It started when a small package arrived on the door step for H. He thought it was his books he ordered for school. He was busy and told me to make sure that was what it was. There was only a P.O. Box for a return but I figured, I'm not gonna open this because he's all about his privacy and I left it on the table.
He came in and opened it later when I was sitting there peeling veggies, and inside of it was a note from OW , the music cds he made and a going away card he had given her. He looked at everything, crumpled up the note and threw it and told me, "see I told you nothing is going on" and walked out. I wanted sooo bad to grab the note and read it but I left it right where he threw it and I got up and left for awhile, went to visit my neighbor.
I came home later on and he was visibly upset, and looked like he'd been crying. I asked him if he was OK and he said yes, then said something about being in love, and how he felt like an idiot and he got in the car and left.
When he came back he didn't look well. I made some supper and offered him food. He went and got he letter where he threw it and asked me if I had seen it and I said no. He wanted me to read it. I have no idea why but he asked me to. I told him I didn't think I wanted to read it and that it was his personal business. So he read it out loud and it said something about how she wanted him to leave her alone, she never wanted more than friendship and that he was apparently on another page than she was. Can't remember the rest of it. I was shaking when he read it.
When he was done he looked at me and said "now you can be happy, no one wants me".
He was quiet the rest of the night, but came over to hug me before bed telling me he loved me.
Today he was about the same, quiet, very sad... it almost reminded me of watching a teenager go through a break up.
Later on today he said "I've been really stupid. But I still feel like I want to be free." and I sat and listened without saying anything. And then he admitted that he's been feeling so depressed that he feels this depression is part of what is propelling him away from me.
I was afraid to say anything, for saying the wrong thing but I did ask if he wanted to go talk to the dr and he snapped a little and said he wasn't going to take drugs, just wanted to talk to the counselor. And then he told me he was still in love with me, and had feelings....and there was a slight attraction to me. (Despite telling me for weeks now that there was zero attraction and that he wasn't in love) I was kind of surprised to hear him say "maybe other men go through this at some point?" I nodded, but I did not bring up MLC stuff. I think he's got to find that out on his own, right?
I can sit there and see the wheels turning in his mind, and how much pain he is in. I want to rescue him and make it stop. And now since OW's package came, he seems to have sunk further. It worries me.
The only thing I can do is step back... and watch him fall. I seriously hate this.
But as of today he has said he feels committed to mc and working out what it is he is going through. He is very aware there are huge changes happening to him, but he doesn't know what it's from and what to do.
