he closed up even more. He quit wanting to do things as a family and started seeking fun with his friends more often. I would stupidly nag him about that and try hard to get him to do things as a family and with me as his wife. He would just become that much more distant.
I guess it was about 8 months ago when things started to get really bad. It was obvious that neither of us were very happy and I suggested marriage counseling on multiple occasions. He always declined. We would talk and things would get better for a week or so, then it would go right back to the way it was. He started taking his anger out on our kids. Yelling at them for virtually no reason. Of course, I would jump in and try to defend our kids and diffuse, which only made him more angry. At one point, he agreed to see an IC. He went for about 3 weeks and things started to get better. Then, out of nowhere, he stopped going and things picked up where they left off.
Three weeks ago, he yelled at our oldest. I went off on him and called him some names. He stormed off to the bedroom. I followed him back and tried to make him see how much he has changed and that this isn't the H I know and love. He became very defensive and started yelling at me. To try to make him see what an impact he is having on our family, I told him how I had thought of taking the kids and leaving (honest truth - thought about it on multiple occasions, but I love him so much and want more than anything for our marriage to work). He got up and started packing his stuff. He said he needed to get away for a few days to clear his head and figure out what he feels is best for the kids, himself, and us.
He came home the following day and told me that he wanted a D. I cried, begged, and pleaded. He said he still loves me, but that he's just unhappy. I told him that if he really did love me, he would try marriage counseling. I then just walked away. He followed me and just sat silent for a few minutes. Finally, he said he would try MC. I was overjoyed! He decided to go ahead and stay with his friend that night, but said he would be back the following day.
He came back home as planned. I scheduled the appointment with an MC and we were set to see him within the week. Monday and Tuesday looked promising. I felt hope. Wednesday night, the mess hit the fan.
It was a stupid fight over the TV remote. He didn't want to compromise with me on what to watch (he always monopolizes the TV). I asked him why it was so difficult for him to compromise with me - why he couldn't do something so small if it would make me happier. He said he didn't know. I pointed out to him that things didn't start getting bad until he started hanging out with his friends more often than his family. That was when he told me that he had been lying to himself (and me) for a long time. He said he loves me as the mother of his children, but not as his wife. I walked into the other room and collapsed onto the floor, bawling. I was an utter mess.
Once I started calming down, he started talking. He said he would like to remain separated until one of us decides to remarry, as he would like for me to maintain our military benefits. He said I could have everything in the house and that he would make sure I am financially secure. With that, he left. Over the next few days, he came to me with a financial plan. One that I could NOT agree to. Sorry, but I gave up my own plans to follow him all over the country in support of his career and to raise his kids. My journey to better myself was put on hold. He was only willing to pay child support and cover a few of my bills (car payment, car insurance, and cell phone) for 3 months (NOT enough time for me to get on my feet). The fight got ugly and he said he just wanted a D. He also said he wants us (the boys and I) to move back to our hometown asap, so he can get our finances straight (we are living paycheck to paycheck).
We didn't mention it again for a week or so and we were both much more civil to one another. Oh, I forgot to mention that I kept the appointment with the MC, but he's just my IC now. He also happens to be fully aware of DB'ing and actually attended some kind of course on the strategies (he has a certificate and everything!). So, I've been seeing my counselor and implementing 180's and GAL. I've cut off unnecessary contact with him and started going to church. I thought things were getting better. There were little hints in things he said that gave me hope.
Then today... oh man. Apparently, the people he is staying with are giving him 60 days to move out (he's not paying them rent). Because of this, he wants to do a divorce settlement and get the boys and I the hell out of here. He can't afford his own place with the kids and I still here in this house. There are a few problems here:
[list] [*]we need money for us to move [*]we need money to get the ball rolling on the stupid D [*]I'm not ready for this to be over
I spoke with an attorney briefly today. Without having gone into too much detail, he basically said that H is bent if he thinks he's going to financially get off that easily. I just feel like the whole financial situation is putting us in a really bad predicament and will make things extremely difficult when it comes to me trying to DB. I don't know what to do. I'm not ready for this to be over, but he's pushing so hard. I just have a feeling this is going to get so ugly.
I want my H back. I want the man that I fell head over heels for to come back. I don't know where he went, but this is NOT him. Can anyone offer an words of wisdom? I'm so lost right now. My world is upside down. Such a nightmare.
I forgot to add that I believe he is having an EA with his friend's best friend. He "mis-texted" me on a phone IM app. It was a couple of weeks ago, and I'm thinking it very well may have been intentional. The series went like this:
"I know you are paying attention to class, but I just wanted you to know how truly blessed and lucky I feel to have you in my life. You have given me new purpose in life and made me happier than I have ever been. I love you!"
