Dang TM, that post almost brought tears to my eyes. It really hit home for me.
My W had another analogy a couple of months ago. She said the pains and the occasional insults over the years were like tiny needles. A single one was uncomfortable, but wasn't debilitation. Now she has 1000s of needles stuck in her body and now it hurts so bad her entire body hurts and cannot take anymore.
I have discovered over the summer that she was putting all of the blame on me and that I was accepting it, and I have been working really hard to fix "me". However, I am finally starting to realize that while I did make some mistakes, she was exaggerating them to a degree and that she shares in the blame. I still don't know yet if she realizes this or not.
She's said she's not happy with her life, but when I ask her questions about why, she cannot even come up with a reason why or what's causing. She even admitted once she's not even sure it's our marriage that makes her unhappy.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Well, it's official...My W, the OM and his mother are now one big happy household. He arrived yesterday.
SS24 stopped by my house for a visit last night - he's in town for the weekend. W never told him she moved, never told him about her living arrangements...he found out through his father or through comments his younger brother made about "Uncle R****" and "Aunt D****" coming to live with them.
SS24 is furious and disgusted with her, and wants nothing to do with her. He told me she made some comments about the OM during a lunch she and SS24 had back in January...2 months before any of this came to light with me. So she's been planning this all year.
I remember the morning of March 7 - D-Day - she pulled me to her, kissed me hard and said, "I love you so much." 5 hours later, after texting all morning with the OM, she told me she didn't love me, never really loved me and was in love with the OM.
I've spent the last 6 months watching my marriage gasp its last breaths. I tried to keep it alive; some things worked, but most did not. In the end, I don't think I ever really had a chance; her mind was made up long ago. The OM was an excuse for a way out.
Her crazy life can no longer concern me. I need to close that door and walk away.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Telemark, sorry about everything that is happening now, and I don't think I would use the word 'happy' to describe their household.
If this is an MLC (or similar) for your W, please know that it will take much longer than the six months since your bomb. It's truly up to you whether you want to wait and be patient, hoping against hope (which does sometimes happen). YOU have the power, you might not realize it yet, but you do!
You are right that you need to detach, detach, detach. Only then will you and your W have a chance for R. Again, this is up to you though. I just ask for your sake, no hasty decisions.
Hang in there!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
I was just surfing around on this forum - hey, it's Friday afternoon, you don't think I'm actually going to work on something productive, do you? - and found a great post by AloneAt35. This jumped out at me: "Truth is, two broken people can never fix each other."
My W and I were two broken people when we met each other. We screwed up our first marriages, thought we could "fix" each other, paid no attention to the mess we left behind us or the red flags waving in front of us and went skipping down the lane tra-la-la. After only two years we were in counseling. After only three sessions we decided we were fine.
We were not fine.
Last night, lying in bed, I thought about the last seven months, the last few years, the last ten years. What a mess we made of things.
Again.
But I think there is a difference this time. I have looked inside myself to find the garbage in there and to try to get rid of it. I have discovered traits and habits and behaviors and attitudes that have been almost horrifying to find. I have thought that if I was married to the old me, I'd leave me, too. It's been very sobering. And empowering. Because I've finally faced all of that crap and decided to do something about it.
Another member made a post earlier in this thread that was deleted...it was pretty harsh, but it also had truth in it. So I read his other posts. I cannot decide if he is really angry, really passionate, really sarcastic or just a troll. But he had one post that struck a nerve. To paraphrase:
We spend years hurting our spouses, whether we are aware of it or not. They spend years taking it, sometimes fighting back but most times not. This goes on until they can take no more, and that is when they announce, "Enough. Goodbye." Or find comfort in someone else. Or both. And we, the LBS's, get the wake-up call and suddenly begin to try to reverse everything. We do 180s, work on ourselves, make these big changes and then get upset when our spouses do not simply embrace the new, improved versions of us when we think they should. So we wave our new selves in front of them even harder and say, "See? See? I'm all better. you should be, too."
But they are not. Years of marital strife have made deep wounds, too deep to be healed with our band-aids. We wait for the healing to be complete. Some of us have the strength and patience to wait until the wounds are healed, but I think most of us do not. So we give up, or they run away from us as fast as they can.
Did they contribute to this? Most certainly yes; either by matching anger with anger or withdrawing so that we had no idea what was going on inside them. Neither way helped solve the problems.
I did not get my wake-up call in time to save my marriage. We could not fix ourselves, let alone each other. Two broken people. But the awareness of my own faults, and insecurities, and destructive behaviors allows me to heal my own wounds. I am learning how to fix me. It is a full-time job plus overtime, but eventually I hope I will be healed enough to enjoy my own company and perhaps share it with someone who doesn't need to fix or be fixed.
GREAT post Telemark.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I would much rather be you than her. Your future is really looking up. You're working on yourself. Her 3 ring circus is weaving nothing but a web of destruction. When it all implodes, what happens next will depend on where you are at the time and where she's willing to go. If she wants to continue down the path of destruction, I'd bet you're not going to be too interested.
What it's a pity, too, amidst this mess, is your SS21 will pay a mighty big price for this misadventure his Mom is on right now.
