I had been journaling on a blog. Thought I would add put some of my entries on here.
September 4, 2011
Stop Pursuit
Everything I've read says that at this point, if I want him back, I have to stop pursuing him. As hard as it is, that's what I'm doing. Last night, I told him that as much as I don't understand how he can throw us away without even trying to make it work, I just want him to be happy. That's the honest truth.
I have come to the realization that I can do this. I don't want to, but I will survive. I'm not done fighting. Oh no. I'm not done fighting. But I am prepared for the possibility that it really is over.
The best way to win him back is to make him miss me; make him question why he left in the first place. So that's my plan. J is coming by today, to visit with the boys and allow me some alone time out of the house. When he comes over, I will look good, I will look happy, and I will look composed. He cannot see my sadness. He cannot see my pain. The house will be in order. The boys will be dressed. Maybe it'll make him think. If it doesn't, I've realized that it's his loss. Whether he comes back or not, I am working on me. I am bettering me.
I will stop pursuit.
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
I should have seen it coming.
I was so proud of myself. I was cool, calm, collected, and confident. It was hard at first, but when he responded in a good way, it was easy to reciprocate. It came together naturally. Sadly, though, that ended when I showed the slightest bit of vulnerability. After finally getting around to having "the talk"with M, I explained to J that I wasn't sure how long I could wait around and that I wasn't sure how I would accept it, if he decided this was just a phase. He assured me that it is not a phase. I noticed he was still wearing his ring, but didn't say anything right away. I called him later, to ask why he was still wearing it. He said he just hasn't taken it off yet, and reminded me that he's done.
The talk with M went well. I'm sure more questions will pop up as we move along, but for now, he is coping well.
J's sister agrees that he is not the same person. I think she is as floored by this whole thing as I am. She took it upon herself to call and try to talk some sense into him. Or at least try to figure out his side. She said some things that she knew would strike a nerve, in the hopes that he would really start thinking about his decision to abandon us. He hung up on her. He posted an update on facebook, talking about how he is now the outcast of the family, and that they are ashamed and embarrassed of him. I hate that he's hurting, but I hope like hell that this will cause something to awaken inside of him. He's better than this. WE'RE better than this.
He is planning to come over on Tuesday so we can compare our lists of expectations of one another (we plan to get that notarized). He will be having dinner with us that evening. I think anyway. I don't know if the recent conversation with his sister has made him change his mind. All I know, is that I am not done. I don't know how long I can keep fighting for something/someone that may or may not be a lost cause, but for now, I am still here. I will be fighting for the both of us, since he doesn't quite know how to do that at the moment.
Believe None of What You Hear
Every time I hear a crotch rocket, for a split second, I think it's you coming home.
And leftovers after dinner suck.
September 5, 2011
Just Stop
Giving J's sister the go ahead to contact him was the biggest mistake ever. He is now so closed off, so angry. I fear that has officially been pushed him over the edge. There is just no turning back for him. Sometimes, when I ask him a question, I can feel that he's searching inside of himself for the right answer. But something clicks and instead of being honest, he becomes angry. Where all this anger is coming from, I don't know. Guilt? Maybe. All I know is that if I have any chance at all of fixing this, everyone needs to just leave him alone. No more pressure on J. It will make him crack. That's the last thing we need. I will not give in to my feelings and emotions again. I will leave him to play everything out on his own. In the mean time, I am fixing myself. For now, I am just done.
It's Not Over
Oh how I love irony.
Several years ago, J picked out and bought me the perfect coffee mug. I cherished that mug. One day, I dropped it and the handle broke off. I super glued it back together, but knew that if I wanted to keep it intact, I would no longer be able to use it for my coffee. I used it as a pen holder on the counter.
A couple of months ago, J wrote me a little note and left it on the counter. It said
L, I love you! You are and always have been the love of my life! See you in a little while.
Love, -Me-
Short, but sweet. I put it inside the coffee mug so that I would see it each time I reached for a pen.
Tonight, I bumped the mug off the counter. It shattered to the ground. Completely irreparable. Alongside the broken pieces, lay that note. How's that for a little irony. Then, to top it all off, I managed to cut myself while cleaning it up. All I could do was laugh at the situation.
Tomorrow! I am so looking forward to tomorrow. I have my therapy session in the morning. After that, it's off to get M from school. My lovely neighbor, A, said she would come by and bring me some lunch and talk. I love her. I can't let her stay too long though. J confirmed that he is coming over tomorrow and he will be staying for dinner! He said he would stick around until the boys are in bed. That should give me plenty of time for a bit of a do-over and to get the stupid list done. Plus, he'll get to tuck M into bed. That boy needs his daddy.