He then "realized" that he im'd it to me instead of her. He said:
"Don't get me wrong. The love I have for you is as a friend and the mother of my children."
"Let's stop the bs and get along."
"Our kids don't deserve this."
"Wow. That's one for the autocorrect website. So not what I meant to type."
Yeah. He totally tried to blame it on autocorrect. Riiiiiight.
My response was:
"I knew it. At least now I have a concrete answer."
He denied it at first, trying to maintain that it was autocorrect's fault. He really must think I'm an idiot. He finally admitted that it was for her. He claims that there is nothing going on, and that they are simply helping each other through a tough time (she and her husband are separated too - big surprise).
Before I stopped obsessing over his phone records, I noticed that he was calling her immediately after he and I had some sort of interaction. In my book, when someone is talking to an outsider consistently about their messed up marriage, that is most likely an EA. What do y'all think?
I had been journaling on a blog. Thought I would add put some of my entries on here.
September 4, 2011
Stop Pursuit
Everything I've read says that at this point, if I want him back, I have to stop pursuing him. As hard as it is, that's what I'm doing. Last night, I told him that as much as I don't understand how he can throw us away without even trying to make it work, I just want him to be happy. That's the honest truth.
I have come to the realization that I can do this. I don't want to, but I will survive. I'm not done fighting. Oh no. I'm not done fighting. But I am prepared for the possibility that it really is over.
The best way to win him back is to make him miss me; make him question why he left in the first place. So that's my plan. J is coming by today, to visit with the boys and allow me some alone time out of the house. When he comes over, I will look good, I will look happy, and I will look composed. He cannot see my sadness. He cannot see my pain. The house will be in order. The boys will be dressed. Maybe it'll make him think. If it doesn't, I've realized that it's his loss. Whether he comes back or not, I am working on me. I am bettering me.
I will stop pursuit.
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
I should have seen it coming.
I was so proud of myself. I was cool, calm, collected, and confident. It was hard at first, but when he responded in a good way, it was easy to reciprocate. It came together naturally. Sadly, though, that ended when I showed the slightest bit of vulnerability. After finally getting around to having "the talk"with M, I explained to J that I wasn't sure how long I could wait around and that I wasn't sure how I would accept it, if he decided this was just a phase. He assured me that it is not a phase. I noticed he was still wearing his ring, but didn't say anything right away. I called him later, to ask why he was still wearing it. He said he just hasn't taken it off yet, and reminded me that he's done.
The talk with M went well. I'm sure more questions will pop up as we move along, but for now, he is coping well.
J's sister agrees that he is not the same person. I think she is as floored by this whole thing as I am. She took it upon herself to call and try to talk some sense into him. Or at least try to figure out his side. She said some things that she knew would strike a nerve, in the hopes that he would really start thinking about his decision to abandon us. He hung up on her. He posted an update on facebook, talking about how he is now the outcast of the family, and that they are ashamed and embarrassed of him. I hate that he's hurting, but I hope like hell that this will cause something to awaken inside of him. He's better than this. WE'RE better than this.
He is planning to come over on Tuesday so we can compare our lists of expectations of one another (we plan to get that notarized). He will be having dinner with us that evening. I think anyway. I don't know if the recent conversation with his sister has made him change his mind. All I know, is that I am not done. I don't know how long I can keep fighting for something/someone that may or may not be a lost cause, but for now, I am still here. I will be fighting for the both of us, since he doesn't quite know how to do that at the moment.
Believe None of What You Hear
Every time I hear a crotch rocket, for a split second, I think it's you coming home.
And leftovers after dinner suck.
September 5, 2011
Just Stop
Giving J's sister the go ahead to contact him was the biggest mistake ever. He is now so closed off, so angry. I fear that has officially been pushed him over the edge. There is just no turning back for him. Sometimes, when I ask him a question, I can feel that he's searching inside of himself for the right answer. But something clicks and instead of being honest, he becomes angry. Where all this anger is coming from, I don't know. Guilt? Maybe. All I know is that if I have any chance at all of fixing this, everyone needs to just leave him alone. No more pressure on J. It will make him crack. That's the last thing we need. I will not give in to my feelings and emotions again. I will leave him to play everything out on his own. In the mean time, I am fixing myself. For now, I am just done.
It's Not Over
Oh how I love irony.
Several years ago, J picked out and bought me the perfect coffee mug. I cherished that mug. One day, I dropped it and the handle broke off. I super glued it back together, but knew that if I wanted to keep it intact, I would no longer be able to use it for my coffee. I used it as a pen holder on the counter.
