Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

So after you fall down, you get up again... And that is what I did.

Yesterday I exercised, spent quality time with my girls and really worked on getting negative thoughts out of my mind, using the Stop sign visual. My mood improved and I was not so down on myself.

H was online - I wished him luck with his board meeting (short hello and 1-liner). He thanked me and said he would stop by in the evening to help with a feeding for the baby so I could sleep a couple of hrs. I accepted the offer, thanked him graciously and then I ended the convo first.

When he arrived, we were both polite (although no hugging or kissing hello, which is something we usually do). He said for his birthday on thursday he wanted to go have lunch with the kids, but might need to cancel, or move it because he has a meeting. I calmly told him that it was ok and to let me know when he figured his plans out. (OW is arriving that afternoon to spent 4 days with him...) He then grabbed the paper and pretty much ignored the couple of comments I made. He also brought his cell phone with him (we have had arguments about it, because he ofter texts with OW in my presence). Although yesterday he was playing sudoku. I did not let any of this trigger me. I remembered to be more silent and wait for him to talk. He didn't. So I finished watching my show, said good night politely and went to my room to take a nap. He stayed for the feeding and had left by the time I woke up.

Today I also exercised, spent quality time with the kids, paid some bills and worked on a list of things I need to do. H had asked me to look for family fun center options for his BD lunch with the kids on Thursday so I came up with a couple of them. Took the girls to their first swimming lesson in the afternoon and then BBQd hamburgers. H arrived and said hi to girls but didn't acknowledge me (I was in the kitchen). 5 minutes later, I finally said hi to him (i admit my tone was a little sarcastic. It's just that some days I am just so tired of him showing up unannounced, letting me feed him dinner and having him ignore me in my own house...)

He asked how long I napped the night before. I responded 2 hrs. - he questioned it a couple of times (he tends to question the accuracy of my statements A LOT). I finally said - sorry - I guess I just don't remember it accurately. He asked what was wrong and I told him I felt like he was scolding me. He then did a 180 himself - instead of arguing he said "can we start over?" I said yes with a smile and said hello again.

We had a pleasant family dinner and his favorite dessert. Then bedtime routine started. My best friend called. Usually, I let all calls go to voicemail when H is in the house. Today I answered and went to the other room to talk to my friend for 30 minutes.

When done, we sang songs to girls. It's part of the bedtime routine, but when he is in a bad mood, he either does it alone or if I do it, he'll leave the room. Tonight he stayed - the girls love it when we both sing together. After that, he stayed for about 30 minutes. He talked about work and I listened carefully, making eye contact and validating his opinions. He then got up to leave and said he had to clean the house cause he has not done it in a long time. (OW will arrive on Thu and stay there for 4 days). I didn't let it trigger me and said nothing. I thanked him for diffusing the situation earlier in the evening. He leaned and gave me a nice, warm hug and left.

So overall, I feel like I had a decent comeback after a horrendous weekend. Now I need to STAY consistent and most importantly, stay positive. I realize how self-defeating my thoughts and emotions can be...

Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

[keep_going]

Journaling...

Thu 9/15 - H's 41st birthday. I had asked a week before if he had plans or wanted to celebrate in any special way. I told him we wanted to celebrate him.

(Even though this might not be a good DB technique, one of his biggest complaints has been that I never celebrated any of his birthdays or made him feel special in any way. So back in April, I did a "late" 40th BD celebration for him and went all out decorating the room, doing a special meal from scratch (I never cook), burned a couple of CDs with specially selected music I knew he would like, got him "old guy" gag presents as well as a couple of gift cards of places I knew he liked, etc. He cried when he thanked me that day... On the other hand, he has not listened to either of the two CDs)

For this birthday, he said he'd like to have lunch with the kids and go to a family fun ctr. to celebrate. I knew that OW would probably have something planned for him, so I decided to be casual and just do whatever he wanted.
He said he was N/A at night and that on Friday night he would also be celebrating with his friends. In other words, OW is here all weekend

Anyways, the lunch celebration was a lot of fun. I made sure I looked really good, but in a casual way. I also had the girls draw some pictures for him as a present and I bought a birthday card that said "Happy Birthday to the best Dad" and signed it as if it was from the kids and not me. I also got him a box of his favorite Sees' candy.

