Welcome to the community. I'm sorry that you need to be here, but given that you do, I'm glad you came. I can't tell you what the support I have received from the others here has meant to me. I hope we will be of benefit to you as well.
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is not fair for you and the boys. But judging the fairness of the situation is not, I guess, going to make anything better for you. You know that, it is why you are here, and why you are in therapy.
Have you read DB or DR (DR is the later, "revised" version, so it is to be recommended over the other)? By all means, pick up a copy if you have not done so. It is HOPEFUL, which, right now, I think you might find very refreshing.
I am not a "seasoned" DBer, so I will give you the best that I have, with the caveat that there are others here who may give you better advice. Also, if you have already read MWD's book(s), most of this may be review for you.
A lot of the things you described above were really classic patterns that MWD goes over in her books. Example: H pulls away, you nag at him to re-engage with the family, he feels pressured, so he pulls away further, you nag more...I don't have to explain it to you, you have been living it. What you should know, however, is that this is not unique to you - it is a known pattern that many couples have gone through. And because it has been seen before, strategies have been developed to address it. Likewise the dynamic with one parent defending the children while the other is losing his/her temper at same child. It's old hat. There are ways to deal with that. It can be changed.
But you need some help with your current situation. Since you have been lurking around here, you may have heard people mentioning LRT, the Last Resort Technique. Sounds like your IC is on board with this also, as you are focused on GAL and a lot of 180s. Good. Given what you say about your situation, that is where the bulk of your effort should be focused right now.
I'm going to guess you are already aware that the pursuing, begging, reasoning, crying, etc. were not helping you, and you have stopped these. Good start.
Your GAL efforts are extremely important at this time. Why? Because if you seem to H right now as though you need him, then he will see guilt and obligation as the primary reasons for him to stay with you. No matter how attractive or kind or supportive you may be, however wonderful a partner you may be (and I don't doubt that you are), guilt and obligation will overshadow all this. And that will make staying with you seem like something he is trapped into. You want him to see you as someone he wants to stay with. So, as much as possible, you need to look as if you don't need him. And the only way to do this is to meet as many of your own needs as possible, independent of him. IOW, the only way to look as though you can do without him, is to start doing without him.
And I think that part of this, as overwhelming as it may be for you at this time, will probably be to start finding ways to meet your financial needs independently. The fact that he is your sole source of support is likely a HUGE factor that makes this situation feel like a trap. Now that he is thinking he wants to go, he realizes that being the breadwinner in a single income family is no longer a choice, no longer something he has control over. He is now obligated. Which makes him feel restricted, which makes him want to leave even more. I am not suggesting that you let him off the hook - after all, the single-income, SAHM thing is probably something you two decided on together, and he needs to take responsibility for what he has committed to. However, by trying to meet as many of your own needs as possible (without doing it as a gesture of support to him, but rather as a show of taking care of yourself), you will be showing him that you are not trying to trap him, and that, in the long run, though you would rather be with him, you would be OK without him.
And you will. If it comes to that. With or without him, you will be OK.
All of this GALing has 2 purposes. One is because a person who is independent and lively and capable and strong is attractive. That is the kind of person your H would, undoubtedly, love to be in love with. I'll bet it is the kind of person he fell in love with in the first place.
The other purpose is because H could still leave. He is an independent person with his own will and his own choices. Which means you could DB in champion style, and he could still choose to leave. And if that happens, you will need to be strong, able and healthy. You will need to be able to not only stand on your own, but laugh, live and have purpose in your life, even without him.
You have to build a life you love, whether he is with you or not. In this time of your life, you need to have some joy, and until things change he is not going to give it to you, so you have to give it to yourself. You need some good in your life now. Independent of what his decision is. Then, if he leaves, you will have that life for yourself, because no one else is going to build it for you. If he stays, being the person who loves your life will make you the kind of person he can love.
But first and foremost is becoming the kind of person YOU can love. None of the changes you make will stick unless you want those changes. So become the best Ellay you can be. Be smart, full of life, interesting and fun! Be gentle and playful, but firm and honest with your kids. Be the person who can decide what you want and make it happen. As is so often said here, be the kind of woman that only an idiot would walk away from!
As for calling the L and finding out, realistically, what H's responsibilities are if he chooses D...I think it was a good move. It might be something of a wake-up call for him to realize that he can't just create all those responsiblities (2 kids, a wife whom he agreed to support so she could stay home with them), and just leave and start over 3 months later with no strings attached. If he decides on D, he will become aware that it will only make his life more complicated -and expensive.
Then, when he sees an independent, funny, lively and wonderful woman waiting for him if he chooses to take a much simpler choice - well, it should make the choice pretty clear for him.
Hang on, and keep GALing. We're all here for you.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
