Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[25yearsmlc]

have you discussed any of this with a DB coach?

Also have you read the DB books? (I prefer the 2nd one as the first spends energy on why divorce is so bad, which I already "get").

You are certainly taking stands on things and POSSIBLY escalating by forcing his hand which is why I'm asking you what frame of reference you are using.

Also, what is your present GOAL?

Do you want a reconciliation?

Do you simply want to get through this nightmare somehow in one piece?

And fwiw, having your kids meet OW eventually will happen IF THE AFFAIR lasts...and you

questioning that makes him want to defend it MORE, not less.

But, regardless, don't assume the girls will LOVE OW or that OW will LOVE the girls.

Everyone's happy enough for awhile...and THEN the "whole beautiful blended" families that you see on TV are not so beautiful after all.

My neighbor was a loving wife and mother of 4, and she died suddenly 4 years ago. I am writing this detailed story about her, so you can see that even in the most sympathetic times, it's HARD to do it well.

So my friend was happily m, honestly. 16 yrs. She died suddenly and Her h was devastated as was the whole family. She was the center of the family and VERY active and the kids and h sort of "caved in" after her death.

Her h seemed paralyzed although I have to say he sure stepped up to the plate for the kids...but they all looked shell shocked for a solid year. Then slowly they came out of their shells a little.

ANYHOW, I watched how he handled the whole dating,& introducing a new woman to his kids and all that.

He dated no one for 2 years. No one. Finally he felt ready and I think his kids were even more ready than he was, if you KWIM. The youngest girl especially needs a mom. (she was 7 when my friend, her mom, had the burst aneurysm in her brain, hours after an evening of "game night"...an amazing tragedy)

But back to him....My God he was SO careful dating !!

He finally Met a woman online (eharmony--they are thorough according to Him),

they talked several times before meeting for coffee. (She has one child, and is divorced for 4 years).

They decided after 3 dates, to take a 10 week dance class together as neither had before. ( I know my late friend would be saying "good for you h!!" as they had once planned on dancing lessons). I think he wanted to see how they'd work together and learn together, and whether the chemistry he felt would endure. (Smart huh?)

So after 10 weeks of meeting for dinner and dance classes, they decided to pursue the relationship more. Then 3-4 more months passed and they chose to meet their kids BUT not have the kids meet her 6 y/o son yet.

The kids pretty much had "veto" power b/c if either partner didn't fully get along with the other's child, it was BYE BYE...that seemed clear.

Months LATER they had their kids meet...everyone took it so slowly. Finally this summer the "new woman" met my late friends family and they gave her a thumbs up.

I am confident the widower has found someone who will be with him for life and I'm happy, although it is bittersweet.

AND YET

Despite the most beautiful pursuit and relationship development and putting the kids first...

I can tell the widower is hoping somehow there will be no waves. But there are always waves, no matter how undeserved.

The "new woman" is lovely (a Godsend, literally) but her young son wants his one on one time w.his mom...and though he wants siblings too, HE is getting a trade off.

He won't get that 1 on 1 IF she takes over as step mom for some motherless kids. And I think she will and she should..but it DOES cost her son something...but then, he gains too.

The situation I am describing is real but just about the most perfect you can have for being PRO relationship. There is no mother and there are kids wanting one. There had been a happy marriage so there's no weird baggage although I guess the "new woman" has a lot to live up to.& YET THERE WILL BE WAVES.

IN CONTRAST---

Imagine YOUR h's and kids adjustments...and hers...and her stbxh's...lovely nightmare with multiple dimensions.

If you don't push or judge (overtly) too hard, he may wake up faster than some around here. IT's way way too complicated...but don't make yourself out to be the beyotch who prevented their "wonderful love" from being perfected....let LIFE and REALITY do that...make sense?

I recall my idiot uncle leaving my aunt 30 years ago. He had married "up" if you KWIM but he left her, for OW....

They married right After the OW's h died by suicide, and so uncle felt guilty!! So he raised HER kids and neglected his own,

but later on, a few years later, he told his mother that IF he'd [i]"known how much pain this would cause, it would never have gone this far...".[/i]..too late buddy.

(SIDENOTE, My uncle and ow lived in Europe, where they remained, leaving my aunt to fend for herself and 2 toddlers with $20 in her pocket and no home or job...NICE!!
My aunt admitted that she believed he'd had other affairs but she never knew for sure.

Anyhow, she did manage eventually, got serious therapy, bought a small but tasteful cute house, and a job teaching, and she raised her kids...
She remarried too...a really close friend of her ex h's...10 years younger I might add....

So 8 years passed. And uncle's new wife, (The OW), called my aunt...to ask if her h (my uncle) was THERE!!..as in, she did not know where he was..

meaning he was still cheating on her, the OW!

Suddenly my aunt breathed a sigh of deep relieft and realized, truly, that

"OMG it's not me. It's HIM! He's just a cheating liar with a lot of wit and charm!"

She also said she had "not had those familiar stomach aches and worries about where he is when he says he's working late, out of town", etc....

She realized, in effect, he had done her a favor by leaving.

Her 2nd marriage is happier than she ever could have been with her first.

I do NOT say this to say your h is a chronic cheat,

but to say that there is hope for you being happy again. I have 2 family members who divorced and remarried years later. They are happier now than before. IT goes both ways.

If you got dealt a lousy hand of cards, you can still play that hand as best you can.

I don't know your sitch well enough to know what else to advise other than my generic, "have you dug deep enough into your own stuff?"

IF YOU WANT TO RECONCILE (and I can't tell from your last posts at all)


Right or wrong, the bottom line is that

your h would need to believe that marriage to you now, from this day forward, would be different and better than before.

So, How have YOU changed?


As for meeting OPs kids...it is

Always a trade off. On one hand you hate the idea of being replaced even though you know in your head/heart that's not really what would happen. Still it irks you in principle. I GET THAT.

OTOH, the problems I PROMISE you, will happen when they all meet and hang out, might well speed up the demise of the affair too.

Some people call it reality.

...so in your sitch, it'll be far more complicated and he's a fool to think otherwise. But he has NOT thought this out.

ANd it's not your job to think it out for him. LET HIM discover that OW's h might not love the idea of him replacing her h. OR allow it...let her h be the "mean former spouse"...

(Let your H find out how crappy the grass in on the other side. Don't be the one to point it out - or he'll say it's "GREENER"!!)

You dont' have to point it out b/c trust me, there's a lot of "kill the messenger" in these situations.

You, the LBSer, "standing in the way of his happiness" can be blamed for pointing out (causing) the thunderstorm ahead.

My friend the widower met and began dating this woman about 20 months ago and they are still not engaged or living together. I think taking it slow never hurts but rushing it sure can.

But that's NOT a lesson YOU are to teach your h. Life will.

So, back to YOU.

What do you want? If it's a reconciliation, how are all these challenges helping you?

meaning, the more you challenge his choices, the more he defends them...

Go back to the DB books and really get a hold of their approach.

Confrontations often = ultimatums, in effect. And Ultimatums are fine under ONE condition--

that you are completely prepared for the answer you don't want,

which is almost always the answer you'll get when you push them....


that doesn't mean I say be a doormat, but be careful what you wish for.

Decide what you wish for, and what you are willing to do to get it.

If you can possibly afford a DB coach, you ought to get some sessions. It's cheaper than divorce and is the single best thing I did to help my m stay alive.

((9 )))