time and distance

[any chance?]

Tele:
I need to move into the mental space you are in. I am very far from that right now.

I feel like I am dying inside right now, and I am only one month into the S. Granted, it was 2 years of turmoil prior to her departure, but now I feel worse than ever.

I am really, really struggling with deciding between keeping the faith, being patient, GAL, and all the other wonderful thoughts talked about here, and accepting the fact that W is just done with me, our M is over, and that she is glad to be finally free of her shackles. I thought, and she has said, that we had a wonderful life together. Yes, the M needed repair and modification, and I have moved very far in that direction. But I doubt I will ever get a chance to demonstrate that. Feeling like I am used and defective goods is really causing damage to my psyche.

How do you know when it is time to just throw in the towel?

[Telemark]

I'm not sure that I had a defining moment...when my W continued her EA after telling me she had stopped, that planted the seed, I suppose. Then she moved out after 5 months of "living together alone". That pushed me a little further toward thinking it was not going to survive. When I found out the OM was moving nearly across the country to move in with her, that did it for me.

I took a harsh, realistic look at our M. Neither of us trusted the other. Respect had gone out the window. Her assertion that she never really loved me had some merit, because I don't think she knows how to really love anyone, including herself. I tried to picture us together again, and all I really saw was a marriage of suspicion and convenience. It would be easy for both of us to slip back into our co-dependent destructive habits. And there always would be the thought that she would get into another EA or a PA, if not with the current OM, then with someone else.

Who wants to live like that?

I'm learning how to live in the moment. Have you read The Journey From Abandonment to Healing? It is a good read, although some of the practical exercises are a bit strange. It helped me understand why I was feeling rejected, or sad, or angry, or in a full-blown panic. And it encourages you to live in the moment, not to dwell on the past (it's over-can't do anything about it) or worry about the future (it's in the future and anything could happen-can't do anything about that, either).

AC, I know what you are feeling, and it can be paralyzing. But you have to try to think about anything other than your situation, because right now it is completely out of your control. No amount of worry or angst will change anything.

Be selfish. Do anything you want (that's legal). Get out of the house. You have to pump yourself up. I know it's hard, my friend. It takes an ungodly amount of mental energy and willpower to get up, get moving and not think about your W. I still think of my W almost constantly, but the longing I felt only a few days ago is slowly being replaced with acceptance, a little anger-and that's OK; it reminds us that this was not all our fault-and a tiny bit of optimism about the future. I'm not thinking about next year, next month or even next week...just taking one day at a time. It's a cliche, but it works.

You're a good man, AC. You deserve better, and it will come to you. I just read this:

"Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit."

I like that. I've started to look for little inspirational gems like this anywhere. It all helps.

[jbnati]

AC, yep, I've felt like a reject, too, so I know where you're coming from. Your W is in this emotional pit, and you have been more than willing to hold your hand out to help her get out of it. She has chosen a solution to her woes that IMO is not a good one.

Now is the opportunity to find YOU, to work on yourself, and ultimately become your best self.

I am glad your knee is feeling better and you're getting back to the gym. I know that's has to help.

Is there anything you can do to be around other people? I think that may help, too.

[gunny]

hello anychance,
Sorry to hear of your anguish. As you said in my post, your situation is very similar to mine. I have waves of depression/grief, which is normal, and some good hours/days. Right now I am at work and feeling particularly down. But that can change in a moment. We have to just keep hanging in there, everyone keeps telling me this will pass, and I know they are right.
Keep the faith, enjoy the gym!

[any chance?]

Update:
Yesterday was tough. I threw our annual backyard BBQ for 50 folks. Everyone we know was there. It was a good time, as always. Definately missed W. Friends are at the point they don't even ask about her any more. She has been gone 4.5 weeks, and everyone assumes she is never coming back. I am trying to get my mind wrapped around that idea, but I am not there yet.

It really hurts that she does not want to talk to me. I feel that I should not contact her. I needed to get a document from her last week and it took me 2 days to work up the nerve to send an email. Weird. One of my female friends tells me I should send her brief emails/texts just to let her know what I care about how she is doing. Not sure I should do that. Very bizarre that you can be with someone for 20 years and now feel like you should not contact her. Just wish I had any idea how she was doing or what she is thinking. This limbo is killing me.

I feel very hollow these days. Very alone. The time does not seem to be making it any better.

[2stepboogie]

So you made it through the first month. Now is when the pain really begins. Took me about 3 weeks for the shock to wear off, then came the pain. In massive tidal waves.

There aren't that many of us that can relate to a spouse moving clear across the country I think it carries with it a very unique pain.

Also a different kind of healing.

Now for the good news...

It is not infinite, it ends or at least in begins to, for me the process has begun but I'm honest enough to acknowledge I'm not there yet.

In everyday there is a positive.

In all the pain there is a lesson.

Words that today mean very little but some day hopefully make sense.

Perhaps you will do better than me.

[In_Shock]

what 2 step said. Definitely.

[any chance?]

W called and left a message last night. Don't even know if I should call her back. In internal turmoil over whether she really wants to talk to me or thinks she has to. If it is the latter, I don't just want to a checkout item on her list.

I wish I could just turn off my brain sometimes...

[Telemark]

Well...what was the message? Did she call just to say hello, or did she ask you to call her back?

[any chance?]

Just said she was calling to talk. Said she would call back sometime. Called the house phone, not the cell.

I feel like I am in Junior High trying to read a girls mind.

I will probably call her later today. Don't really feel like it right now.