Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

As Eric has so subtly pointed out, it has been awhile since my last post. A month actually. Wow. Hard to believe. Most of that actually has to do with the amount of time I've been working rather than an inability to get online. I've been able to keep up with a few sitches on the boards but not much else. Hopefully, October will be a little less hectic.

This last month has been a bit difficult. As I mentioned in the last post, H finally said ILY but then after that, he seemed to have some more anxiety attacks. He hadn't had any for a LONG time. So long that he actually didn't refill his anti-anxiety meds. The first big event was actually when I was working out of town for the weekend. He texted me to let me know. I kind of had the suspicion already. He tends to either not text me at all throughout the day or his texts seem different. So I kind of guessed he was messed up. As much as I know about MLC, it's still hard to not think "what did *I* do to cause this anxiety attack?" It's hard to not wonder "is there OW contact?" I really had to go back to my DB roots and find my center again. It turns out that weekend, I had rented a car to drive out of town. My car was getting pretty old and I wanted to test drive a few particular models, so it seemed like a good plan. Unfortunately, that meant that when I came back, H had to meet me at the airport so I could return the car and drive home. I texted him when I left and he gave me a quick OK. Then when I was about 1.5 hrs away I called him to coordinate when I planned to get to the airport and when he should leave to meet me. He didn't answer the phone so I left a message. About another 30 minutes later, I called again. Still no answer. It was at this point that I really got angry, frustrated, confused, hurt etc. I really needed him to be there to meet me. I didn't want to pay an additional day of rent. He knew I needed him there. But he didn't call. Once again, I had to really find my center again and go back to DB 101. When he was in the thick of MLC, he'd do things like that. So what did I always do? I figured something else out. Once, he was supposed to take me to pick up my car from the mechanic when it was done. I called and called and he never answered. So instead of letting the place close, I chose to just walk there. So there I was, in a similar situation once again. After going quickly through my anger, frustration, etc, I realized that he is still very broken. I signed up for this knowing this. I have every right to be disappointed, but anger won't solve anything. So once I arrived at the airport, I returned my car and opted to rent another one since I wanted to try out another model anyhow. Then I drove that car home. On the drive home, H finally called. He asked if I had arrived yet. I wasn't sure what he meant so just said, I'm leaving the airport. He asked if I had rented another car (something I had mentioned before) and I said yes. He apologized for not answering and said he had had a bad anxiety attack so had went walking in a mall by the airport and had left his phone in the car. I acknowledged the apology but didn't say "that's OK" because it wasn't. The call ended a bit short as I wasn't up to chatting much and he still seemed in the midst of his attack. Shortly after ending the call, he called me back. He said he felt the call ended to abruptly and wanted to make sure everything was OK. I told him I was OK but was hurt. I was essentially left at the airport to fend for myself. Fortuantely for me, I'm able to deal with that way better than before. But it still hurts. He again apologized and asked what I wanted for dinner and he'd pick some groceries up on the way home. In the end, it worked out OK. But his MLC still manages to pop up in the most unfortunate ways.

He's also seemed a bit more moody lately. There have been times where it's apparent that he's forcing himself to "be part of the family" when I can tell he'd much rather curl up in bed and be depressed. I don't like that because part of his problem in the past has been him "accomodating" himself to meet my needs rather than standing up for what he wants. On the other hand, what he wants is to curl up in bed and be depressed and he knows that's not healthy. But again, it's hard to not let his moodiness affect me. Detachment is so much harder when you live with someone.

As a result, I've found myself quite unhappy. There were a few days where I just went to bed early so I could get away from it all. One morning, H said something as I woke up and my frustrations just boiled over and I said something mildly snappy and got up. H realized things were not OK and came and talked to me in my office. He wanted to know what was wrong. Unfortunately, I couldn't really tell him WHAT was wrong. I was just sad and tired. I tried not to but I cried. H held me, told me he loved me and apologized for "being broken". I gave him my usual response for that which is "are you doing it on purpose?". Which of course he's not. So then I said " then don't apologize". But he apologized for making me sad. I really didn't want to do that. I spent too many years crying in order to get my way. I didn't always realize that was what I was doing. But I realize it now. So I didn't like that my tears were causing him to respond a certain way.

Anyhow, after that, things seemed to get a bit better. I had to take another out of town trip after that morning so I didn't see him again for another few days. When I got back, he said he really felt bad once he saw how sad I was and he really wanted to get better. I reminded him that making ME happy should not be his goal.

That brings us up to this weekend which happened to be our anniversary. I didn't ever bring it up. I thought about it many times, but again, it seemed weird. Last year on my anniversary, H was in the midwest with OW. I spent the day getting a massage, a mani pedi, and sat out on the beach with my dog. That evening I had a delicious fondue dessert with D. Sounds great but it was a really really really hard day. So any thought of this years anniversary kept bringing me back to last year. So I just didn't say anything or plan anything. And he never said anything either. The day prior, I texted him to ask if he wanted to do dinner the next day. He said "sure". I thought about asking "do you know why?" but I didn't. I let it be. On our anniversary, I got up before him and had errands to do. Once I got back, H and I were vegging on the couch together. He asked me if I could hand him a kleenex which was on my side. I leaned over and handed him one. At that moment, the dog was asking to be let back into the house so he got up and let the dog in. When he got back, we snuggled back together on the couch. He seemed tense and I got the sense that he wanted to say something. I was hoping he'd say happy anniversary or something. I planned on doing it at some point if he didn't. After a few moments, he asked me where my ring was.

For those of you who haven't followed my sitch, my H took his wedding ring off shortly after the bomb 21 months ago. I took mine off shortly afterward, mostly out of anger. At some point last summer, I realized I would not act AS IF I was not married and put it back on. Then H kind of woke up and said he'd come back. Then he kind of changed his mind. So at that point, I felt like I was starting to just pretend like I was married and was getting fed up, so I took my ring back off. And it's stayed off.

Anyhow, he asked me where my ring was. I was quiet for a bit trying to figure out if he meant my wedding ring. But since I couldn't imagine what else he might mean, I simply said, "in my jewelry box". He was quiet for a bit. Then he said, "I was thinking today might be a good day for both of us to start wearing them again". My emotions swirled. He remembered. And he was giving me something that meant a lot to the both of us. I always felt that by him taking the ring off, it meant it held a lot of meaning for him. So I knew this was a big deal. I hugged him hard. And despite trying not to, I got teary eyed. I kind of laughed and said "your making me cry". At that point, he handed me the kleenex he had asked me to get him. LOL! I blew up laughing. I found that hilarious! He said "if nothing else, that proves we are meant to be together!"

So here I am, typing this up while wearing my ring for the first time this year. I took my ring off for the second time in December. I'm not used to it anymore but I guess that'll change. His ring isn't even fitting him well. But we'll manage I suppose.

Once again, for any newbies (or oldbies) reading this, I can't emphasize enough the importance of patience. It was never something I was good at. But it is one of the many gifts H's MLC and learning DB has given me. It didn't GET me here, but without it, I wouldn't be where I am. H told me in November 10 that he would be moving back. It was 6 months later before he did so and even then he wasn't entirely ready. So many milestones are seemingly taking forever to get here. But they are coming.

Before I go, I thought I'd leave you with something my H mentioned. He said that when he was driving D home from school the other day, she mentioned that things are going a lot better this year compared to last. He said, you mean in school? And she said "no, the home stuff.". I was suprised she said anything since she's been completely mum about most of the separation and the reconciliation. So I asked him what he said to that. He said he said simply "yeah, sorry about that.". LOL! Understatement of the year much?