A couple of months ago, J wrote me a little note and left it on the counter. It said
L, I love you! You are and always have been the love of my life! See you in a little while.
Love, -Me-
Short, but sweet. I put it inside the coffee mug so that I would see it each time I reached for a pen.
Tonight, I bumped the mug off the counter. It shattered to the ground. Completely irreparable. Alongside the broken pieces, lay that note. How's that for a little irony. Then, to top it all off, I managed to cut myself while cleaning it up. All I could do was laugh at the situation.
Tomorrow! I am so looking forward to tomorrow. I have my therapy session in the morning. After that, it's off to get M from school. My lovely neighbor, A, said she would come by and bring me some lunch and talk. I love her. I can't let her stay too long though. J confirmed that he is coming over tomorrow and he will be staying for dinner! He said he would stick around until the boys are in bed. That should give me plenty of time for a bit of a do-over and to get the stupid list done. Plus, he'll get to tuck M into bed. That boy needs his daddy.
I will be cooking fried pork chops. That's something we both enjoy, but I made sure not to choose any of his most favorite meals. It had to be something that takes a bit of effort, but not over the top. I think I am making the right choice. I spent the evening tidying up the house. Luckily, D seems to be sleeping decently tonight (knock on wood). I even cleared off the mess of a dining room table, in the hopes that we can have dinner as a (dysfunctional) family, rather than nom out in front of the TV.
The best part? I have zero expectations. I feel good about this. I can do this. I will do this.
September 10, 2011
What I Wish I Could Ask You Right Now
A few months ago, I was going through a hard time, feeling like you didn't love me. Recently, you said you haven't loved me for quite some time. I want to know WHY you hugged me so tightly that night, reassuring me that you love me with all your heart and that you always will. Why? Just when I think I am starting to do better, my feelings flood over me. Poor M says my crying is getting annoying. I just want you to come home. Come home, Baby! We can do this!
180 is Tough Stuff
The theory behind doing a "180" is that if you begin to do the exact opposite of what your initial reaction is, you can maybe bring him/her back to you. The key is to stop them from thinking any negative thoughts about you, in the hopes that they can conjure up other feelings at some point.
Today, I resisted calling to tell J how funny I think it was that the boys and I found ourselves in a gay church today. I would have loved to have shared that with him, but I'm glad I didn't. Maybe it'll give me a way to break the ice tomorrow when he comes to see the boys.
Late last night, J posted "Dead Memories" by Slipknot to his facebook. Biggest slap in the face. It was like he was trying to hurt me. I nearly asked him if that was his intentions. I even went as far as to ask him if I could ask him a question. When he told me, "sure," I told him nevermind. Very proud of myself for that one.
I just hope he comes back around one day, before it's too late.
The Notebook
Just watched The Notebook. Man, I love that movie. Funny to see all the similarities between their trials and ours. What Noah said to Allie when he was trying to convince her to stay with him, I wish I could yell in J's face.
"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once. I think I can lose you again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out."
September 12, 2011
Another Dinner
He's coming over tonight after work. He said he wants to stick around and eat with us. Right now, my plans are to keep putting on a front that I have my [censored] together. Fake it till ya make it. One day soon, I really will have my [censored] together. For now, he doesn't need to know that I spend much of my days pining away. It's good that I have the boys. They bring so much joy to my life and help keep me focused. I am at the point where I know I must keep living. It may be with him; it may be without him. I am not certain there. What I am certain of is that I will eventually be okay. I am valuable. I am strong. If he doesn't realize that (or realizes it when it's too late), well that's just his loss.
Don't Mean Much
Tonight's visit was a repeat of last week's dinner. Perfection. It always makes me so sad to see how beautiful our life together could be, but isn't at the moment.
He told me tonight that he is following my lead and will be attending church. I've never been the praying type, but I am praying like a mad-woman that he actually follows through and is floored by the sermon.
September 14, 2011
Purging
I haven't been sleeping in my bed lately because there's too much "J" in that room. This morning. I decided to purge. Anything of his or anything that reminds me of him is being placed out of my view. While I was putting pictures away in a drawer, I came across a little piece of paper where I first jotted down his phone numbers. It's funny that I have held onto that small piece of paper all these years. And do you know what? Seeing that didn't make me sad! Yes, it made me miss him a little more, but I actually smiled at the rush of good memories of our very first encounters. I know that right now, we are not where I thought we would be, but it's okay. We have shared a good life together up until now. It makes me realize that the last nearly 10 years were not in vain.