Towards the end of the celebration, he got anxious and fidgety about making sure he would leave by 4pm. It was painful to watch, but I kept my cool and my smile in my face thruout and when he hugged me goodbye I was friendly and wished him happy birthday. As he was walking away, he immediately reached for his phone. At least I was able to remain upbeat while he was present

Twenty minutes later he texted me saying "Thank you so much! That was the best part of my day! I appreciate everything you do for me and the kids."

When I saw the text (an hour later) I replied "you are welcome :)"

Now back to reality:
1) He has been MIA since then...
2) Our real estate agent called me today to say she needs to meet with us re. sale of the townhome - need to have a price reduction and she needs to meet with us ASAP. She complained that H doesn't return her calls. I told her she probably would not hear from him for a couple of days.
Our financial crisis is finally going to come crashing down...
3) I called a Ls office to make an appointment for next week to have a consultation. I was clear I was not ready to file for D. They took down my info to start a file and will call me back to confirm a date and time.
4) Tonight H was going to meet with all our friends (his childhood friends and I guess my ex-friends now) and OW. It's so painful to see how she is slowly taking my place in his life and in our world as they bring their R out in the open. In the meantime, I continue with baby feedings every three hours thru the night...

[keep_going]

Sat 9/17
Journaling again...

Called H in the AM to see if he would take the kids today or tomorrow. (As usual, he didn't confirm any plans with me for this weekend. It's really my fault for not setting limits and finalizing a visitation schedule with him...)
He called back after 2 hrs. to say he could take the kids today and they could spend the night with him. Note - he had NEVER offered to have them spend the night at his place, so I asked him if OW would be there. He hesitated and said yes.

It took everything in me not to lose it. I told him firmly but w/o raising my voice that I didn't want the kids to spend the night if OW would be there. He was truly surprised - he didn't think there was anything wrong with it and it was a matter of time before the kids would need to interact with her.

I asked him what he had planned on telling our Ds re. OW. (specially our almost 4-yr old D). He said he had not thought about it, but would. I told him that more the reason not to have them meet today, since he had not really given it much thought.

He didn't like the idea but agreed. When he arrived to pick them up I brought up the subject again and told him I wanted to make sure he understood I was not mad, but wanted to express my concerns to him:
1) too soon in the R to introduce them - I am concerned that kids will get attached to OW
2) how would H explain it? I was concerned that he would tackle this unilaterally. I told him that I thought we should agree on what the storyline would be to the girls so that we would both be consistent on what we told them and co-parent appropriately.

I asked why he didn't want to wait longer before exposing the kids to OW. He said he wanted her to see him in his role as father. I asked then if it was for his own interests and not for the kids. He said that he wanted to have a R with OW where it was not just the two of them, but have OW see his whole life.
(again, about him, not kids...)

I asked if OW had introduced him to her daughters (10 and 6). He said no - it was different, they were older. I told him I didn't like the double-standard and that I thought he should be more concerned with protecting our Ds, since they were younger and it will be harder to try to explain and make sense of the situation with them.

He seemed to understand my POV. At the end he asked "when would you feel it would be appropriate to introduce them then?" I said I didn't know, but it would probably make more sense once
1) H and OW had an open R, where all the family and friends knew about R.
2) when they had a more stable R. (right now they don't even live in the same city...)
3) when OW's daughters met him

He got frustrated and replied "well, that's not fair. What if OW's husband does not want them to meet me?"
I just said "I don't know"
He then added "it's complicated"
Finally I asked him if either of them had plans to move so they could live in the same location. He said he was not moving to Oakland and that he didn't know if and when she could move here. He said that might take years. ???

It was definitely a tough conversation, but I think we needed to have it. Was I right in asking him not to expose our kids to his R????

