The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journal: Just to get some things off my chest, I was reflecting.
Ex sent me an email yesterday accusing me of things. Something that used to bother me is, why if she wants to leave won't she go? I mean, why hang on at all? Bizarre to me.

-Ex did a lot of things to ensure the relationship was dead. I wondered if we got married too young once. I was told that she was going to go through the changes she is or has gone through regardless if we married at 20 or at 30. So it wouldn't have mattered. I accept that.
-I loved her deeply. I think she loved me too. But that's over now. She made sure to kill what she could. What I allowed her to kill of our relationship.
-She was leaving for years. My reaction to that wasn't something I'm proud of, but I do know I did the best I could with the information I had.
-She still accuses me of crazy and weird behavior. I accept that she will continue to do that for reasons I cannot even guess.
-She decided she had to be "a little bit selfish"; we differ on what the term "a little bit" means, but that too is irrelevant.
-She left saying it was "the best thing for her". I hope it was and continues to be.
-She felt like we would always be friends. Really? How's that work? I can't see that. Perhaps I'm not wired in a way that allows me to friends that lie to me and then have EA's or friends that are incredibly selfish and blame me for things...
-She created an image of me in her head. When the image didn't fit, she made things up to "help" the story. I watched in horror and some fascination while she did this many times.
-She told me she never loved me. She also told me that love wasn't enough.
-She told me I don't know her. That she is different.
-She still wants to "communicate" but is "only classy towards me" (i.e. abusive and angry).

-If things aren't the way she envisioned them, she is the only person in the room that's right. (queue the song, Little Miss Can't be Wrong?)
-I have tried to show compassion and as much understanding for somebody I don't know that actively pushes me away. I continue to do that when the occasion calls.
-I am not bitter(any longer). I am not unhappy that the monster is gone. What I have done and continue to do is fight for my kids and fight for perspective. I'm better at it now than I was before.
-I cherish the happy memories of what was.
-I realize I was lied to for a long time. This wasn't overnight. I was lied to by her, masterfully.
-I was lied to by myself for not confronting it.
I don't for a second think I had enough information to think otherwise, but I was noticing things that weren't right for a lot longer than the bomb.

I realize my daughter is in danger of taking on her mother's thoughts and feelings. I saw it in the email. Her mother didn't deal with them very well, but that's just my opinion. My daughter has to learn to make her own way. I took care of and raised her for much of her life and trust she will make good decisions as time goes on. (By "good" I mean good for her, not necessarily contacting me.) Especially when W checked out to be "a little bit selfish".

-W picked something other than our marriage and family. I accept that. I don't always like that choice, but I accept that.

-I do not accept that she feels we should be able to talk.
-I do not accept the anger and the lack of compassion on her part.
-I do not accept her opinion in most cases partly because I don't trust her; she ensured that would be the case with the poison she killed the marriage and our relationship with.
-I do apologize when I am wrong. I expect the same. I expect that a friendship is a two way street. Some people are unable to do that, and I may be one of those when it comes to Ex. Too much damage.
-I learned that backing away and detaching quickly is important both to the mental well being of all involved and also to the relationship if it is to make a comeback. But it takes two

I know I did what I could with the information I had available. I know I have grown far beyond that now. I know that sometimes God answers prayers in ways we can't understand but that His plan is perfect. We get asked to carry burdens that we don't understand. But we get asked to carry them and if we are His, we carry them and we are happy to do it. I am happy about doing it even though I cannot see why or how this gets worked to His glory. I know that it will regardless.

Not talking to her is painful sometimes. But it is less pain than talking to somebody I deeply cared for and realistically still do. I love her differently and at a safe distance to be sure, but I care that she is ok. That she is healthy both mentally and physically. That she has enough in her life. And honestly I'm saddened it will be with somebody else. But that too I accept.

This wasn't what I wanted. But it is what has happened and it is reality. To be honest, I struggled with the guilt of letting go. I don't any longer. There is and has been no choice. I accept that and I actively let her go because it is what she asked for and it is the reality of the situation.

