Treading water - time and patience

[NYCPeter]

Journaling - Generally a quiet week, I had a couple of late work nights and barely saw my W, when I did it was pleasant and we ate or wached TV together.

W has been making extra effort to be more tactile which is great, I have been enjoying it.

Then Saturday night - as usual W went to work and I spent the afternoon and evening with the girls, we watched a movie together and I put them to bed around 9:00.

I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up at 3:30am - W not home, I resisted the temptation to call or text (I knew she was out with friends from work) - at 4:30am I am outside in the back yard having a cigarette (I couldn't sleep), W comes home and immediately came outside apologising for the hour - she was with a GF who was having problems with her M and then drove her home. She kept apologising and I made no big deal out of it, my only comment was - "I would rather spend time with someone who did not want to hang out in a bar until 4:30am, and it's her decision if that's what she wants to do".

She said - "It's not what I want" and then asked if I was coming to bed - I said "I'm not sure why that matters" (we've not slept in the same bed for 4 months) - she said "no to bed with me", I said "is it because you came home so late and it bothers me, or because you want me to" - her response "both".

She went to bed and I followed 5 mins later - we spooned, but nothing else happened.

Man it felt good to sleep in the same bed as my W - a step in the right direction and I have no intention of moving back to the spare room any time soon.

[NYCPeter]

More rollercoaster from the W.

Spent a pleasant day with the W and girls around the house, we went to the local park, then out for brunch and my W cooked us a nice evening meal.

My W was online most of the evening while I watched the Jets game, around 10:00pm my W said she was going to bed and good night, she said she was moving the baby monitor to her room (we use this for D9 in case she wakes up in the middle of the night). The implication was we would be in seperate rooms again.

I asked where she wanted me to sleep and she put the question back on me - I said I wanted to sleep in our bed again, she said "oh - I'm not really sure". I again said I wanted to sleep in our bed and that if she really felt uncomfortable to let me know, but that I didn't realize it was a "one night thing". She said "no it's fine" and went to bed.

I went up after the game and we lay next to each other with some contact, but not the same level as the night before. I feel she is withdrawing again - One thing she mentioned last week was she was going to talk to her C this week to figure out why she couldn't be more intimate with me.

I'm not going to give up the bed unless she clearly states she doesn't want me to share it or she clearly resents me sharing the bed.

[NYCPeter]

More journaling - another night in the marital bed.
W went to bed around 11pm - I followed about 20 mins later (for some reason I think she would be uncomfortable us both going to bed at the same time). The fact that the bedroom door was slightly open (usually shut tight when we slept apart) was a sign to me that she welcomed me sleeping in the same bed.

When I got into bed, she murmered something as if she was half asleep, I asked her to repeat and she didn't (had her back to me). I asked if she was ok with me sleeping here and she said yes. She did have her back to me the whole night (which I find kind of off-putting), but didn't resist when we spooned (we only have a queen size bed).

She has IC today - would be interesting to see how she behaves this evening, W is not someone to speak up unless she's encouraged to do so (hence the WAS with no warning), so suspect she'll be talking to IC about sleeping together and whether she truly feels comfortable doing this. I have a feeling she is not entirely comfortable doing this.

I'll stick to this routine and see what happens.

We have MC on Thurs, should I broach the subject of sleeping in the same bed and how much happier it makes me?

[NYCPeter]

Some backsliding last night....

W and I went to bed at the same time, both reading books until she said goodnight, I turned off my lamp about 10 mins later.

She kept to her side of the bed and I tried to put my arm around her or touch her and there was no response. She could sense something was wrong and asked what - I said, "Your body language doesn't indicate you are happy sharing a bed with me" - her reply "I'm not ready to reach out to you yet", I replied saying "I am sorry this is so difficult for you".

I know I should have kept quiet and this is all minor in the grand scheme of things - not sure how folks manage to lie next to each other and at least not hug or touch while in the same bed.

Anniversary in a couple of weeks - I won't make a big deal out of it, usual pattern is for me to buy a couple of small gifts and either cook a nice dinner, or go out to dinner - will stick to the same pattern.

[NYCPeter]

So we had MC earlier.
Focus was on improving dialogue and interaction.

We were asked to pick a topic - I talked about work and how I am concerned for my job and the pressure I am under. She didn't bother to validate or try to understand my perspective. Her response was "You have never been out of work, so you will find a job no problem", I felt she was trivializing my concerns and she waved them off - I wanted to say "As the only person working full-time it adds even more pressure".

W talked about intamacy and how she found it difficult to show me any intamacy. She said she wants to, but she feels she's not "being true to herself" when she does. She says she feels I pressure her for more intamacy when she doesn't want to give me a kiss or a hug, and that sharing a bed may have been a mistake, but felt it was a step we needed to take. She said she feels she's been in a battle and when the other side suddenly wants to make peace she can't do that.