I question my every move now. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

In terms of DB, once he took the kids I took a much-needed nap, went for a run, talked to our real estate agent about finances, went out for dinner and called a friend and invited her over for some wine and girl time once the kids went to bed.

She is on her way now, so I will check in later.

I wonder if my posts are visible to people - I don't seem to get any responses yet. thanks for any feedback or words of wisdom you can provide. I feel like EVERY day I get another curveball thrown my way...

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi KG,

People are here. Reading and praying for you.

You sound as if you are doing great. Sticking to your morals and setting boundaries.

Heck, I have a ton of respect for you the way you are explaining it.

Your H is in a total fog. And is incredibally selfish.

He doesn't care about hurting you. Replacing you. Hurting your children.

The bottom line here is that you have to go and GAL. Have fun. Enjoy yourself.

It will not be easy. But you owe it to yourself and your kids to have a wonderful life. You are an amazing woman. You have a ton to offer. You deserve love and you will have it again. Know that! Live that!

Your H is gone right now. Will he come back? Maybe. Will you want him back? Maybe.

No more asking about OW. He will do what he wants. And they are both of such low moral fiber right now, they are not worth your energy. Your tears. Your time.

So you now need to do what you want.

So I ask you... Your H is gone. What do you want?

[25yearsmlc]

have you discussed any of this with a DB coach?

Also have you read the DB books? (I prefer the 2nd one as the first spends energy on why divorce is so bad, which I already "get").

You are certainly taking stands on things and POSSIBLY escalating by forcing his hand which is why I'm asking you what frame of reference you are using.

Also, what is your present GOAL?

Do you want a reconciliation?

Do you simply want to get through this nightmare somehow in one piece?

And fwiw, having your kids meet OW eventually will happen IF THE AFFAIR lasts...and you

questioning that makes him want to defend it MORE, not less.

But, regardless, don't assume the girls will LOVE OW or that OW will LOVE the girls.

Everyone's happy enough for awhile...and THEN the "whole beautiful blended" families that you see on TV are not so beautiful after all.

My neighbor was a loving wife and mother of 4, and she died suddenly 4 years ago. I am writing this detailed story about her, so you can see that even in the most sympathetic times, it's HARD to do it well.

So my friend was happily m, honestly. 16 yrs. She died suddenly and Her h was devastated as was the whole family. She was the center of the family and VERY active and the kids and h sort of "caved in" after her death.

Her h seemed paralyzed although I have to say he sure stepped up to the plate for the kids...but they all looked shell shocked for a solid year. Then slowly they came out of their shells a little.

ANYHOW, I watched how he handled the whole dating,& introducing a new woman to his kids and all that.

He dated no one for 2 years. No one. Finally he felt ready and I think his kids were even more ready than he was, if you KWIM. The youngest girl especially needs a mom. (she was 7 when my friend, her mom, had the burst aneurysm in her brain, hours after an evening of "game night"...an amazing tragedy)

But back to him....My God he was SO careful dating !!

He finally Met a woman online (eharmony--they are thorough according to Him),

they talked several times before meeting for coffee. (She has one child, and is divorced for 4 years).

They decided after 3 dates, to take a 10 week dance class together as neither had before. ( I know my late friend would be saying "good for you h!!" as they had once planned on dancing lessons). I think he wanted to see how they'd work together and learn together, and whether the chemistry he felt would endure. (Smart huh?)

So after 10 weeks of meeting for dinner and dance classes, they decided to pursue the relationship more. Then 3-4 more months passed and they chose to meet their kids BUT not have the kids meet her 6 y/o son yet.

The kids pretty much had "veto" power b/c if either partner didn't fully get along with the other's child, it was BYE BYE...that seemed clear.

Months LATER they had their kids meet...everyone took it so slowly. Finally this summer the "new woman" met my late friends family and they gave her a thumbs up.

I am confident the widower has found someone who will be with him for life and I'm happy, although it is bittersweet.

AND YET

Despite the most beautiful pursuit and relationship development and putting the kids first...

I can tell the widower is hoping somehow there will be no waves. But there are always waves, no matter how undeserved.