The Truth
The truth is that I am growing. I can feel it. I don't know what the outcome of all this will be, but I feel an odd sense of peace washing over me. I started out doing everything that I am doing to try to "win" J back, but somehow that has taken a bit of a backseat to my own personal endeavor. I am in the process of doing a major internal makeover. Yes, I love J with all my heart and I do hope that he will come back to me one day. However, I now feel that everything that I am doing is for the right reasons. I had lost myself. Maybe that was part of what pushed J away or maybe it was a result of J emotionally detatching himself from me. Who knows which came first? Nobody. All I can do at this point is continue to develop myself in preparation for what's to come; whatever it may be. Regardless of the outcome, I have a long road ahead of me. I have to be ready for what lies ahead.
In the mean time, I am working on detatching myself from him. Well, not really trying. It seems to be coming naturally. It's a necessary step. I am ridding myself of the little reminders of our past life together. I am setting boundaries with him. And you know... it actually feels good to regain some control in my life. I know that if I continue this climb to better self-awareness, I will be a better person because of it. A stronger person. If J decides to come back, I will be better able to do what is necessary to make our marriage work. If he doesn't then I will be better able to do what is necessary to take care of myself and my kids.
I feel like I am rambling on. I just have a little bounce in my step today. For the first time in a very long time, I can honestly say that I feel good about myself!
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry that you need to be here, but given that you do, I'm glad you came. I can't tell you what the support I have received from the others here has meant to me. I hope we will be of benefit to you as well.
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is not fair for you and the boys. But judging the fairness of the situation is not, I guess, going to make anything better for you. You know that, it is why you are here, and why you are in therapy.
Have you read DB or DR (DR is the later, "revised" version, so it is to be recommended over the other)? By all means, pick up a copy if you have not done so. It is HOPEFUL, which, right now, I think you might find very refreshing.
I am not a "seasoned" DBer, so I will give you the best that I have, with the caveat that there are others here who may give you better advice. Also, if you have already read MWD's book(s), most of this may be review for you.
A lot of the things you described above were really classic patterns that MWD goes over in her books. Example: H pulls away, you nag at him to re-engage with the family, he feels pressured, so he pulls away further, you nag more...I don't have to explain it to you, you have been living it. What you should know, however, is that this is not unique to you - it is a known pattern that many couples have gone through. And because it has been seen before, strategies have been developed to address it. Likewise the dynamic with one parent defending the children while the other is losing his/her temper at same child. It's old hat. There are ways to deal with that. It can be changed.
But you need some help with your current situation. Since you have been lurking around here, you may have heard people mentioning LRT, the Last Resort Technique. Sounds like your IC is on board with this also, as you are focused on GAL and a lot of 180s. Good. Given what you say about your situation, that is where the bulk of your effort should be focused right now.
I'm going to guess you are already aware that the pursuing, begging, reasoning, crying, etc. were not helping you, and you have stopped these. Good start.
Your GAL efforts are extremely important at this time. Why? Because if you seem to H right now as though you need him, then he will see guilt and obligation as the primary reasons for him to stay with you. No matter how attractive or kind or supportive you may be, however wonderful a partner you may be (and I don't doubt that you are), guilt and obligation will overshadow all this. And that will make staying with you seem like something he is trapped into. You want him to see you as someone he wants to stay with. So, as much as possible, you need to look as if you don't need him. And the only way to do this is to meet as many of your own needs as possible, independent of him. IOW, the only way to look as though you can do without him, is to start doing without him.
And I think that part of this, as overwhelming as it may be for you at this time, will probably be to start finding ways to meet your financial needs independently. The fact that he is your sole source of support is likely a HUGE factor that makes this situation feel like a trap. Now that he is thinking he wants to go, he realizes that being the breadwinner in a single income family is no longer a choice, no longer something he has control over. He is now obligated. Which makes him feel restricted, which makes him want to leave even more. I am not suggesting that you let him off the hook - after all, the single-income, SAHM thing is probably something you two decided on together, and he needs to take responsibility for what he has committed to. However, by trying to meet as many of your own needs as possible (without doing it as a gesture of support to him, but rather as a show of taking care of yourself), you will be showing him that you are not trying to trap him, and that, in the long run, though you would rather be with him, you would be OK without him.
And you will. If it comes to that. With or without him, you will be OK.
All of this GALing has 2 purposes. One is because a person who is independent and lively and capable and strong is attractive. That is the kind of person your H would, undoubtedly, love to be in love with. I'll bet it is the kind of person he fell in love with in the first place.
The other purpose is because H could still leave. He is an independent person with his own will and his own choices. Which means you could DB in champion style, and he could still choose to leave. And if that happens, you will need to be strong, able and healthy. You will need to be able to not only stand on your own, but laugh, live and have purpose in your life, even without him.
