Another crisis.....but H opening up now

[angel61]

So frustrated with myself.

I spent the whole morning thinking praying, talking to myself. Admitting to myself that what I am doing, what influences my decisions, what I have done in the past, is all about myself. I have been through this before and know that I am able to let the resentment go away and acknowledge my mistakes. When those times happen, I feel a great weight lift off me, and I actually do feel happy and hopeful. But once in a while something happens, and Ilose it and everything comes flooding back to me. Thus I know that I have not really let go of the resentment but have just hidden it somwhere.

Anyway, what I was thinking of this morning was how my H said that in the past I have been so domineering about major decisions, pointing out that one time I wanted to make an offer on a house and I just had the broker prepare everything, and when he arrived I just shoved the papers under his nose and demanded he sign it. I had actually forgotten that incident (it was just so much part of how I was) but now I cringe when I think of that incident, and some others as well. I still have not admitted it openlyto H though, still defending myself by saying I had no intentions of being domineering. Duh.

On the other hand, H is also very controlling, obviously so, in almost every aspect of daily life. I don't know if he is reacting to my being domineering that he has to try to pull his weight as well.

Anyway, back to my source of frustration: H and I have decided that since D12 is not only hvaing problems with her friends but also is not being challenged academically, we might as well look for a school for her. Our choices are either public (not good in our area), Catholic (in next city, very similar to ours), or a high end private school (very expensive though, but good reputation). Last Friday we checked out the private school and it was fantastic! D12 was so excited. I felt that although it would be a stretch, if we did judiciously apportioned our expenses we could do it. Remember, one of the changes H has had since MLC started is that he now has an expensive taste in clothing.

I emailed H as he is out of town about it. In my mind, I already said to myself that I was not going to try to influence him to make a decision.

He called midday, and I started out with telling him how well D12 did in the interview, and how nice the school was. Somehow, as we talked, I forgot all about my resolve and found myself trying to convince him that we should enrol our daughter in the school, and even using examples of how our friends coped financially when he seemed to hesitate. I could not seem to stop talking, even when I knew that I was getting in too deep. I got off the phone feeling so frustrated with myself, and thinking about how controlling and dominant I sounded. I then started to think of how I did not want to be like that. I ended up emailing him, telling him that I knew I was carried away by my excitement and that I wanted him, when he came back, to see for himslef and make is own decision regarding the school, and not be influenced by my enthusiasm.

This is an example of the daily battles I have to do with myself. Sometimes I wish I could just stop talking entirely as I seem to be digging myself a bigger and bigger hole everytime I do.

And of course its not just about me and H. If i don't learn this, I stand to ruin every relationship I have. I did have one previous relationship, looking back now, that failed because of my dominance. He was my BF before my H.

But again, those of you who have successfully turned your lives around: How did you do it? How long did it take? How did you change even just one aspect of your behaviour that has been ingrained in your psyche since you were born, just because you realize that it is not the right thing? How could you stop from letting yourself slide down the old familiar ways? What kind of vigilance is required for this?