Thank you very much for offering your perspectives!
Cadet, I have always respected your opinions. Thank you for offering your thoughts about XH's stage. It's been so long since I thought about the MLC stages that it took me several minutes to find the link (in your welcome to MLC list). I understand the concerns that folks have about assigning a stage to their MLCer. Difficult to see the big picture until the MLC is really winding down. However, when I re-read the description of the stages, what struck me was that in Depression and the later stages, the MLCer begins to recognize and face their issues. XH has made a handful of comments over the past few months indicating that he is becoming aware of some of his issues. I didn't report all of these in my update --- can't remember all of them. I just noted that change which does seem to be consistent with the description of Depression, so maybe you are right. Others have written that MLCers can cycle back and forth between several stages, so who knows what might happen?
Good question about who initiates contact. Jody always coached me to let H/XH initiate contact so I have let him do the majority of initiating since 1-2 months post-bomb and ESPECIALLY since our heated discussion in June. I'd say that since the bomb H/XH has initiated ~80-90% of the time except for the first few months after his mother's death when I initiated ~30-50%. That didn't work so well. Except for the first few TT games, I have always waited for XH to initiate games and he has done so on a regular basis.
Yes, I am pretty detached now but friendly with XH. I don't plan to do much initiating. Thanks for your thoughts on this topic!
Antonia, thank you very much for your thoughts! Your posts are always thought-provoking. It was interesting to read what you wrote about my "still working with" XH. I guess I think that phrase may have applied somewhat when I was actively DB'ing but I don't really think of boundary-setting and communicating in my personal Rs as "working with" my friends. If I thought a friend was exercising poor judgement I would question them about that, but I don't think of that as "helping" them. I wouldn't try to impose my value system on a friend.
I continue to interact with XH in a friendly manner because much of the time I find it at least somewhat enjoyable. Over the past month XH has become more considerate and thoughtful, so that has added to the enjoyment.
When I wrote that XH reminded me of a non-compliant patient when he persisted in certain behaviors, I was referring to his choice to not comply with recommendations made by his physicians that would have eased his physical complaints. I wasn't referring to the difficulty he has facing his childhood demons. Sorry if I was unclear about that. I don't have any desire to control XH. I am much more of a distancer personality, something I've written about before. My post may not have made this clear, but over the summer I detached big time from XH. It was painful and I shed a lot of tears, but I feel as though I've come to a good place, a bit like what beatrice has described, although she is definitely further along on that journey than I am. I still grieve at times for my H (the man he used to be) like a widow, but that is part of healing for me.
I have learned from over 20 years of patient care in a pain clinic setting that all we can do is put the information out there. We have no control over what the patient (or loved one) does with that information. That is THEIR choice.
I don't write much about my other friendships here because this is one of the only places I can get feedback/support about what has happened with my H/XH. THat is why I am here. THis board has saved my sanity throughout this very difficult process.
It's late here so I'm not sure if what I wrote makes sense. Thanks again for taking time to post to me.