The "new woman" is lovely (a Godsend, literally) but her young son wants his one on one time w.his mom...and though he wants siblings too, HE is getting a trade off.

He won't get that 1 on 1 IF she takes over as step mom for some motherless kids. And I think she will and she should..but it DOES cost her son something...but then, he gains too.

The situation I am describing is real but just about the most perfect you can have for being PRO relationship. There is no mother and there are kids wanting one. There had been a happy marriage so there's no weird baggage although I guess the "new woman" has a lot to live up to.& YET THERE WILL BE WAVES.

IN CONTRAST---

Imagine YOUR h's and kids adjustments...and hers...and her stbxh's...lovely nightmare with multiple dimensions.

If you don't push or judge (overtly) too hard, he may wake up faster than some around here. IT's way way too complicated...but don't make yourself out to be the beyotch who prevented their "wonderful love" from being perfected....let LIFE and REALITY do that...make sense?

I recall my idiot uncle leaving my aunt 30 years ago. He had married "up" if you KWIM but he left her, for OW....

They married right After the OW's h died by suicide, and so uncle felt guilty!! So he raised HER kids and neglected his own,

but later on, a few years later, he told his mother that IF he'd [i]"known how much pain this would cause, it would never have gone this far...".[/i]..too late buddy.

(SIDENOTE, My uncle and ow lived in Europe, where they remained, leaving my aunt to fend for herself and 2 toddlers with $20 in her pocket and no home or job...NICE!!
My aunt admitted that she believed he'd had other affairs but she never knew for sure.

Anyhow, she did manage eventually, got serious therapy, bought a small but tasteful cute house, and a job teaching, and she raised her kids...
She remarried too...a really close friend of her ex h's...10 years younger I might add....

So 8 years passed. And uncle's new wife, (The OW), called my aunt...to ask if her h (my uncle) was THERE!!..as in, she did not know where he was..

meaning he was still cheating on her, the OW!

Suddenly my aunt breathed a sigh of deep relieft and realized, truly, that

"OMG it's not me. It's HIM! He's just a cheating liar with a lot of wit and charm!"

She also said she had "not had those familiar stomach aches and worries about where he is when he says he's working late, out of town", etc....

She realized, in effect, he had done her a favor by leaving.

Her 2nd marriage is happier than she ever could have been with her first.

I do NOT say this to say your h is a chronic cheat,

but to say that there is hope for you being happy again. I have 2 family members who divorced and remarried years later. They are happier now than before. IT goes both ways.

If you got dealt a lousy hand of cards, you can still play that hand as best you can.

I don't know your sitch well enough to know what else to advise other than my generic, "have you dug deep enough into your own stuff?"

IF YOU WANT TO RECONCILE (and I can't tell from your last posts at all)


Right or wrong, the bottom line is that

your h would need to believe that marriage to you now, from this day forward, would be different and better than before.

So, How have YOU changed?


As for meeting OPs kids...it is

Always a trade off. On one hand you hate the idea of being replaced even though you know in your head/heart that's not really what would happen. Still it irks you in principle. I GET THAT.

OTOH, the problems I PROMISE you, will happen when they all meet and hang out, might well speed up the demise of the affair too.

Some people call it reality.

...so in your sitch, it'll be far more complicated and he's a fool to think otherwise. But he has NOT thought this out.

ANd it's not your job to think it out for him. LET HIM discover that OW's h might not love the idea of him replacing her h. OR allow it...let her h be the "mean former spouse"...

(Let your H find out how crappy the grass in on the other side. Don't be the one to point it out - or he'll say it's "GREENER"!!)

You dont' have to point it out b/c trust me, there's a lot of "kill the messenger" in these situations.

You, the LBSer, "standing in the way of his happiness" can be blamed for pointing out (causing) the thunderstorm ahead.

My friend the widower met and began dating this woman about 20 months ago and they are still not engaged or living together. I think taking it slow never hurts but rushing it sure can.

But that's NOT a lesson YOU are to teach your h. Life will.

So, back to YOU.

What do you want? If it's a reconciliation, how are all these challenges helping you?

meaning, the more you challenge his choices, the more he defends them...