I could do without the accusations and the manipulations. I could do with her just being cold and professional in the interactions and letting me go. This was her goal all along, except for the part where she seems to want to stay in touch or to tell me I'm wrong or mean or nasty or.... I know now we won't be old friends. I was told that a long time ago, but I know it for fact now. It won't be possible because I won't let her in for a very long time. By the time she may be past much of this, I won't be anywhere around her and I expect I'll have buried my feelings for her so deep that they'll never be found. Or they'll be dead from lack of care by then. She will, for all intents and purposes be a stranger on the street that is long gone. She will remind me of somebody I once loved and cared for very deeply, but somebody way back in my history.
-I once told her to give me a chance to know the "new" her after she told me I didn't know her. She refused. Vehemently really. I accept that and no longer want to know the new her. I do not want to spend that effort because I feel I have spent enough of my energy and time on her.
-I learned to not try and fix people. That was a good one to learn let me tell you! I tried to help her (look way back in my thread to see my three goals for reference) because I felt responsible for her well being. I took on that responsibility when I married her and we became one. We were very connected and very close for a very long time. But I am no longer responsibile for her well being. I gave her back...

In any case, mine is not to wonder why. Mine is to accept that which is and to let go that which causes me pain. That which is not enhancing to my life. That which is not necessary to my children.

I still make sure that my son is respectful of his mother. Of her time and feelings. He deserves that and so does she. She is the mother and I'm sure in her own way she loves the kids.

I would do the same with my daughter, but that's for a time in the future.

Then there's me. I realized I have not fully accepted everything. I am working on that. I have been clearing the decks so I could think and work on me. It's been working. I have made leaps and bounds in the past several weeks. I'm sure there's more.
I realize that I should not carry the torch for her. I tried. That was folly and time wasted. She wanted out and I didn't. I spent a lot of time and energy working on that. I have since shifted that time to me and the kids. I have also put more into my career. I have put more into my walk with God. I will continue those things. They bring me satisfaction and happiness. They bring me peace. They ignite the light within me.

I recognize that she will continue to be critical and will continue to try and have input. I do not know her goals in this, but I will continue to delete the emails and texts. we can talk business, but there will be very little of that until D goes to college.
I expect there to be a confrontational email about D. She does that now and will likely continue to send them in that tone. Email is difficult to convey tone, but in her case the words she chooses are usually inciteful and the tone and approach are likewise.

Acceptance and respect. Those are two things I do for me. I have no regrets. I have nothing I would do differently. Nothing. I did what I could with the information I had. With the tools I had. What I didn't do was to accept the reality completely. It has been a stone around my neck while I try to swim.

I know more now and I have more tools now. The next relationship is bound to be a great one, but it seems to be that I can wait. Wait for what? Glad you asked I'll wait until I have fully accepted and no longer feel the need to get stuff like this off my chest. My guess is that will take time. It will take time to finalize my acceptance. I know it took a long time to get here and was made more difficult by her trying to push and pull at the same time. I know how to deal with that now to enforce my boundaries. They keep getting tested and there are new ones sometimes, but I don't get worn out by them and lose sleep by them any longer. Sometimes I do have to get the thoughts off my chest, but friends are great for that too.

I'll be back from time to time to check on others and hopefully share at least what I've learned. But as I close the book on my history with W, and while I wish her well, I need time for me to focus on that wonderment that I feel towards life. I love to explore and I need to find that enjoyment I used to have at it. It's there, but it needs some nurturing and more of my time and energy.

I leave you with this. We are never asked to carry more than we can. We are asked to carry it with joy in our hearts that we were asked to carry it. I feel that joy coming back and I missed it. I'm tired of fighting what is vs. what I wanted. I'm tired of fighting what I'm asked by Him to do. It causes me much grief and pain and I have been learning that is not the right approach. So, time to explore what that really means....

Peace to you and yours!

I'm out (for a while)

AJ