Hello all. I don't know where else to turn, so thought I'd go ahead and post here. I've been lurking here for a couple of weeks now and I am amazed at the support going on here.
Let's start at the beginning. Get ready. This sucker is long and I'll probably do a lot of rambling. Thanks for your patience.
H and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary in April. We have two boys together (4.5 years and 15 months). He is active Army and I am a SAHM.
A little less than three years ago, we decided we needed a break from the constant deployments, so we decided to try recruiting for a few years. We knew from the start that it would be tough on both of us. What neither of us was prepared for was the fact that it would tear our family apart. He despises his job and has longed to go back to operational Army for a long time now. Unfortunately, we had no choice but to ride out the storm.
He became depressed and emotionally closed off. I guess that at some point, I just kind of "gave up" and became unhappy, myself. I admit that I did a lot of nagging, but he was just not "there". Our boys are very high maintenance and our youngest hates sleep lol. Needless to say, I am one tired mama and I expected him to help me out more around the house and with the kids. With my nagging, he closed up even more. He quit wanting to do things as a family and started seeking fun with his friends more often. I would stupidly nag him about that and try hard to get him to do things as a family and with me as his wife. He would just become that much more distant.
I guess it was about 8 months ago when things started to get really bad. It was obvious that neither of us were very happy and I suggested marriage counseling on multiple occasions. He always declined. We would talk and things would get better for a week or so, then it would go right back to the way it was. He started taking his anger out on our kids. Yelling at them for virtually no reason. Of course, I would jump in and try to defend our kids and diffuse, which only made him more angry. At one point, he agreed to see an IC. He went for about 3 weeks and things started to get better. Then, out of nowhere, he stopped going and things picked up where they left off.
Three weeks ago, he yelled at our oldest. I went off on him and called him some names. He stormed off to the bedroom. I followed him back and tried to make him see how much he has changed and that this isn't the H I know and love. He became very defensive and started yelling at me. To try to make him see what an impact he is having on our family, I told him how I had thought of taking the kids and leaving (honest truth - thought about it on multiple occasions, but I love him so much and want more than anything for our marriage to work). He got up and started packing his stuff. He said he needed to get away for a few days to clear his head and figure out what he feels is best for the kids, himself, and us.
He came home the following day and told me that he wanted a D. I cried, begged, and pleaded. He said he still loves me, but that he's just unhappy. I told him that if he really did love me, he would try marriage counseling. I then just walked away. He followed me and just sat silent for a few minutes. Finally, he said he would try MC. I was overjoyed! He decided to go ahead and stay with his friend that night, but said he would be back the following day.
He came back home as planned. I scheduled the appointment with an MC and we were set to see him within the week. Monday and Tuesday looked promising. I felt hope. Wednesday night, the mess hit the fan.
It was a stupid fight over the TV remote. He didn't want to compromise with me on what to watch (he always monopolizes the TV). I asked him why it was so difficult for him to compromise with me - why he couldn't do something so small if it would make me happier. He said he didn't know. I pointed out to him that things didn't start getting bad until he started hanging out with his friends more often than his family. That was when he told me that he had been lying to himself (and me) for a long time. He said he loves me as the mother of his children, but not as his wife. I walked into the other room and collapsed onto the floor, bawling. I was an utter mess.
Once I started calming down, he started talking. He said he would like to remain separated until one of us decides to remarry, as he would like for me to maintain our military benefits. He said I could have everything in the house and that he would make sure I am financially secure. With that, he left. Over the next few days, he came to me with a financial plan. One that I could NOT agree to. Sorry, but I gave up my own plans to follow him all over the country in support of his career and to raise his kids. My journey to better myself was put on hold. He was only willing to pay child support and cover a few of my bills (car payment, car insurance, and cell phone) for 3 months (NOT enough time for me to get on my feet). The fight got ugly and he said he just wanted a D. He also said he wants us (the boys and I) to move back to our hometown asap, so he can get our finances straight (we are living paycheck to paycheck).
We didn't mention it again for a week or so and we were both much more civil to one another. Oh, I forgot to mention that I kept the appointment with the MC, but he's just my IC now. He also happens to be fully aware of DB'ing and actually attended some kind of course on the strategies (he has a certificate and everything!). So, I've been seeing my counselor and implementing 180's and GAL. I've cut off unnecessary contact with him and started going to church. I thought things were getting better. There were little hints in things he said that gave me hope.
Then today... oh man. Apparently, the people he is staying with are giving him 60 days to move out (he's not paying them rent). Because of this, he wants to do a divorce settlement and get the boys and I the hell out of here. He can't afford his own place with the kids and I still here in this house. There are a few problems here:
[list] [*]we need money for us to move [*]we need money to get the ball rolling on the stupid D [*]I'm not ready for this to be over
I spoke with an attorney briefly today. Without having gone into too much detail, he basically said that H is bent if he thinks he's going to financially get off that easily. I just feel like the whole financial situation is putting us in a really bad predicament and will make things extremely difficult when it comes to me trying to DB. I don't know what to do. I'm not ready for this to be over, but he's pushing so hard. I just have a feeling this is going to get so ugly.
I want my H back. I want the man that I fell head over heels for to come back. I don't know where he went, but this is NOT him. Can anyone offer an words of wisdom? I'm so lost right now. My world is upside down. Such a nightmare.
