Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Sat 9/17
Journaling again...

Called H in the AM to see if he would take the kids today or tomorrow. (As usual, he didn't confirm any plans with me for this weekend. It's really my fault for not setting limits and finalizing a visitation schedule with him...)
He called back after 2 hrs. to say he could take the kids today and they could spend the night with him. Note - he had NEVER offered to have them spend the night at his place, so I asked him if OW would be there. He hesitated and said yes.

It took everything in me not to lose it. I told him firmly but w/o raising my voice that I didn't want the kids to spend the night if OW would be there. He was truly surprised - he didn't think there was anything wrong with it and it was a matter of time before the kids would need to interact with her.

I asked him what he had planned on telling our Ds re. OW. (specially our almost 4-yr old D). He said he had not thought about it, but would. I told him that more the reason not to have them meet today, since he had not really given it much thought.

He didn't like the idea but agreed. When he arrived to pick them up I brought up the subject again and told him I wanted to make sure he understood I was not mad, but wanted to express my concerns to him:
1) too soon in the R to introduce them - I am concerned that kids will get attached to OW
2) how would H explain it? I was concerned that he would tackle this unilaterally. I told him that I thought we should agree on what the storyline would be to the girls so that we would both be consistent on what we told them and co-parent appropriately.

I asked why he didn't want to wait longer before exposing the kids to OW. He said he wanted her to see him in his role as father. I asked then if it was for his own interests and not for the kids. He said that he wanted to have a R with OW where it was not just the two of them, but have OW see his whole life.
(again, about him, not kids...)

I asked if OW had introduced him to her daughters (10 and 6). He said no - it was different, they were older. I told him I didn't like the double-standard and that I thought he should be more concerned with protecting our Ds, since they were younger and it will be harder to try to explain and make sense of the situation with them.

He seemed to understand my POV. At the end he asked "when would you feel it would be appropriate to introduce them then?" I said I didn't know, but it would probably make more sense once
1) H and OW had an open R, where all the family and friends knew about R.
2) when they had a more stable R. (right now they don't even live in the same city...)
3) when OW's daughters met him

He got frustrated and replied "well, that's not fair. What if OW's husband does not want them to meet me?"
I just said "I don't know"
He then added "it's complicated"
Finally I asked him if either of them had plans to move so they could live in the same location. He said he was not moving to Oakland and that he didn't know if and when she could move here. He said that might take years. ???

It was definitely a tough conversation, but I think we needed to have it. Was I right in asking him not to expose our kids to his R????

I question my every move now. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

In terms of DB, once he took the kids I took a much-needed nap, went for a run, talked to our real estate agent about finances, went out for dinner and called a friend and invited her over for some wine and girl time once the kids went to bed.

She is on her way now, so I will check in later.

I wonder if my posts are visible to people - I don't seem to get any responses yet. thanks for any feedback or words of wisdom you can provide. I feel like EVERY day I get another curveball thrown my way...