Go back to the DB books and really get a hold of their approach.

Confrontations often = ultimatums, in effect. And Ultimatums are fine under ONE condition--

that you are completely prepared for the answer you don't want,

which is almost always the answer you'll get when you push them....


that doesn't mean I say be a doormat, but be careful what you wish for.

Decide what you wish for, and what you are willing to do to get it.

If you can possibly afford a DB coach, you ought to get some sessions. It's cheaper than divorce and is the single best thing I did to help my m stay alive.

((9 )))

[angel61]

KG, you are an incredibly strong woman. I think you handled yourself very well, especially in these last post. All your reasons for not wanting the kids to meet the OW are right. YOur H is an incredibly selfish person at this point.

I do see two positives so far: he does appear to care about his children a lot, and he is able tocommunicate with you.

Keep working on yourself, keep being strong.

It looks like his R with OW is still on shaky ground. But he has to find out for himself. This is he part that you should not meddle in or try to fix for him.

You know your H, and know if he is worth your energy and your tears. And you know that you yourself played a big part in the problems of your M. In the early part of your sitch, as you know, the dynamic of control and guilting and being demanding is still obvious.

But you do seem to be a fast learner.

[25yearsmlc]

well said angel^^^

Also, a "PS" about guilt and men.

Some Russian author said it best when she wrote: "When men feel guilty, they attack."

IDK if it lost something in the translation But I sure find that to be true. Can't think of a single time my anger or attempt to guilt my h has not converted into HIM being angry at ME!


OR storming off, etc. I don't think it ever has worked the way I hoped. And yet I only stopped doing it about 5 years ago. (Gee, I'm a super fast learner...not!!)

But I guess that's a benefit of this whole ordeal. I just don't guilt him anymore.
Rational talks in CALM tones helps a lot. THe second my voice changes, he tunes out or gets his shields up and arms his arsenal.

Even if you justified guilting him, (for obvious things he's already feeling guilt but hiding it from YOU so you're the last person he can hear it from)
but, it won't work well, or at least not for any length of time. Plus it backfires so badly and makes you look bad in ways Angel alluded to.

Good luck, I'll try to read your sitch so I have a context. I know this stinks but it does get better. Seriously.

But don't lose sight of what you CAN control, which is one person--YOU.

What are YOU doing for YOU to make you the best you that can be?

If you truly work on that, and authentically improve into being your best self, i.e., a woman only a fool would leave,

then you must leave the results up to God.

How will your h know you've changed? He has to see you b/c of the kids. Those are opportunities for you to detach BUT Look great and be upbeat...moving on. Did you get the 37 rules for Dbing that Sandi put together? It's a compilation...maybe I'll post it later.

SO-
How will he trust that your changes are real and will last if he comes back, and aren't just "tactics" to get him back?

I say "do the math"...

Consistent change + sufficient time = changes they can believe in.

(( ))

[keep_going]

SBH, Angel and 25 - many, many thanks for your advice and support! It really, really helps to see things from another POV and get a clear picture of what I am doing wrong and right.

25 - It has been a wake-up call to have you ask if I want reconciliation in my M. It shows me that my actions HAVE NOT been consistent with my goal of saving my M. If my actions don't indicate to you what my intent is, I can see how they wouldn't to my H either. I have to change A LOT of my behavior to get there...

To answer the Q about what I have done so far, let me give you some background:
When H first moved out, I started using Mort Fertel's approach to saving my marriage, (it basically calls for personal change and unconditional love 24/7. Not really much on setting personal limits or detachment).

To work on my personal changes, I started reading about and working on how to control my anger and made lots of improvements. I also made my R with H a priority - I had an open door policy at home, treated as if he still lived here - made him dinner, let him hang out as often and as long as he wanted, bought him gifts, listened intently to what he said, called him, left him little notes and overall just showed him with my daily actions my love and how he was a priority for me. I also tried to be affectionate, showed a lot of respect for his personal life and avoided all talk of our R. Even when I would catch him lying or when he finally admitted to "dating" I kept my strong stance and kept loving him unconditionally.

