Treading water - time and patience

[dearme]

I want to say something, and I don't know the best approach - she knows how I feel about her coming in late and in the past she says "she just lost track of the time because she was having a good time with friends". Do I just ignore? I could just move back to the spare room every time she comes home late.

I had this same issue with my wife. She works part-time as a waitress, typically gets off work around 11pm and then would hang out with her friends until anywhere between 2-4am. At one point I was sure she was having an affair. I feel pretty safe in saying that at this point I don't think she is. What she ultimately admitted was that it was a lot easier to just stay out late having fun with her friends instead of coming home to a situation that was filled with stress and anxiety and all sorts of other negative feelings. Hanging out distracted her from the reality of her situation at home...provided her an escape...and I think gave her an opportunity to flex what she felt like was the "freedom" she deserved as a WAW.

I eventually discussed with her very calmly and rationally that I felt like she had a right to do ALMOST anything she wanted as a person who declared she was done with her marriage, but that no matter what we still had children together, she was still a mom, and I wasn't prepared to take over all the morning responsibilities just because she needed to sleep in after staying out all night. I work at home 3-4 days a week, and I told her she couldn't take advantage of that by assuming I would take over all the parenting by myself in the morning; work is work whether I do it at home or at the office.

I don't know the particulars of your situation...but depending on how approachable your wife is on the matter I would maybe consider a similar talk with her. It's definitely a tricky situation though...I know in my case the slightest intimation that I was trying to control my wife or accuse her of something like an affair would have made the whole situation go south really quickly. If you handle it skillfully though, you might get the result I did... I let her know my feelings about things without going the extra step of telling her what her response should be, and after a few days of mulling it over on her own why wife came to the conclusion that she was being unfair and a bit irresponsible. So, she still has a night here and there where she comes in later than I would prefer, but for the most part she's been coming home if not right after work, than at least at a more reasonable hour. And she's gotten pretty conscientious about calling me when she gets off work to let me know what her plans are...and this is all under the assumption that this is what a good PARENT does, rather than a good wife, so it being a control issue comes less into play.

Oh, personally, I would not move into the spare room as a display of your discontent. I think your best bet is to handle it directly, or ignore it altogether. Moving into the spare room without discussing your motives outright comes off as a little passive -aggressive...definitely not what our situations call for I think.