I will be cooking fried pork chops. That's something we both enjoy, but I made sure not to choose any of his most favorite meals. It had to be something that takes a bit of effort, but not over the top. I think I am making the right choice. I spent the evening tidying up the house. Luckily, D seems to be sleeping decently tonight (knock on wood). I even cleared off the mess of a dining room table, in the hopes that we can have dinner as a (dysfunctional) family, rather than nom out in front of the TV.
The best part? I have zero expectations. I feel good about this. I can do this. I will do this.
September 10, 2011
What I Wish I Could Ask You Right Now
A few months ago, I was going through a hard time, feeling like you didn't love me. Recently, you said you haven't loved me for quite some time. I want to know WHY you hugged me so tightly that night, reassuring me that you love me with all your heart and that you always will. Why? Just when I think I am starting to do better, my feelings flood over me. Poor M says my crying is getting annoying. I just want you to come home. Come home, Baby! We can do this!
180 is Tough Stuff
The theory behind doing a "180" is that if you begin to do the exact opposite of what your initial reaction is, you can maybe bring him/her back to you. The key is to stop them from thinking any negative thoughts about you, in the hopes that they can conjure up other feelings at some point.
Today, I resisted calling to tell J how funny I think it was that the boys and I found ourselves in a gay church today. I would have loved to have shared that with him, but I'm glad I didn't. Maybe it'll give me a way to break the ice tomorrow when he comes to see the boys.
Late last night, J posted "Dead Memories" by Slipknot to his facebook. Biggest slap in the face. It was like he was trying to hurt me. I nearly asked him if that was his intentions. I even went as far as to ask him if I could ask him a question. When he told me, "sure," I told him nevermind. Very proud of myself for that one.
I just hope he comes back around one day, before it's too late.
The Notebook
Just watched The Notebook. Man, I love that movie. Funny to see all the similarities between their trials and ours. What Noah said to Allie when he was trying to convince her to stay with him, I wish I could yell in J's face.
"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once. I think I can lose you again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out."
September 12, 2011
Another Dinner
He's coming over tonight after work. He said he wants to stick around and eat with us. Right now, my plans are to keep putting on a front that I have my [censored] together. Fake it till ya make it. One day soon, I really will have my [censored] together. For now, he doesn't need to know that I spend much of my days pining away. It's good that I have the boys. They bring so much joy to my life and help keep me focused. I am at the point where I know I must keep living. It may be with him; it may be without him. I am not certain there. What I am certain of is that I will eventually be okay. I am valuable. I am strong. If he doesn't realize that (or realizes it when it's too late), well that's just his loss.
Don't Mean Much
Tonight's visit was a repeat of last week's dinner. Perfection. It always makes me so sad to see how beautiful our life together could be, but isn't at the moment.
He told me tonight that he is following my lead and will be attending church. I've never been the praying type, but I am praying like a mad-woman that he actually follows through and is floored by the sermon.
September 14, 2011
Purging
I haven't been sleeping in my bed lately because there's too much "J" in that room. This morning. I decided to purge. Anything of his or anything that reminds me of him is being placed out of my view. While I was putting pictures away in a drawer, I came across a little piece of paper where I first jotted down his phone numbers. It's funny that I have held onto that small piece of paper all these years. And do you know what? Seeing that didn't make me sad! Yes, it made me miss him a little more, but I actually smiled at the rush of good memories of our very first encounters. I know that right now, we are not where I thought we would be, but it's okay. We have shared a good life together up until now. It makes me realize that the last nearly 10 years were not in vain.
The Truth
The truth is that I am growing. I can feel it. I don't know what the outcome of all this will be, but I feel an odd sense of peace washing over me. I started out doing everything that I am doing to try to "win" J back, but somehow that has taken a bit of a backseat to my own personal endeavor. I am in the process of doing a major internal makeover. Yes, I love J with all my heart and I do hope that he will come back to me one day. However, I now feel that everything that I am doing is for the right reasons. I had lost myself. Maybe that was part of what pushed J away or maybe it was a result of J emotionally detatching himself from me. Who knows which came first? Nobody. All I can do at this point is continue to develop myself in preparation for what's to come; whatever it may be. Regardless of the outcome, I have a long road ahead of me. I have to be ready for what lies ahead.
In the mean time, I am working on detatching myself from him. Well, not really trying. It seems to be coming naturally. It's a necessary step. I am ridding myself of the little reminders of our past life together. I am setting boundaries with him. And you know... it actually feels good to regain some control in my life. I know that if I continue this climb to better self-awareness, I will be a better person because of it. A stronger person. If J decides to come back, I will be better able to do what is necessary to make our marriage work. If he doesn't then I will be better able to do what is necessary to take care of myself and my kids.
I feel like I am rambling on. I just have a little bounce in my step today. For the first time in a very long time, I can honestly say that I feel good about myself!