We practically stopped arguing for a few months (we used to fight daily when we were together) and we definitely became closer. He started not only being friendly with me, but opening up and sharing things about his personal life and his feelings again. I even noticed him really questioning himself and having second thoughts. He also often complimented me on my changes and how well I was doing emotionally and would even ask me what I was doing that was helping me so much.

But then things took a turn in June (I still have not been able to pinpoint what I did that caused this change exactly) and his R with OW got stronger. In early July OW left her husband. I found this out 5 days after our son was born, when he finally told me he had decided to pursue his R with her and that he loved her. He has now openly talked about his intent of filing for D very soon. He now denies every having doubts or giving me any false hopes.

This is when I had a major emotional backslide. Anger and despair invaded me again. I also know that going thru all the hormonal changes related to childbirth and maybe even some post-partum depression have not helped...

So when things started going south, I immediately decided to change gears. I discovered Michelle and read both DB and DR books. I have also had 3 sessions with a Coach and I definitely have a list of things to work on and a plan of action.

Unfortunately, my emotions have overpowered me more frequently and with the curve balls H has thrown at in the last couple of months, I have been doing everything wrong - pressuring, talks of R and OW, guilting, etc. (I think my posts have shown how my behavior has not been the best...)

So not surprisingly, we have gone back to arguing. H distrusts me again. I know that right now my worst enemy are my emotions and my lack of control of them.

I do well when there are no triggers, but when OW is in town or H visits her, all my emotions start taking over and I display bad behavior, pressure, etc. I am working on looking for those triggers and get back to my anger management techniques and the advice from my coach, but IT IS SO HARD... It is actually the biggest challenge I have faced in my life and I am not always successful.

And now to answer what I want and what I am currently doing to improve myself...

I want to succeed in being in control of my emotions so I can be happier in all my relationships.
I have started exercising - to feel well, look better and to control my emotions and release negative energy. I keep reading, journaling, writing, seeking support here and doing exercises to predict patterns, behaviors and triggers. I also have started to work on stopping any negative thoughts or related to OW, using the stop sign technique and I have had more success lately in getting negative thoughts out of my mind.

I am working on opening up more to those close to me. One of Hs biggest complaints was that I never showed vulnerability with him or others. I am working on letting my emotions show more, even if I appear fragile. This one is very much WIP, specially with my immediate family. It will take a lot to reverse a behavior I've had ingrained forever and that has been part of my family dynamics for generations...

I want to focus on my kids and have been working on being happy and present with my children and showing them A LOT of love and attention, since they are struggling so much with their emotions. One of the things I will discuss with L this week is how long I can stay at home with the kids before going back to work.

I also want to save my M, so I have been doing little and bigger things.

I am taking care of myself - since H left, I dress nicely every day, wear high heels,, fix my hair, wear make-up and perfume and just make sure I look very nice. I get compliments all the time, even in front of H. Yet he is completely aloof and indifferent. It's hard to see how he doesn't see me as a woman anymore, even if I wear something sexy - there is no attraction for him anymore

I keep reminding myself of what 25 said - I need to be a person H will want to come back to.
So I have been acting as if, looking happy and busy with my life when H is present. I have had a bit more success with this one lately. Yet, H commented to a mutual friend 2 weeks after our son was born that he wanted me to start dating (!!!), so I know that he feels less guilty when he sees me having a more socially-active life, so it doesn't bother him at all Yet I still am inviting my girl friends over and go out with them whenever H takes kids and I also take the kids to visit my parents regularly or invite them over. I will still have the challenge to face A LOT of people and collegues when I get back to work... I have not made it public to my extended network that I have been separated for 9 months now. So it will be hard to face "the world"

I have also completely changed my outlook re. money and my job. I am ok with letting go of my career in the entertainment industry. My days of high salaries and very long hours are gone. (H always said he was supportive of my career, but the reality is that my long hours definitely contributed to the demise of our M). So the day after H moved out, I talked to my boss and negotiated a reduced workday - from 12 to 8 hrs. That was my very first change... H did notice and was shocked that I did it consistently. But now, even 8 hrs. is too much (commute itself is an additional 2 hrs...) So my goal is to work from 9 - 3 and be here with the kids the rest of the time. I am ok with earning a lot less money. After all, what good did it do? We are on the verse of losing all our financial gains and I have lost the most imp R in my life... I am ok doing whatever job that will pay the bills, but will allow me quality time to spend with those I love the most.

