Thanks for posting. I see parallels in our situations. These MLCers certainly take a long time to marinate, don't they?
Yes, I have felt like throwing in the towel, beginning about 2 years post-bomb but I kept thinking that X-MIL's passing might move XH forward in the tunnel. This summer when XH said as an aside (during our heated discussion) "We both made mistakes" I just wanted to scream "That's it? You finally admitted to yourself that you played a role in this but you weren't planning to acknowledge it to me?" It ticked me off and I pushed XH farther away by engaging him in that heated discussion. I was the person who drove that discussion........Right now I feel that by detaching as much as I have, that I have essentially thrown in the towel..........I am focusing on my life and trying to heal. If Mr. Wonderful came along tomorrow I would gladly spend time with him.
If XH took steps to address his mental health issues, accepted responsibility for his part of what happened between us, and really wanted to explore a romantic R with me I would explore that with him. I am not waiting for him to turn around, but honestly, he is a good man down deep. I have dated a lot in the past and have a lot of male work colleagues and male patients. If XH ever sorts out his baggage he will be a really good guy.
I am not attracted to the depressed XH. There were times this summer when I could barely stand to be around him because I see him as being clueless about unhealthy influences in his life and not willing to get healthy.........but, I will say that we still have fun and laughs when we're together. I think it says a lot that we can do that after everything that has happened with us..........and 2 weeks ago when we were sitting in an outdoor cafe on a warm evening under the full moon I felt myself still attracted to him............I guess that says a lot too.
I agree with you that I don't feel love from XH. My interactions with him actually remind me of our first few dates years ago. XH was kind of depressed then too and spent a lot of time complaining about his business partner. He kept a poker face throughout those dates until he went to kiss me goodnight the first time. That kiss lasted an hour and his walls disappeared completely after that..........until about 6 months before the bomb. I think XH has always had some depression and used serial monogamy and activities to self-medicate. If he has surgery it could seriously affect his ability to use that coping strategy in the future.
Yes, I am living my life as if XH is never coming back. I don't want to become best friends with XH again outside of a committed romantic R.
