Okay...take a deep breath (or 3), count to 10 (or 100), go for a walk or a bike ride or whatever healthy thing you can do for your body, mind and spirit...you need to take a break from your situation to let your emotions cool down.
Go dark and use that time away not to think about her and obsess about the situation between her and om, but rather to keep focusing on how to make YOU better and spending quality time with the kids. You don't have to make any decisions right now regarding your marriage. Some time away may give you both a chance to miss the friendship you've built over the last few weeks. If all the things you say about om are true (and it sounds like your w suspects they may be true, as well), then he will show his true colors in time. You don't need to bring him up anymore...that only makes you appear jealous, enraged and controlling. Also, no more involving the in-laws in your marital troubles. Continue communicating (pleasantly, since you all are getting along better) about the kids, but leave it at that.
If you continue working on YOU, your true colors as a good person will show in time just as om's questionable character will. Take care, lc4
I am surprised, too, by the violence of your blowup. You knew there was om, whether or not they were dating. You are trying to control all aspects of her life, and now you two are S, you just can't! Her time is her time, and if she wants a friend to watch the kids she should be able to, without informing you.
And, I agree with MrBond, you don't get to decide that now you are sobered up, that she has to now fall into line with you. You are not allowing her to make her own decisions about your M.
Either you do or you don't want to work things out. You can't just blow up at her like that, and say things you probably will regret, and then come back later and say "Oh, sorry, I just couldn't control my anger". You have scared the crap out of her. Same old DC, minus the alcohol.
What are your goals, now that this has happened? Have you thought about what next? You said you read dday101798's thread? Well, he had a lot to forgive, and work through, and he got angry, he got frustrated, but he kept his head. How did you read it so fast, anyway?? It took me a few days of off and on reading to finish it, and now I am going through the piecing thread. And, I will say, it has been the most inspirational thread I have ever read here. Next to MotherMovingOn, of course, a woman I greatly admire, although there was no R for her and her JA H.
You need to get control of yourself, and get some therapy to help see why you get these rage outbursts. I know you have AA, but they don't address what you need to address. There is something deeper to work on. If for nothing else, for those two kids, who don't need to see and hear this kind of mess.
Have you read any of the DB or DR books? If you have then you will see what MrBond was talking about; the om just being a bandaid for your W right now.
Stop thinking about what SHE is doing, and concentrate on fixing you. She is on a journey she feels she has to make. If you allow her to make it, and fix that which she left behind, she may look back, and see if what she left is what she wants.
I know there was another man involved, but what I did'nt know was that he had been on the scene long before we broke up.
I was in a good place, we got on, I was happy, and I thought everything was ok, but its the lies and deception that caused the out burst.
Its the memories of getting a phone call late at night asking could I have the kids as something has happened, or a last minute birthday she knew nothing about, now I know it was him
Its the feelings of guilt, I have carried for 12 months that I broke my family up, it was all my fault, etc, when now I know he was behind the scenes for a long time, chipping away and probably highlighting how bad I was.
I don't know what I'm going to do now.
We had a break/seperation, but we never split up, it lasted about 3 months, about 4 years ago, he was there then!!!!!
I don't know and don't think I will ever be able to trust her again, I really don't.
I was out with some close friends yesterday, and I told them everything, I had to, from the drinking, to my moods, to the split, to the OM.
They were great, but they all said the same, I had to forget about her now, and look after me and the kids.
I love her so much, and I take full responsibility of my actions, but being a drunk does not make it right for her to take up with OM and split my family up.
I am trying to keep a lid on my emotions, but it is hard to say nothing when the extent of the lies actually comes out, that is why her parents are unhappy, not because of OM really, as they knew hew was on the scene, but the web of lies that she has spun to everyone, from me, to the kids and her family.
I am angry that about all the time she didn't want to see our kids, because she put him first, no man/woman, should be put before their children??
If I could click my fingers and make it all go away I would,but i can't.
So now what.
She has already filed, I have pretty much ignored it, maybe I should get a lawyer? I want no contact with her, this is the hardest part, but I do not want to speak to her. I need to look after me, I need something to focus on, my friend has suggested a triathlon, he does them, so this is something I am seriously looking into. The drinking is a no brainer, its a done deal, never again. I am the best father I can be to my kids, they love me and I love them, when we are together its great, and its bad when we are not, its that simple, not much I can add to that.
So what do I want?
I don't know?
I want my family back, the unit, but do I want her? I love her with all my heart, but can I trust her again? If I could have it all back again, and forgive everything could I?, my friend asked me that yesterday, and I said yes.
I know everyones comments are well meaning, and I take it all on board, but this is the first argument we have had in months, we have gotten on so well.