Finally, I am working on staying out of the way of Hs R with OW. (although with a lot of setbacks). It also takes a lot of will power to remain discreet and not expose him to our families. My parents adore him and are devastated as is, so I know they would be very hurt if they knew exactly how things are. I am also very very close to all his family and would not want to be the one to tell them how he has behaved and bring them that pain.) In the end, I think I have a better chance at saving my M if I don't expose and I also want to protect my kids from getting hurt. Yet part of me wished someone would try to talk to H. Since he has isolated himself from everyone who will not be supportive of his actions, he is not getting ANY alternate advice from anyone...Just a handful of his "friends" who tell him how he has a right to be happy. It will be harder for him to come back to planet earth if he doesn't face consequences or rejection from anyone. But I guess like 25 says, things will happen on their own and I need to get out of the way.

The one thing I have going my way is that I continue trying, but I now need to find a way to turn the corner. I am also having a very hard time balancing the need to set limits, to detach and to act as if...There also seems to be a fine line between putting the R first (part of Michelle's Keeping Love Alive" techniques and the need to detach and not pursue. I will schedule another session with coach tomorrow to clarify a lot of these points with her, but any thoughts from you guys will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again!

[keep_going]

Journaling -


H just left. Boy, acting as if and detaching can be so hard...
I looked good as always and I was upbeat when he arrived. He found me and the girls playing and having a good time. I was polite but not not gave him too much importance. I continued doing my thing with the kids and he also focused mostly on them (as he usually does). So I don't think he noticed any difference.

I asked him to help give girls a bath (coach suggested getting him more involved in family routine to make him feel as an important part of our family).

Then we watched the girl's favorite show (part of bedtime routine). I danced with them as we usually do and he could see we were having a good time. He didn't join us until the very end when I asked him if he wanted to dance with us.

Then on to bedtime routine. He tried to pull me in to an argument for something really petty - he questioned the age at which the little one needed to go for her 1st dentist check-up. He interrupted me while I was answering and questioned the validity of my response. I simply shrug my shoulders and told him if he wanted to, we could take her sooner. He immediately jumped and told me not to be upset. I replied that I wasn't and he insisted. I then simply asked to please not get into it in front of the girls. He was frustrated that I defused the sit and didn't engage him (as I usually do), so he left the room and went to pout in the living room.

I continued putting the girls to bed, sang to them and he could hear us having a good time. When he is in a good mood, we sing to them together, but tonight he actually waited until I came out of girls room to come in and say good nite to them. Kind of childish if you ask me...

When he came out, I offered to heat up some of the dinner leftovers and he accepted. (He eats dinner at my place 3 -4 times a week, although he never arrives on time to eat with us. He just shows up whenever, so I don't wait for him anymore. Although it would be nice for the girls if he made an effort to eat with them...)

Anyways, he grabbed the paper and began reading. I served his food and I kept myself busy cleaning the kitchen, getting ready for the baby's night feedings and setting the table for tomorrow's breakfast.

Tonight I also made a point of not starting any conversations (I usually ask him about his day and try to engage him). I answered politely when he talked to me - only small talk, though. I could tell he was still either confused about my behavior or upset that he got mad at something so silly. It felt quite forced and a bit awkward.

After he finished eating, I thanked him for helping with the girls bath and he thanked me for dinner. We hugged each other briefly - not a very warm hug, and he immediately left

I don't know if I should feel satisfied with myself. I think I was following DB principles, but I think he felt quite uncomfortable about the whole exchange and I am sure he thinks I was mad. He always thinks I am mad, but in all fairness, my reputation precedes me. All those years with so much anger in me will be hard for him to forget. Plus it is more convenient for him if I am mad, cause that justifies his actions.

