I know there was another man involved, but what I did'nt know was that he had been on the scene long before we broke up.
I was in a good place, we got on, I was happy, and I thought everything was ok, but its the lies and deception that caused the out burst.
Its the memories of getting a phone call late at night asking could I have the kids as something has happened, or a last minute birthday she knew nothing about, now I know it was him
Its the feelings of guilt, I have carried for 12 months that I broke my family up, it was all my fault, etc, when now I know he was behind the scenes for a long time, chipping away and probably highlighting how bad I was.
I don't know what I'm going to do now.
We had a break/seperation, but we never split up, it lasted about 3 months, about 4 years ago, he was there then!!!!!
I don't know and don't think I will ever be able to trust her again, I really don't.
I was out with some close friends yesterday, and I told them everything, I had to, from the drinking, to my moods, to the split, to the OM.
They were great, but they all said the same, I had to forget about her now, and look after me and the kids.
I love her so much, and I take full responsibility of my actions, but being a drunk does not make it right for her to take up with OM and split my family up.
I am trying to keep a lid on my emotions, but it is hard to say nothing when the extent of the lies actually comes out, that is why her parents are unhappy, not because of OM really, as they knew hew was on the scene, but the web of lies that she has spun to everyone, from me, to the kids and her family.
I am angry that about all the time she didn't want to see our kids, because she put him first, no man/woman, should be put before their children??
If I could click my fingers and make it all go away I would,but i can't.
So now what.
She has already filed, I have pretty much ignored it, maybe I should get a lawyer? I want no contact with her, this is the hardest part, but I do not want to speak to her. I need to look after me, I need something to focus on, my friend has suggested a triathlon, he does them, so this is something I am seriously looking into. The drinking is a no brainer, its a done deal, never again. I am the best father I can be to my kids, they love me and I love them, when we are together its great, and its bad when we are not, its that simple, not much I can add to that.
So what do I want?
I don't know?
I want my family back, the unit, but do I want her? I love her with all my heart, but can I trust her again? If I could have it all back again, and forgive everything could I?, my friend asked me that yesterday, and I said yes.
I know everyones comments are well meaning, and I take it all on board, but this is the first argument we have had in months, we have gotten on so well.
I have a few questions for all you guys that I could do with some advice on.
I have stopped all communication to my wife, I'm going really dark, I'm not even sending my " kids ok" text on a morning, if there is a problem she will let me know is my thinking now.
When care is her responsibility, am I not suppose to ask where they are or who is looking after them? I blew on Saturday because I didn't know this friend, and I'm a concerned parent, but should I not ask?
Do I stop calling the kids everynight that they are with her, and get on with what I want?, thats going to be hard, but it is also hard to say bye to them at the end of the call?
Do I just stick to my 3 nights a week child care and not be so available for extra nights to "help" her?
I know I have to "let go", but it is very hard when there are children involved and your lives are so wrapped together, apart from GAL, and keeping busy has anyone got any other ideas, triathlon training will be keeping me busy though!!!
Do I stop finding out about OM?, but isn't it being responsible to know who could be around my kids?
And a last one, my friends last night asked if I had thought about dating again? I have had a few offers but I wasn't interested as I just wanted my wife back, but they said why not just go on a few dates, it's nothing serious, just have some fun?
I'm a little lost with this one to be honest, when I have spoken to a woman, by thoughts are all about my wife!!! Then I get all messed up again, and just want my wife.
I know I've messed things up again, I knew it would happen, we were getting too close, I was getting too hopeful, then Om turns up, she pulls back and I've reacted.
I am really struggling again!
With regard to your questions of what do you want....that is why it is so important that you go dark and quit obsessing about her. By focusing on YOU and the kids, you can discover what YOU want in time. There is no rush right now to make decisions.
With regard to the kids...my H and I are separated, but we have an agreement that if we are unable to care for the kids during our assigned time, then we first ask the other parent if they can care for them. If the other parent is unavailable, then we have an agreed up list of people to call. Maybe the 2 of you can come to some sort of agreement like that. It works very well. We also are agreeable to switching out assigned nights to accommodate his work schedule. It's ALL about putting the kids first.
ALWAYS call your kids before bed when they are with her or anyone else for that matter. Don't punish them just because you are mad at her. You need to be a constant in their lives no matter what. They probably expect and look forward to speaking to you before bed. You don't have to speak to W at all.
I also would suggest that you be available to take on the kids as much as possible. Again, this isn't about punishing them. I try to make sure that ANYTIME my H needs me to help out, I'm available and ready. Even if I have other plans, I cancel, as my time with the kids is priority. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I'm there for them. You should be, too (as much as you can control, with regard to work schedule).
GAL will take up your time as you go dark, as will work and hanging out with your kids. You really need to work on emotionally detaching from your wife. I know that is easier said than done, but it needs to be a priority for you right now.
In addition to GAL, have you made a list of goals? You need to decide on personal goals and relationship goals. Since you are uncertain what you want with your W right now, at the very least include things that pertain to your co-parenting relationship. Every few days, think about the things you have done to help lead you toward your goal as well as the things you have done to backslide. This will keep you on track in achieving your goals.
YES...and I've told you this numerous times...STOP giving time or thought to om. It is only going to hurt you! Are your kids spending time around him right now anyway? If not, you don't need to have any concern about him. He's your wife's problem, not yours.
IMHO, you are nowhere near ready for dating at this point. You are very emotionally entangled with your W. While I think it's a great idea for you to spend time with friends (just be sure there isn't going to be the temptation to drink), I'd leave romance out of the picture for now. You have a lot of healing to do still. There will be time for that later on. I think your AA group would suggest the same thing.
The bottom line is you MUST continue working on YOU right now and STOP obsessing about W.
