From what I have gathered in reading and from others is that our S's believe they are done when they walk out the door. It's what allows them to justify being involved with op, take up or intensify other irresponsible behaviors.
The MLCer often reverts back to a time before they ever knew us or children arrived. It's what allows them to function as if we didn't exist. When we refer to them acting like teenagers that's exactly where they are, doing a do over. Those who are more closely involved with the MLCer often even report seeing even a younger child version of their S emerge at times.
According to research the MLCer goes back to a traumatic time that occurred either in their childhood or teen years where they either didn't have the tools to cope properly or weren't given the guidance for whatever reason to navigate through that what sometimes amounted to years of trauma.
Does all this matter? Only when you're trying to understand the dynamics of MLC. It doesn't change what you have to do to protect yourself or your children or working on yourself. We all have a part in the downfalls of our Ms.
One of the most important things to understand is that MLC takes time. We're usually talking in terms of years, not months. It's a matter of can the LBS outlast their S's MLC or do they even want to try because there are no guarantees? It takes a MLCer a long time to fully integrate their parts back into one. Many times when the MLCer looks back toward the LBS, they have moved on.
By doing the work on you and by becoming your best self it prepares you for whatever eventuality happens. Whether you decide to stick it out and wait for the MLCer, or get into another R or even go it alone. The LBS has choices also.
The gift in all this if you choose to look at it this way, is time. Time to work on yourself, time to figure out that you really can manage on your own, time to forgive yourself and your MLCer. Life is short and why make it miserable for yourself by carrying around bitterness and anger. Happiness comes from within, not from an external source, and it's up to you to find yours.
Make no mistake though that if your MLCer decided to come back and you let them, it will be a new M having to be built from the ground up. You both will be different people in many ways.