Tomorrow we will be meeting with our real estate agent to discuss a drastic price reduction in the sale of our town home and its short-sale. I knew that all these months of H not wanting to budget and reduce our spending was going to eventually catch up to us. (We originally had planned to sell the town home as soon as we bought this house where I live with the kids. He left 7 days after we moved in to this house and went back to the townhome. So we have been carrying 2 huge mortgages that we cannot afford for the last 7 months.)

I also confirmed an appointment with L for Tuesday am of next week.

wow... I still cannot believe this is my life now.
but tomorrow will be another day.

Was my behavior appropriate? I just don't know anymore...

[keep_going]

Journaling again...

Met with Real Estate Agent on Tuesday - H and I have agreed to do a short sale on our townhome, which will affect our credit for a few years. If we can keep the house where I am with the kids, then it will be ok. Will know more after I talk to L next Tuesday.

H then told me he had to go to Tijuana on Wed. (LOTS of problems at work... he had to go visit a contractor in Tijuana who is causing a lot of delays...) He is really concerned and I have really focused on listening and showing empathy and support (as a friend). I read in someone's posting to think of him as a friend and not my S and that has helped.

So yesterday I sent him a text just saying to stay safe in Mexico. He replied with happy face saying "thanks for saying that"

When he returned, he left a message asking if I'd take the kids to his softball game that evening. (He has played since we met and I ALWAYS go to cheer him on. He has invited me to every game since he left and I have gone to many of them. He is always grateful when I do.

The weird part is that nobody at work even knows that we are separated, much less about OW (she also happens to be a client, so that would look terrible). And we have been getting along so well (except for when we have argued), that nobody even suspects a thing...

Yesterday everyone complimented me on how great I look just 8 weeks after labor. I've gotten a lot of that and H has heard some of it.

H bruised his ribs going for a flyball. One of his co-workers said "he'll definitely need you to take care of him tonight with some ice back and pain killers." I just smiled and said nothing. H didn't hear. I am doing wrong in helping him maintain this "cover" at work?

He came home after the game and I made him his favorite soup and really focused on him. Historically he is very accident-prone and sickly, and he LOVES to be taken care of... He was very thankful when he left.

Today he called and said he had gone to the hospital, since he could barely breathe and he was waiting to see a dr. and commented how busy the hospital was. I asked if he wanted some company and he said that would be nice. So I drove down and kept him company for about 2 hrs. while we waited for X-rays and the dr. We had a good time (all friendly and laughing some, until OW stared texting him. He became very serious (he looked guilty to me). But I kept my composure 100%. Didn't change my attitude (even though I was DYING inside). When I left, he gave me a big hug and thanked me very much for taking care of him the previous night and coming down to see him.

(One of the advantages I have over OW, is that since she lives out of town, she doesn't get to participate in the day to day life with him, whereas I see him almost every day...And he is a very needy person, by his own admission, he need A LOT of affection and attention, so I know he is thankful when I am there for him as a friend).

I left to pick-up kids from pre-school. He came over after the hospital, before I was back. He texted asking if it was ok to lay down in "my bed."
I replied yes. When I got home he was out (with the phone in his hand, as usual). I let him sleep until the kids' bedtime. I made the girls go in to say good night. He was super happy that we woke him up and said that was the best part of his day.

I made him dinner and gave him some pain meds. to take home (he had none). Before he left he once again gave me a big hug and thanked me for everything I had done in the past couple of days.

I said "You don't have to thank me I am happy to help take care of you and you know I worry about your health.
(FYI, in the past he had complained that I was not very empathetic when he would get sick.)

So overall, a good couple of days with H, despite the constant presence of OW (H will NOT let his phone out of his grasp even for a moment, so I get to witness all the texting, plus his attention is always focused on the stupid phone, waiting for her...)

And I have also been working on keeping my spirits up when he is not around. Continue stopping negative or sad thoughts and focusing on GAL.

We will see what happens next.