Yesterday i sent MIL flowers. They were very cute , white carnations shaped like a dog with black spots for the eyes and nose surrounded by yellow and pink flowers in a basket. i know she likes cute things like that. last night h called on sons phone and then mil got on phone and thanked son for flowers and asked to talk to me. mil and i had a nice conversation for about 10 min. i asked her about her health and she asked how my dogs were. it was a nice conversation im glad i got to talk to her she sounded pretty strong. thanks for all your replies, and i will remember humility.
I'm glad you reached out. Wasn't so horribly nightmarish, was it?
Yay...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow, I had to wrack my brain to figure out how you got THAT message from my many posts to you...
I guess it's when you came up with yet another reason to do nothing in your sitch (which in itself would be fine-hey, YOUR choice--EXCEPT then you complain about your terrible, incapacitating fears of financial ruin-- and THAT makes it confusing for me to know how to help...)
I think You said you can't file b/c YOU might CAUSE your h a heart attack by doing so...
and I said I doubt he'd suffer anything physical for more than a few minutes, but if he did, it would not be about you so much as about finances.
The man hasn't seen you in how long? And you have not even spoken on the phone either, right? I assume that is for you to protect yourself, and I understand that.
but My guess is that it's not personal reasons keeping him from filing for divorce, OR personal reasons that he worries about.
I think It's money. At least mostly.
And we know you have fears about money matters as well. They sound like reasonable fears.
So, the only question really is whether you've been straight up with your lawyers and they with you.
If the situation really cannot be secured for you, financially, without filing for a divorce
(VC, I know you doubt that, and sometimes I do too. But let's just assume for the sake of discussion HERE, that it's true)
There's evidence that h is spending the marital assets.
So then you have to decide if you and son are worth the trouble of filing some papers, to have financial security and a home to live in.
(BTW, who says a divorce makes it impossible to reconcile? Who says limbo forever helps to reconcile, if it means doing nothing that works? I have two family members who divorced and actually remarried their spouses later on. (But it was years later.) So yes, that happens too.)
So, are you and your son worth the trouble of having financial security and a home to live in?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Rysmom, unfortunately, I think that 25yrs may be right, that your H has not filed because of financial reasons. I imagine ow has driven him nuts wanting him to file, so why would he not? He hasn't seen you for a long time. You almost never communicate with him by phone. What else is there to keep him from filing?
I am proud of you for taking the initiative and sending MIL flowers, and speaking with her on the phone. My H was really surprised and happy when I started talking and visiting IL's. He was suspicious at first, but after months and months, he saw it wasn't just to get him back. He did say I was "playing for the jury" once or twice at first.
I would not advise filing for D, because I would not have done it, but if you do live in New Jersey, they have alternatives to that, even if they do not have legal separation. Now, if my H had filed, I would have countersued him on the grounds of adultery.
Rysmom, I hope you are having a nice day. Do you have classes today?
I'm actually proud of you for reaching out to your MIL. See? it wasn't as bad as you IMAGINED it would be. Don't let your thoughts of what COULD happen stop you. Continue to do the right thing.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I read your last thread, and I'm wondering...have you and H ever discussed who would file for divorce or when that would be done, or have you both chosen to ignore the elephant in the room for the past few years?
I'm sorry for your troubles. You have many wise people who care about you and your son giving you advice. You were very kind to reach out to your MIL. That was a wonderful 180.
h was home 2 of the past 4 yrs. i have had him served twice but dismissed it cuz i couldnt go thru with it. H has never mentioned d. he left last time cuz i mentioned ow often and he didnt like me doing that i guess. he wouldnt call me after work and would go for lunch half mile away from ow house everyday. he wouldnt do anything to make me worry less and i didnt think that was right. the first yr he was back home was great , we spent a lot of time together and enjoyed each others company.
Hey, rysmom, I hope you are doing well this fine morning. I can understand your not wanting to go through with D, and dismissing it. It's not something I could have done, either. Since now we know that your filing is off the table, what can you move on to get done on your list? Ok, you sent MIL flowers, which sounded cute by the way. I imagine you were a bit nervous talking to MIL on the phone, but you did it. Good for you! Do you think you could speak on the phone with your H sometime? Just little baby steps to make you feel more confident.
Has your H been able to come through for you on finances since you said he was waiting for a check? Do you work, and will it support you and your S if you need it to?
How is your S enjoying senior year? My S graduated in May this year, and said he loved his senior year, except it was over way too fast.
h came over to bring son cold medicine he came in the house. we talked for about 10 min. his mother is in hospital again,. he told me to go look at a car at a car dealer, he arranged a good price for a used car for me, mine is getting old and things are breaking. he told me he is not on speaking terms with his sister i bet its because he is spending his mothers life savings and sister was suppose to get half. i still love him but his spending habits really bother me.
