Thought it would be done by now...part 3

[25yearsmlc]

okay so I know I am to be focusing on myself and the kids. I am but questions still come to my mind. I am going to throw this out there and you can give me a 2x4 if you want but it is a question that haunts me some.
Many times in C ( currently not going due to money) my therapist would tell me "your not that powerful". This is in regard to talking about how my actions could make my H go one way or another. Push him over the edge if you will.
Well, if I understand correctly according to DB we have a significant impact on how our S's react when they are in the confusion part of their crisis. If we pull back not push and plead. I made those mistakes.

Not so, imo. DB isn't about doing what saves m's, so much as 1) saving ourselves--which CAN lead to improved r's/m's and 2) NOT doing what hurts the m.

I find a lot of my advice is about what NOT to do, such as "Don't pursue, "don't do R talk," etc

I think reading the book 'Co-dependent No More" may help you b/c you seem to assume a ton of responsbility for choices that are Clearly HIS...even now.


Forgive yourself, let those "mistakes" (if that's even what they were) go.

Staying stuck in your past of "What if's?" does not help anyone.

You did your best with the tools you had at the time.

Now you have more tools. Good.

Honestly, Did you ever knowingly set out to plan AND then hurt your h?

Did you Ever lie to help yourself (as opposed to white lies, which I make exceptions for and which are never to benefit ME...
e.g., when my chubby sister asked me on her wedding day "To swear" she didn't look fat....)

well, I quickly asked God for forgiveness if lying was wrong
but I swore she didn't look fat.

I could not see ANY value to being fully honest in that moment, you know?

So I think there is a role for "white lies" and I just try to ask God each time, "is this lie okay? Is there ANY value to the truth at this moment and or, am I just rationalizing something to protect ME?"

So, did you lie to your h about something just to help yourself and deceive him?

B/C what we KNOW now, is your h did that a LOT to you.

He can say it was to protect you but it hurt you MORE in the long run, and always was in HIS interest. And he repeated the acts he lied about
And over a long period of time. And he still is.

And he left you and the kids. Did THEY hurt him? Unforgivably?

"Being too powerful" as your t said, can mean being self centered and paranoid all at once. Not a great combo. Can you imagine your kids thinking THEY were at fault for his leaving?

Well? he left THEM too...so why isn't it THEIR fault? B/C he's a grown man? YES...and as such, he's responsible for his words/actions. Period.

It helped me as a L to think of it this way==

Like states such as Iowa, Texas, Florida, etc....We each have a "jurisdiction" to manage in our lives, made up of our actions/words and property and relationships and dreams, etc. It's OUR STUFF....Texas doesn't tell Iowa what to do and neither do other states tell Florida what to do...

So, Try just to handle your own sandbox of life.

That= YOUR issues, YOUR character flaws that you are working on, GAL, the 180s, loving your kids as best you can, coming up with a financial plan based on not having h around but getting reliable CS from him, etc...

Nobody else's sandbox matters to you unless their sand gets into your box.
IF SO, you move yours so you sandbox is always just fine thanks.

AND there is Plenty of sand in your box.

Why get into HIS?

Let him deal with his sandbox and not come into yours, and you stay out of his.

No more assuming responsibility for ANY of HIS words/actions. Just yours.

And once you identify those mistakes, honestly appraising them without magnifying them, you learn from them. You don't repeat them. You change into your best self.

Christ Life, what else can anyone do?

Make sense?







I clearly remember my H acting like he was so torn many times. Then I would argue or try to talk him into why he should be happy. And, he actually said to me"thanks- you just made my decision for me" Really?!?! Thought I wasnt' that powerful.
Try living with that??
Any input?