I am surprised, too, by the violence of your blowup. You knew there was om, whether or not they were dating. You are trying to control all aspects of her life, and now you two are S, you just can't! Her time is her time, and if she wants a friend to watch the kids she should be able to, without informing you.
And, I agree with MrBond, you don't get to decide that now you are sobered up, that she has to now fall into line with you. You are not allowing her to make her own decisions about your M.
Either you do or you don't want to work things out. You can't just blow up at her like that, and say things you probably will regret, and then come back later and say "Oh, sorry, I just couldn't control my anger". You have scared the crap out of her. Same old DC, minus the alcohol.
What are your goals, now that this has happened? Have you thought about what next? You said you read dday101798's thread? Well, he had a lot to forgive, and work through, and he got angry, he got frustrated, but he kept his head. How did you read it so fast, anyway?? It took me a few days of off and on reading to finish it, and now I am going through the piecing thread. And, I will say, it has been the most inspirational thread I have ever read here. Next to MotherMovingOn, of course, a woman I greatly admire, although there was no R for her and her JA H.
You need to get control of yourself, and get some therapy to help see why you get these rage outbursts. I know you have AA, but they don't address what you need to address. There is something deeper to work on. If for nothing else, for those two kids, who don't need to see and hear this kind of mess.
Have you read any of the DB or DR books? If you have then you will see what MrBond was talking about; the om just being a bandaid for your W right now.
Stop thinking about what SHE is doing, and concentrate on fixing you. She is on a journey she feels she has to make. If you allow her to make it, and fix that which she left behind, she may look back, and see if what she left is what she wants.