You have to build a life you love, whether he is with you or not. In this time of your life, you need to have some joy, and until things change he is not going to give it to you, so you have to give it to yourself. You need some good in your life now. Independent of what his decision is. Then, if he leaves, you will have that life for yourself, because no one else is going to build it for you. If he stays, being the person who loves your life will make you the kind of person he can love.
But first and foremost is becoming the kind of person YOU can love. None of the changes you make will stick unless you want those changes. So become the best Ellay you can be. Be smart, full of life, interesting and fun! Be gentle and playful, but firm and honest with your kids. Be the person who can decide what you want and make it happen. As is so often said here, be the kind of woman that only an idiot would walk away from!
As for calling the L and finding out, realistically, what H's responsibilities are if he chooses D...I think it was a good move. It might be something of a wake-up call for him to realize that he can't just create all those responsiblities (2 kids, a wife whom he agreed to support so she could stay home with them), and just leave and start over 3 months later with no strings attached. If he decides on D, he will become aware that it will only make his life more complicated -and expensive.
Then, when he sees an independent, funny, lively and wonderful woman waiting for him if he chooses to take a much simpler choice - well, it should make the choice pretty clear for him.
Hang on, and keep GALing. We're all here for you.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
Thank you, Psych. I have read DR several times over. Implementing the strategies have been a struggle for me before, but I am learning.
As far a GAL'ing, I have realized that I can't keep digging my heels in. I need to start taking the necessary steps toward making a life for my kids and I. I just wrote my H with the following email:
Okay, here's the deal.
Tomorrow, I am opening up a bank account in my own name. We will need to agree to some kind of temporary financial support, and we'll need to have that notarized. In order to have it court ordered, we would have to have already filed for dissolution. I know we don't have the money for that right now, so I'm going to be trusting you to abide by our agreement. Once we have our finances figured out, I will move the boys and I into an apartment here. I would absolutely love to go back to Panama City as soon as possible, but I need to be here for how ever long it takes for the divorce to be finalized. Once the divorce is filed, we can go ahead and do a court order for temporary support. That will enable me to take advantage of the programs that are available for single moms (food stamps, wic, financial aid for my education, etc). Doing so, will put us both in a better financial situation. Depending on how long it takes for the divorce to be finalized, I may or may not be able to complete the courses to get my certification in Massage Therapy. The course takes 7 1/2 months. I am looking for a job around this area to help supplement. I will be relying heavily on friends and neighbors to help with shuttling the kids around, but I will expect you to help out where you can. We will need to arrange some sort of temporary custody arrangements for the boys as well. This will allow you to continue to bond with them, and will benefit me as well. Once the divorce is final, we can both go our separate ways. The boys and I will go back to Panama City then. Until then, please understand how difficult it would be for me to be active in the divorce process. Besides, I would hope you would cherish this last little bit of time with the boys, as your visits will be few and far between in the near future.
I hope that we can continue to work together and get through this as amicably as possible. I think it's best that we discuss of this kind of thing over email from here on out. It'll keep us both accountable and will prevent any verbal arguments. If you have any questions or anything you'd like to add, let me know.
I guess that I am just doing my absolute best to move on. I just know without a shadow of doubt that (for the time being anyway), if he were to walk through that door and commit to trying, I would cautiously welcome him back. This uncharted territory is scary! I hate that I have been so reliant on him all these years. Ugh
And I wish my posting wasn't so darn moderated right now lol.
Yesterday, S4 called H. I guess H told him that he would be coming by today, as he'll be getting off work early. Later that evening, I texted H to ask him what time he planned to come and for how long. I told him that those are things he needs to communicate to me. He never responded. I don't get what he's doing. If he wants to see the boys, he needs to give me time frames so I can verify whether or not we'll be available. Does he not understand that this is hurting our kids?!
He finally called. Said he probably wouldn't be able to come see the kids tonight. Says he has some work stuff to take care of. I'm getting really tired of him telling S4 that he's coming, then backing out. Makes me sick.
Just started reading 5LL. What an eye opener that is! It really bums me out to see that we really were loving each other all along. We just weren't speaking each other's languages. I wish there was a way to get him to see this.
Had to call H a few minutes ago to discuss what package to get with S4's school pictures tomorrow. I also asked him if we could talk a little about when he plans to see the kids. He said he didn't feel like it right now. His voice sounded very flat and slightly irritated. Hurting me is one thing, but he is hurting the kids at this point. It breaks my heart that he is doing damage to his R with them.
