My little one isn't a newborn anymore. She's 4 months old. I can't believe she's no longer a newborn. I can't believe I've been doing this sh!t for almost 7 months... really for longer than that if you count the ridiculous behavior prior to the bomb.
To address a few things from the previous thread: 1) In ways, yes I am angry, but I think a lot of them can be dealt with in MC. Thus far, the complaints I've brought to the table in IC sessions over the past 7 months are not met with counterarguments about how they are illogical or faulty. I think if I had encountered an IC who could offer me a new lease on this and provide me with some tools that I could use to make me happier, then I would go. But honestly, the ICs I've been to do not understand how/why I put up with the crap I've been dealt and his ridiculous behavior. At this point in the game, there's been little IC has offered me that I don't already know. The forum and other psych educated friends really provide the different perspectives I would be searching for in IC. As far as the tools most people get out of IC, I feel like I've got them. I did go to school for it after all.... But like I said this leads me to... 2) My growing ambivalence with the situation. I can completely see 25's point in the "hm, I'm kinda really happy for the first time in a while" perspective. As I told H a while back, he is not the more convenient option. Living with sister is. Dealing with his emotional baggage is exhausting. Not to mention picking up after another human being is another job. At my dad's I only have to pick up after myself and my D. At the house, I add H to that mess (something I intend to address in MC). At Dad's I don't have to worry about when someone is going to be home. They are responsible and consistent. And if they're going to be gone later, they notify me. They don't hound me if I leave them with D for a little while to run an errand. H literally is like a second child at this point in time. I've got enough on my plate with a real infant. 3) Having said that, there are things about my H that I realize I still love very dearly. And the way he does interact with D when they are together is so attractive to me. Seeing him with her makes me deeply in love with him during those times. 4) And yes, to be clear, we did sleep together. Partly I did it because I thought I would be nicer to him if that itch was scratched (and yes, I felt much nicer after that...), and the other part was to see if I could mentally get into that game again. For women, sex is a very mental thing (not just personally speaking, but this is from teaching human sexuality in undergrad). I needed to know if I could get over that hump (no pun intended). And it did bring to light more of H's illogical thoughts. About half the time he kept saying, "but you're a mom... but you're a mom..." to which I would say "yeah, but I'm not YOUR mom". Made me think back to when he said "I don't know how to treat you when you're pregnant". It's like he thinks having the baby made me into this totally different person whom he does not know.
This week was f-ing rough. Not in the R, but just on the job. I had one kid send another to the ER, and I was bit, scratched and bruised from pinching. D's 4 month appointment went well (80% in weight, 90% in height) although she was a little crabby for about 24 hours after the immunizations.
Thursday afternoon the MC called saying we had to reschedule. So we're booked for Monday night at 7:15 now. H took me out to a really nice dinner after D's check up. I felt terrible (when I stress really bad I get migraines), and felt I wasn't very good company at dinner, but he didn't seem to mind. He even offered to buy me a tank of gas when he needed to fill up that night too. That evening, after D went to bed, we watched TV and I tried to get rid of my migraine. I turned in early, a little before 9, and he had fallen asleep on the couch (he drank his alcohol beverage and mine bc I was too sick). I tried to get him to come to bed with me but he shook his head and mumbled "I want to stay here". So I went to bed alone.
I hated it. It reminded me of all those nights I spent alone in the bed, enormously pregnant, wondering where the hell he was. Luckily I was so exhausted I fell asleep quickly. To my surprise, he came in the bedroom at about midnight
H: Hey, why didn't you wake me up? M: Huh? H: You left me on the couch. M: I tried to get you to come to bed. H: You did? M: Yeah, I asked if you wanted to come to bed and you shook your head saying you wanted to stay. H: Oh. Well I want to come to bed. M: Ok.
And so he snuggled up to me and we both fell asleep again. Friday mid-morning he texted me wanting to know what my plans were for Saturday. I told him. He then came up with this total BS excuse to say that he wanted me to spend the night at the house again instead of going to my dad's. He said, "well, I think it would save you gas and time if you just come here and then do all your stuff on Saturday instead of going back to your dad's". He showed me the numbers and somehow calculated that it would be 30 less miles for me to go to the house. I could tell immediately he miscalculated it. When I looked it up on Google, it was 3 miles less.
Whatever.
So I just outright ask him "Do you want us to come back tonight?" H: It's whatever. Might just been good for D not to be in the car so long.
Here's the ambivalence for me. I understand why he doesn't want to come out and just say "please come home". I really do. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. I want to hear it. At that moment I just wanted to say, "no thanks, I'll just go to Dad's". But I went ahead and drove to the house instead.
I'm just tired of being the strong one. I'm tired of making the decisions. And the thing of it is, I've always been the one who wears the pants. He may make more dough, but I'm the one who steers the ship. I really think a huge reason this all came to a head during the pregnancy is that it put me in a position of fragility and vulnerability that he is just not comfortable with. I view myself as a strong, fairly independent woman, and I think seeing me in any other state for H is very scary. When I had to have my gallbladder taken out last year, he did everything in his power to try to convince me not to have the surgery. Even when I pulled all the medical journal articles I could find saying it was perfectly safe and I would feel much better, he was freaked out.
On second thought, being the strong one isn't what bothers me. It's that he will not voice that. He will not be honest about his fears. He will not be open with HIS vulnerability. I feel like he doesn't want to admit how well things are going.
Now when we're at the house together, he constantly touches me (not that I'm complaining about that). Little things like leaning on me on the couch, or putting his legs over mine in bed. He's not sexually engaging me, but he wants to be physically near me all the time.
He texts/calls me several times a day. He makes jokes and sends me links to websites. He doesn't just ask about D when he contacts me.
And yet, he doesn't want to make any firm plans about what we're doing with future things like where the hell I'm going to live in 3 months.
Ugh, I'm just irritated with it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased about the progress we've made, but like you guys have said, my pace is just different than his.
