Well, it's been quite the day....quite a good day. I think my head is at a good place right now. I'm sad and hurt about the whole situation. However, I don't feel the need to run anymore. I've been reading some books that have been recommended for me to read and it's hit home a little bit. I forgot who I am...especially around my wife.
I realize the affair was not my fault now. Sure, I wasn't there, but ultimately, she did what she did. I warned her it would happened and she did it anyway. The way I feel about the situation is that I want some space to work those issues out in my head. I don't want to cut her off anymore. In fact, I just talked to her on the phone. Now before you get your 2x4's out....I called her to see what she was going to do with the kids while she was at a training seminar for work tomorrow. We made a pickup and drop off arrangement. We talked a little bit about how much I need to pay the daycare that she works when they watch my kids while I'm at work. In the conversation I mentioned something about some items I purchased and needing to look at my bank account to see how much $$$ was in there. She asked if I would mind her asking me what I bought....
Okay guys. Everyone has been asking me what I've been doing for me. I haven't been able to answer that because I've been doing things for us. Well, I bought myself a new iPad, but the thing I'm most excited about is some concert tickets I purchased to see my favorite band in Atlanta, GA (I live in Nashville). I've never seen them live before and it was on my bucket list...I can't wait. So, anyway I told her what I bought. A week or so ago, when I thought we were working on us, I asked her if she wanted to go to that concert with me. She never gave me an answer. Generally, if she doesn't go with me, I just don't go. Even if it's as simple as going to a movie or a store. Well, I figured that I don't have anyone telling me what I can and cannot do with my money or time. It felt so amazing buying those tickets. I know that may sound ridiculous, but it felt good.
I'm also thinking about going back to my former career, now that I'm not tied down at home too much. I haven't fully decided because my kids never liked me doing it, but we'll see how things go. If they are against it, I will not do it. I had my dream job and going back to it excites me. I would tour around the country with various music artists and bands doing technical junk. It was the funnest I ever had. Like I said though, if the kids are the slightest bit uncomfortable with it, it isn't going to happen. That's MY choice.
As far as the wife goes. I think we both have a lot to work on. I need to step it up as a man a bit. The funny thing is that in certain situations or around other people I am the man that she wants me to be....in fact, that is what I believe she found attractive about me in the beginning. But with her, I was a frightened, weak, coward. Well, no more. I enjoy being the confident guy who can make the decisions no matter what kind of stress I'm under. That's what I loved about touring is that, no matter where your show was, something unexpected would come up that would mess up everything. Every show. I thrived under that. I love that feeling. When you have 30 minutes to soundcheck and you realize you don't have a certain cable adaptor that you need, so you have someone drive you to a store, pick up your items, make the cable and have it plugged in before soundcheck...it's awesome. I love it. When I have any stress with her, I would cower down because I was afraid she would leave me...or afraid to admit to myself that she was lying to me, or whatnot, because it would hurt if I did admit it.
So, dave is back! She wants a man, well I can be a man. I've done it before. I still have some work to do. I know that there is a chance that she will not like it and leave me for good...and I'm okay with that. That's her decision. Frankly, I don't want to be married to the woman she has become. It's too much pain, too many lies, too many trust issues. That's not to say that I do not want to work on the marriage. I'm doing my part. The rest is up to her. I can't do a thing about it. I almost feel bad saying this, but if she doesn't want to work on the things that she has done to me and the kids, then I deserve better. My heart's desire is to be with her. But, I'm not going to, if things don't change. She has a lot of things to figure out. I can't do anything about them, so until then, I'll work on my stuff. We'll see how it pans out, but I'm not interested in rushing into anything right now. There's no way that she can deal with all of the issues in this short amount of time. I hope she does.
I just feel like I'm in a life raft on the ocean. All her indecisiveness and problems are like the waves underneath me. Sometimes they're huge and seem overbearing and sometimes they are small and unnoticeable. Either way, I still love the ocean and I'm going to do my best to survive the rough times and enjoy the peaceful times. Either way, I can't control the ocean and it would be foolish for me to try.
I know it's quite a change in attitude from one or two days ago. I don't have this perfected by any means, but I do think my head is in a more rational place. I think my motives and thoughts are healthy ones. Anyone have any comments on whether they think I'm moving in the right direction?
I hope everyone has a great weekend. I know I'm gonna. I'm going to take the kids and do something exciting and new...something we've never done before. I don't know what, but I'm a creative guy.
