Update

[AntoniaB]

Hi GAG. I don't know if this counts as advice or just an observation, but when I read how long you're still working with him, I think wow. I can't get over what you've invested. And I guess I want to give you one perspective on this, especially since you likened the experience to working with a patient who won't follow the directions to take care of themselves.

Where is the point when we decide that what we give to help these people--when the help is paying attention when they come out of the tunnel here and there, investing our thoughts or emotions into their troubles, wondering how to help but how to walk the line and remain detached, all that stuff--when is the point that we decide that there are OTHER people in the world that we could be investing time in who would actually care about themselves enough to take the help and improve their condition, whatever it is?

I don't know if I'm explaining this right and I don't want to sound condescending like it's "us", who are all "enlightened", versus "them", who are in the tunnel for years and years.

But let me illustrate it this way: in the 2-week period where I started to reconnect with my XH a bit via email, when I saw that he is still VERY deep in replay and still really not getting it at all, and when I started to get really honest with myself about his tendency towards depression that has literally been with him since I met him in college, and which shows NO signs of going anywhere because he's too arrogant or scared to look at himself in the mirror, I found myself wanting to help him STILL. And in that same time period, I started to talk to a guy I work with who is about 20 years older than me, the guy who started up the meditation group I go to. And this guy is married, has kids, and there is nothing romantic at all with him--but in talking to him, I found that he is combatting severe depression and his own breakdown from last year that stemmed from unresolved issues from his marriage over 20 years ago. And when I reached out to him, he ACCEPTED my help. He's only too grateful to have a friend and to be a friend TO ME as well. It took him over 20 years to come out of his tunnel, so to speak.

And then I thought: well, Antonia, you can keep trying in vain to reach out to your XH with a respectful distance, and you can keep being rebuffed again and again, because XH thinks he knows it all, or you can focus your energy on people who actually welcome your help and want to give something in return, and that's the choice I made.

I don't feel I'm shutting the door on XH in that I will not rule out EVER reconciling with him. There is a part of me that feels like it could work if he ever loses OW and stops running. But I also know that the parts of him that I ignored, that deep-seated depression and pessimism, has been with him all his life, and I just wonder if I have a limited time here, and life is about caring for others, should I not be trying to care for those who want care enough to TRY?

I wonder if you might be going through this a little, only because you said that you've allowed more time to go between the times you interact. I think you want to stand for the marriage but if you're seeing him almost as a patient, then something is really shifting in you.

Like I said, not really advice, just something that I thought of when I read your post. I guess what I'm saying is that I think you can still keep the door open for FAR into the future but detach from him a bit more, and I'm sure it's difficult to do so with the depression, because you want to care for him. But he has to learn to care for himself, too, and there might be others out there you can focus your energy on more to do more good in the world? I dunno. Just a thought :-)