I have a few questions for all you guys that I could do with some advice on.
I have stopped all communication to my wife, I'm going really dark, I'm not even sending my " kids ok" text on a morning, if there is a problem she will let me know is my thinking now.
When care is her responsibility, am I not suppose to ask where they are or who is looking after them? I blew on Saturday because I didn't know this friend, and I'm a concerned parent, but should I not ask?
Do I stop calling the kids everynight that they are with her, and get on with what I want?, thats going to be hard, but it is also hard to say bye to them at the end of the call?
Do I just stick to my 3 nights a week child care and not be so available for extra nights to "help" her?
I know I have to "let go", but it is very hard when there are children involved and your lives are so wrapped together, apart from GAL, and keeping busy has anyone got any other ideas, triathlon training will be keeping me busy though!!!
Do I stop finding out about OM?, but isn't it being responsible to know who could be around my kids?
And a last one, my friends last night asked if I had thought about dating again? I have had a few offers but I wasn't interested as I just wanted my wife back, but they said why not just go on a few dates, it's nothing serious, just have some fun?
I'm a little lost with this one to be honest, when I have spoken to a woman, by thoughts are all about my wife!!! Then I get all messed up again, and just want my wife.
I know I've messed things up again, I knew it would happen, we were getting too close, I was getting too hopeful, then Om turns up, she pulls back and I've reacted.
I know there was another man involved, but what I did'nt know was that he had been on the scene long before we broke up.
I was in a good place, we got on, I was happy, and I thought everything was ok, but its the lies and deception that caused the out burst.
Its the memories of getting a phone call late at night asking could I have the kids as something has happened, or a last minute birthday she knew nothing about, now I know it was him
Its the feelings of guilt, I have carried for 12 months that I broke my family up, it was all my fault, etc, when now I know he was behind the scenes for a long time, chipping away and probably highlighting how bad I was.
I don't know what I'm going to do now.
We had a break/seperation, but we never split up, it lasted about 3 months, about 4 years ago, he was there then!!!!!
I don't know and don't think I will ever be able to trust her again, I really don't.
I was out with some close friends yesterday, and I told them everything, I had to, from the drinking, to my moods, to the split, to the OM.
They were great, but they all said the same, I had to forget about her now, and look after me and the kids.
I love her so much, and I take full responsibility of my actions, but being a drunk does not make it right for her to take up with OM and split my family up.
I am trying to keep a lid on my emotions, but it is hard to say nothing when the extent of the lies actually comes out, that is why her parents are unhappy, not because of OM really, as they knew hew was on the scene, but the web of lies that she has spun to everyone, from me, to the kids and her family.
I am angry that about all the time she didn't want to see our kids, because she put him first, no man/woman, should be put before their children??
If I could click my fingers and make it all go away I would,but i can't.
So now what.
She has already filed, I have pretty much ignored it, maybe I should get a lawyer? I want no contact with her, this is the hardest part, but I do not want to speak to her. I need to look after me, I need something to focus on, my friend has suggested a triathlon, he does them, so this is something I am seriously looking into. The drinking is a no brainer, its a done deal, never again. I am the best father I can be to my kids, they love me and I love them, when we are together its great, and its bad when we are not, its that simple, not much I can add to that.
So what do I want?
I don't know?
I want my family back, the unit, but do I want her? I love her with all my heart, but can I trust her again? If I could have it all back again, and forgive everything could I?, my friend asked me that yesterday, and I said yes.
I know everyones comments are well meaning, and I take it all on board, but this is the first argument we have had in months, we have gotten on so well.
I have a few questions for all you guys that I could do with some advice on.
I have stopped all communication to my wife, I'm going really dark, I'm not even sending my " kids ok" text on a morning, if there is a problem she will let me know is my thinking now.
When care is her responsibility, am I not suppose to ask where they are or who is looking after them? I blew on Saturday because I didn't know this friend, and I'm a concerned parent, but should I not ask?
Do I stop calling the kids everynight that they are with her, and get on with what I want?, thats going to be hard, but it is also hard to say bye to them at the end of the call?
Do I just stick to my 3 nights a week child care and not be so available for extra nights to "help" her?
I know I have to "let go", but it is very hard when there are children involved and your lives are so wrapped together, apart from GAL, and keeping busy has anyone got any other ideas, triathlon training will be keeping me busy though!!!
Do I stop finding out about OM?, but isn't it being responsible to know who could be around my kids?
And a last one, my friends last night asked if I had thought about dating again? I have had a few offers but I wasn't interested as I just wanted my wife back, but they said why not just go on a few dates, it's nothing serious, just have some fun?
