Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

[Queen_of_Swords]

Rambling-Journalling-Purging

Had a meeting yesterday with STBX. We took a long drive...he drove as that lessens his tension and give him a channel for nervous energy.

I got more specific with my questions.

I asked STBX him if he expected me to remain celibate and not meet with other individuals, his answer: I don't know, it's been two years, and I can't give you what you want and need.
Asked if he wanted to attempt to reconcile STBX's answer: No.
Asked how he feels about anything: Numb. The only people he feels anything for/about are our kids. He said that doesn't feel much of anything even for his own mother.

( MEGA OUCH! Rejected again! Do I ever feel like a pair of battered, soiled, holey soled running shoes. I am still stinging from that this morning. )

He also said the only time he has any sense of peace is when he's reading or watching TV. He walks around with a constant sensation of tightness in his belly and chest.
He said he has to stop being a people-pleaser.
He knows he can't set boundaries that aren't made of Jell-o and that makes him feel weak, ineffective and easy to take advantage of.
He says he doesn't know who he is, and he's scared to death to find out.
He's not sure he's going to like who he is if he does find out and if he makes changes.

I asked him if he wanted me to move forward with divorce.
Again he said, he didn't know, but that he felt (?) I'd been dragged through enough hell, and that he knew I was tired of being in limbo.

I found that a strange comment in light of what he said earlier about feeling nothing for anyone but our kids and in light of certain considerate actions in regard to me in he last couple of months.

I remarked that after seeing my lawyer I knew it would financially devastate us both, him the most, and perhaps there was a third path to take. He asked me what that was.

I said that no binding decisions had to be made right now. If he needed time I was willing to give him that time, and I asked him how much time he needed? He said he didn't know.

(Ugh! if I hear those three words " I don't know", again I think I'll vomit or throw something breakable!)

I said that considering he's chosen action in doing the program that I have and am doing, that I could wait a month...or up to three months, and reevaluate then, if he wished.

He seemed a little less anxious and relieved after I said that, and said that was a good idea.

From what I observed yesterday STBX is so lost and cut off from his own feelings it's frightening. He feels physical sensations but cannot connect them to his emotional state. He's going through the motions of living, but not living.
I had no idea of how disconnected he really was/is; not just from me, but from himself.

I feel so badly for him and for my kids and for myself.
None of us is getting what we need or deserve.

I don't understand it. We can talk reasonably as adults with no histrionics on either side, and yet there is void between us that can't be bridged it seems.

Am I crazy? Do I invest in this man who has the potential to hurt me all over again? Do I gamble on him/us, or do I walk away because the stakes are too high and the pain too great?

Part of me says: No guts, no glory.
Part of me says: Cut your losses, move on, let go, wipe the slate clean, the past is dust, forget.