I validated and said I would put more of an effort to not put pressure on her. The thing that confuses me most is the not being "true to herself" - if she truly feels that way, then why is she even trying? If deep down she's not being true to herself when she shows me any affection.

[NYCPeter]

W came home at 3:30 - I was in our bed asleep when she came home.
When she came to bed, I got up and went to go to sleep in the spare room. Still awake 3 hours later (D9 woke up at 6:00am).

I do not want a W who comes home at 3:30 (she finishes work 1:00-1:30). I don't want to wake up in an empty bed in the middle of the night and find my W is not there, wondering where she is. This is disrespectful to me and something we have discussed several times yet she chooses to ignore or decide she doesn't think it's important.

I won't say anything today, just go about as if nothing happened. If she asks about me getting out of bed - I'll say I had some work to catch up on.

This is becoming a real issue for me and I really don't want to talk to her about it anymore. She's aware of how it makes me feel - guess I need to decide if this is a real deal breaker for me and do something about it.

[In_Shock]

I get the part about the sharing a bed. Living together when separated is also what I've been doing. W has been on the couch just 2 nights and it's so empty for me.

However if she truly feels she is separated and not in a R with you, she won't feel it's disrespectful. My W has truly detached in many ways - and no way does she care about that sort of thing anymore.

[NYCPeter]

Well nothing was said on Saturday and she came home again at 4:00am on Sat night / Sun morning.

She got into bed, realized I was awake and snuggled up close to me, then nothing was said about it on Sunday.

Last night - she kept to her side of the bed. Seems she only wants to show intamacy when she feels guilty.

I want to say something, and I don't know the best approach - she knows how I feel about her coming in late and in the past she says "she just lost track of the time because she was having a good time with friends". Do I just ignore? I could just move back to the spare room every time she comes home late.

[dearme]

I want to say something, and I don't know the best approach - she knows how I feel about her coming in late and in the past she says "she just lost track of the time because she was having a good time with friends". Do I just ignore? I could just move back to the spare room every time she comes home late.

I had this same issue with my wife. She works part-time as a waitress, typically gets off work around 11pm and then would hang out with her friends until anywhere between 2-4am. At one point I was sure she was having an affair. I feel pretty safe in saying that at this point I don't think she is. What she ultimately admitted was that it was a lot easier to just stay out late having fun with her friends instead of coming home to a situation that was filled with stress and anxiety and all sorts of other negative feelings. Hanging out distracted her from the reality of her situation at home...provided her an escape...and I think gave her an opportunity to flex what she felt like was the "freedom" she deserved as a WAW.

I eventually discussed with her very calmly and rationally that I felt like she had a right to do ALMOST anything she wanted as a person who declared she was done with her marriage, but that no matter what we still had children together, she was still a mom, and I wasn't prepared to take over all the morning responsibilities just because she needed to sleep in after staying out all night. I work at home 3-4 days a week, and I told her she couldn't take advantage of that by assuming I would take over all the parenting by myself in the morning; work is work whether I do it at home or at the office.

I don't know the particulars of your situation...but depending on how approachable your wife is on the matter I would maybe consider a similar talk with her. It's definitely a tricky situation though...I know in my case the slightest intimation that I was trying to control my wife or accuse her of something like an affair would have made the whole situation go south really quickly. If you handle it skillfully though, you might get the result I did... I let her know my feelings about things without going the extra step of telling her what her response should be, and after a few days of mulling it over on her own why wife came to the conclusion that she was being unfair and a bit irresponsible. So, she still has a night here and there where she comes in later than I would prefer, but for the most part she's been coming home if not right after work, than at least at a more reasonable hour. And she's gotten pretty conscientious about calling me when she gets off work to let me know what her plans are...and this is all under the assumption that this is what a good PARENT does, rather than a good wife, so it being a control issue comes less into play.

Oh, personally, I would not move into the spare room as a display of your discontent. I think your best bet is to handle it directly, or ignore it altogether. Moving into the spare room without discussing your motives outright comes off as a little passive -aggressive...definitely not what our situations call for I think.

[NYCPeter]

Thanks for sharing your experience.

My W only works Fri / Sat nights so me looking after the girls is not an issue from that respect with the exception that it limits one of my GAL activities (play more golf).

I agree the moving into the spare room is passive aggresive and I am trying to remove that aspect of my personality and like you there are no signs of an affair despite my earlier thinking so.

To be honest if it wasn't for the late nights and the lack of ML I would say our R is as strong as it's been for a long while and the progress over the last month or so has been pretty remarkable.