I've decided that I owe it to her and the kids to have the chance to understand what I can and cannot do. I am going to tell her that I love her and support her and understand what she is going through and why this OM has come into her life to fill the void I left in not providing her the emotional support she needed.
But that I cannot stay living in this house for my own self-respect if she decides to allow her affair to turn physical. I need her to know that out of respect for our 10 years of marriage, our kids and our future friendship what is going to happen if she decides to move forward to a physical relationship. I will tell her the honorable thing for her to do is to sell the house and divorce FIRST.
And if she does make the decision to cross that line but not sell, I will have to leave but I cannot afford to pay the mortgage AND rent somewhere else so her decision will result in a probable foreclosure. This is not a threat, just a reality. So in essence by having the affair, she will be flushing $200K of equity which could have paid for school for years.
So at least I have told her up front what will happen so it will not be a surprise when it happens and she will be able to truly understand the ramifications beforehand.
I know there are many saintly people here much more forgiving than I that can forgive an affair. I have come to terms that it would have been better if she had had the affair, ended it and THEN told me. Because now that she told me about the EA up front, I don't think I could forgive her moving forward with the physical, directly in front of my face. I just can't do it.
I spoke to a family law attorney today just to get a grip on process (it's an old friend). He told me that it's a shame - when all is said and done a "friendly" divorce ends up costing $10K-$15K in legal fees when you add up both sides...and if those couples dedicated that kind of money to a 2 week trip to Hawaii, they could probably resolve many of their problems....this is coming from a divorce lawyer!