I'm a little lost with this one to be honest, when I have spoken to a woman, by thoughts are all about my wife!!! Then I get all messed up again, and just want my wife.
I know I've messed things up again, I knew it would happen, we were getting too close, I was getting too hopeful, then Om turns up, she pulls back and I've reacted.
I am really struggling again!
With regard to your questions of what do you want....that is why it is so important that you go dark and quit obsessing about her. By focusing on YOU and the kids, you can discover what YOU want in time. There is no rush right now to make decisions.
With regard to the kids...my H and I are separated, but we have an agreement that if we are unable to care for the kids during our assigned time, then we first ask the other parent if they can care for them. If the other parent is unavailable, then we have an agreed up list of people to call. Maybe the 2 of you can come to some sort of agreement like that. It works very well. We also are agreeable to switching out assigned nights to accommodate his work schedule. It's ALL about putting the kids first.
ALWAYS call your kids before bed when they are with her or anyone else for that matter. Don't punish them just because you are mad at her. You need to be a constant in their lives no matter what. They probably expect and look forward to speaking to you before bed. You don't have to speak to W at all.
I also would suggest that you be available to take on the kids as much as possible. Again, this isn't about punishing them. I try to make sure that ANYTIME my H needs me to help out, I'm available and ready. Even if I have other plans, I cancel, as my time with the kids is priority. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I'm there for them. You should be, too (as much as you can control, with regard to work schedule).
GAL will take up your time as you go dark, as will work and hanging out with your kids. You really need to work on emotionally detaching from your wife. I know that is easier said than done, but it needs to be a priority for you right now.
In addition to GAL, have you made a list of goals? You need to decide on personal goals and relationship goals. Since you are uncertain what you want with your W right now, at the very least include things that pertain to your co-parenting relationship. Every few days, think about the things you have done to help lead you toward your goal as well as the things you have done to backslide. This will keep you on track in achieving your goals.
YES...and I've told you this numerous times...STOP giving time or thought to om. It is only going to hurt you! Are your kids spending time around him right now anyway? If not, you don't need to have any concern about him. He's your wife's problem, not yours.
IMHO, you are nowhere near ready for dating at this point. You are very emotionally entangled with your W. While I think it's a great idea for you to spend time with friends (just be sure there isn't going to be the temptation to drink), I'd leave romance out of the picture for now. You have a lot of healing to do still. There will be time for that later on. I think your AA group would suggest the same thing.
The bottom line is you MUST continue working on YOU right now and STOP obsessing about W.
Thanks, you are so right I am obsessing about her, I try not to but it is so hard!!!
You are right, the kids come first, I will continue to call them everynight when I am not with thm, why should they suffer anymore, they sound so excited when I speak to them
Looking back in hindsight, I know a wonderful thing!!, just over a week ago my life was great, I was connecting with my wife, we spoke daily, and I was happy, now look at me, I'm a mess!!!!
If I had biten my tounge about certain issues and just let her being with somebody and the lies not affect me as much as it had, how would I feel, I would still be in contact with her, but would I be happy, I don't think so, any by holding emotions in would only possibly create a bigger problem later?
I have spent hours reading old success stories, with great endings, but in all these tales, there is still moments were anger come out, and things are said and done that are regreted later.
I read DDay's thread from start up until piecing, and its a great success, but this guy was totally obsessed with his wife even after divorce, yes it hurts like hell, but I think its impossible to not think about them?
Its not healthy but if you truely love them, you cannot just turn off??
You need to have things to keep you occupied, to keep your mind active, to keep your concentration busy, but with the best will in the world, when I turn off the light to sleep at night, she is on my mind, when I wake up on a morning, she is on my mind, as I take the 1 hour drive to work, she is on my mind, every time I think about my kids, she is on my mind.
Again something I identified with on DDay posts, was it was after he divorced, that he realised that he couldn't be "friends" with his wife, as his feelings were too strong for her, I totally get that.
We have been "friends", taking, laughing, etc, but with a friendship brings emotions and hope, then you get crushed again, and it hurts more than the last time.
I need to go "midnight", not dark, I have to try and forget her, I cannot be "mates", she is the mother of my children and I have to try and be as cold as that, not my wife, not my best friend, and not the love of my life.
We have a deep powerful connection, hence the arguing and fights, if we were not bothered we could not hurt each other, but we do
My pain has come from the weeks OM was not on the scene, and she reached to me, now he's back, i'm pushed away, I cannot let that continue, it is not healthy for me
Could I have done things differently over the past week, yes, but I would still be hurting, and letting myself be hurt.
At the moment, I'm hurt, but I have told her I know about the lies, and I will not expose myself to be lied to again.
