I'm sorry for the nightmare you are going through. I do know this...you have kicked cancer's sorry butt not only once, but TWICE (WOW!!!), so you DO have the strength to DB!
Start by making a list of goals for yourself and for your relationship, and then brainstorm about what YOU can do to work toward attaining those goals. Every few days, take inventory of what you have done to get closer to your goals and what you have done to backslide. This will help keep you on track.
Also, you need to decide what your boundaries are and ENFORCE them. If it's not acceptable to share your H with ow, then tell him that and enforce it by only communicating with him regarding pressing issues, such as kids, bills. etc. (I'm not saying that's what you should do...everyone has their own boundaries, and many spouses are willing to "look the other way" when an op enters the picture). Decide what works for you and stick with it.
Additionally, start working on emotionally detaching. This one was the toughest for me. Being separated has helped a lot, as well as participating in activities I enjoy (GAL). I also read the book "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" along with DB/DR, of course, all which was helpful.
I second In Shock's suggestion of imagining a big, red STOP sign when your mind goes to dark places about H and ow. That "relationship" isn't worth your precious time or thoughts. The stop sign technique worked wonders for me, and I hope it helps you, too.
As I mentioned to you in my thread, there are many wise people here who can give you better advice than I can (for what NOT to do, read through my thread!), but I do believe the things I've listed above are all necessary for you to decide what your game plan is and get started on it.
Looking forward to reading soon how things are going! Take care of yourself and your kiddos! lc4