I cannot find anywere in DB that says I should put up with that, yes the past will be twisted to show I was worse than I was, and things will be "expanded upon", but not in the now, I don't have to listen to lies now, so I take myself away from that situation, and that is what I have done.
My kids are great, I have never called their mother in front of them, and I always say that I caused the split, my time with them is precious, and we have a great relationship, so I am happy in regard to my children.
My issue is my wife, I understand the "bandaid" reference, and it a great analogy, but for weeks I was the "bandaid", now he comes along and I'm ripped off and replaced, and yes that's her right and privelage, but it still hurt like hell!!!
My wife has filed for divorce, she has OM, so why has she been speaking to ME daily, talking to ME, laughing with ME, because she still has feelings for ME, I know this, I look into her eyes and know she loves ME, and I'm not just looking for things I want to see, I can see it, and thats the problem, if she wants to continue with OM, I cannot expose myself to those feelings and emotions without being hurt.
I have to totally lose all contact, that is the only way I can maintain sanity, and it may help with my "obessing".
She knows where I am, and she knows how I feel.
I agreed I have to let her do what she thnks best, let her go on the journey she want, but its a journey she has to take without being my friend, I am just the father of her children.
DCS, I think the triathlon is a great idea. I'm training for a marathon for a lot of the same reasons. Now that you aren't drinking, time to replace it with some good things.
As very crazy said, "Same old DC, minus the alcohol." Do some thinking on that, ask your AA group what they think about that, and post here.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
"I love her so much, and I take full responsibility of my actions, but being a drunk does not make it right for her to take up with OM and split my family up."
You being drunk caused her to put up with alot for alot of years. While it's not necessarily "right" for her to go out with another guy, I'd say she was justified. You didn't take care of her emotional needs. Just because the guy was in the background before doesn't mean that he was always interested in your W. Let's make that clear. It's what you've come up yourself. He was probably there supporting her when she tried to support you and you didn't even notice that. Your W is ignoring you the same way that you ignored her. Plain and simple.
Going back to her lying. Again I don't see where she's overly lying to you. I'd consider them little white lies because she doesn't want to deal with you. Hell after you exploded it's no wonder she doesn't tell you anything. Just because she's going out with somebody and has another person watch your kids doesn't make her a bad parent. Again, how do you think you were as a parent when you were drunk. I understand it was in the past, but it's coming back to haunt you. Learn from it.
It's obvious she left emotionally because of your behavior. Stop justifying it to her. Start understanding and coming up with a plan that goes along with that understanding. Start growing up. The OM didn't sprout up out of nowhere. He gave her the support you couldn't. Put yourself in your W's shoes. If she went back to you, how can she know (for sure) that you aren't going to go back to the way things were? She's afraid to.
The ONLY way to counteract that is to keep your POSITIVE actions consistent. Stop blowing up and start by making her feel safe around you again. Every time you blow up it pushes her into the OM's arms. She knows it pisses you off, so she doesn't tell you and you get pissed again. Round and around it goes. Stop the cycle. Get her to trust you again.
If you can't do that, or can't put your W's needs before yours, then you might as well file today. Then you can wash your hands of her. After all, she doesn't deserve your love right? Even when you were going through your drunk period, she still didn't deserve you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Even if you don't do anything it's doing something. With you still being here I'm assuming you still want to save your M.
Okay with that in mind. Have you thought about what you can do to control your temper? That's first. She has to see a drastic change in you.
Next, tell her that if there are times that she is going out that you are more than happy to watch the kids. She may not take you up on it right away, but the more you do and have positive actions with her, the more trusting she will be. The key word here is trust. She's told you she loved you but was afraid the changes you made aren't real. Don't push yourself onto her or stay in front of her face. Go dim and increase the positive interactions and eliminate the negative ones.
Figure out what was it about the OM that attracted her? Does he really listen to her and follow up with questions? How does he look? Not saying you have to be like him, you just be BETTER than him.
The more you can stay in your W's life, the harder it will be for him to have a hold on your W. If you keep up the positives, any negatives about the OM will start to stand out.
You may not think it's fair, but it is what it is. What you do moving from this point is up to you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well, DC, I am sorry you are having it tough today. I think it's good you go dark a bit, just stick to talking about the kids, not you or her. If you have a certain schedule for you to have the kids, stick to it, and don't help her out, don't be her emergency "babysitter". About the friend she left them with, I am sure she loves those kids as much as you do, and wouldn't leave them with a bad person.
And if you date while you are married, you are doing the same thing she is doing; and that's not right.
GAL, do the triathlon training, it sounds great! GAL in other ways, too. Keep your mind off your W and what she is doing. I know it's hard to do, but you have to keep at it.
