Regretful and not sure how to proceed

[25yearsmlc]

25 you have a gift. Truly. You have a gift. Thank you my friend. If YOU aren't emotionally connected, I'm not sure WHO is!!!!! LOL. whatever the F that means.....

Ok ---from the top! Here are a couple of gems I didn't mention last night/this am. I had to process the whole stupid convo first.

Here's how it went. W, I and S were making a 'box car' for S4'w preschool. She said, "We need to talk. I am thinking that living here with you looks shady. It looks like I'm cheating on OW (good fing grief) AND on you....so I need to leave. I might want to pursue this relationship with OW...."

Me: is this relationship headed that direction?
W: yes, I need to pursue it, and I can't do that if i'm living with you
Me: Wow. I wish you hadn't rushed into something so fast.
W: Well, I can make my own decision. You don't need to mother me. The thing with you and I -- there is NO you and I- has been a long time coming....
Me: I know, I know, but really. Come on. You started talking to her WHEN????
W; Oh in July or so ****** I read at least May b/c i do not believe a fing word she says at this point......
ME; exactly. So you are going to throw 13 years away for someone you started talking to in JULY???
Then the convo devolved into my begging -- please don't take my baby from me....don't break up his stability...etc.....NOT PRODUCTIVE. I KNEW IT AT THE TIME BUT S!!!! I tried to mitigate the damage....


**** Yes, I fell off the DB track, but this was a totally unexpected NOT MY INITIATED convo --- so i had not mentally prepped. I was messed up!!!!! Bad......b/c I didn't expect it I lost my DB focus. Well, sometimes as one other poster said, we all 'screw the pooch...'


Ok, my friend 25 ---. I know, I'm not a victim, therefore not at her "mercy" Poor choice of words. But it feels that way sometimes b/c she has all the marbles === and I'm so scared she will use S as a pawn. After all, she is NOT W I know and love, so WTH she might do is a mystery.... But point well taken. L consult in the works. You MAY see me in the SUPREME COURT if that's what it takes. NO ONE GETS MY SON.

Effortless emotional connection.....like i said, everyone I've asked about this says WTH does she mean? I always say.......I was asking YOU what she meant because i have NO CLUE>>>>>>> Were you (me) there for her, did you show your love? etc..... My niece says W is justifying her bad behavior and trying to hurt me and blame me. I see that. Perhaps her guilt is talking and blaming me.

See, this is why I LOVE you 25. 'cant compete with thought processes like that." Even in my horrible pain, I chuckle myself when I hear you.....Yeah. i hear you. She's a 35 year old who is channeling her inner 13 year old. It's kind of pathetic. Even moreso when the OW is 42 and also acting 13. Yep, OW is a real prize. I can see her appeal....I heard today she's tall, blonde and athletic....I'm short, a little overweight (not more than 20 lbs) and dirty blonde/strawberry. Who can compete????

Yeeck!!!! Idiots. It's easier to RUN IMHO than to do the hard work to keep a family together..... and it's easier to come in as the third person in a relationship than to try to find an available UNATTACHED person. Lowlife B. LOWLY OW. MY head IS high. I DID NOT check out on R. I NEVER cheated. I NEVER lied. I have integrity. Period. I will keep my DIGNITy.

INTERESTING SIDEBAR: I was so distraught I had to talk to my division chair today to give her a heads up on my sitch. Believe me, not an easy thing for me. I'm very professional, but I've been having some real teary moments.... So I talked to D.C. Small town, and she had some input. First, she said she knew who OW was....** for the record I've never met her, never looked her up on FB, i don't wnt to know.. KNOW nothing about her......" Division chair said inadvertently that OW is NOT a nice person and she cannot imagine my W with OW. Said OW has a rep as a USER, and a MANIPULATOR. Wow. I did not know that. From a totally DETACHED THIRD PARTY. That was saying something.....

She says OW is well 'below me' and if "W is saying OW is 'above me' emotionally or in any way.... W is sadly mistaken." Division Chair was SO caring and SO nice I cried for her a little.. she gave me a couple of hugs.....not hard in my state of mind. She said she believes W is throwing away a -(ok, this is her wording, not mine, but I have to say it makes me feel good) genuine, good, intelligent, driven, caring person who people love. W will figure out that OW is fake and (Division chair) hopes that when W figures that out that I've moved on..... and I deserve better. She did say OW has a lot of CHARISMA and '
fills up a room with her presence." YUCK>>>>>

She told me several times that she thinks I'm a great professor, well loved, talented, and definitely NOT inferior no matter what W says.......... all in all, not a convo I planned with the boss, but it happened and she was very caring. She knows W also...and OW -- (obviously) and I appreciated her outpouring of support. She told me to go home after my classes were over and just relax...... Love my D.Chair.

what a flippin' GREAT boss. Like Olympic great...geez...had to say that

[25yearsmlc]

more later but saw the boss's comments and had to make one myself...you are lucky to have her in your corner.

And you have to stop ALL R talks...Make NO mention of OW again. That only pushes them together (bad idea Mary...really). You are challenging her choices AGAIN and

so she's defending those choices AGAIN...cementing them more & more...

you saw what I wrote to you (or someone around here...) the 3 answers to their

extensive marital history revisions.

H once told me he thought I'd "be in the US Senate by now", and that I "have underachieved..." to him. Nice...

If you can't find the replies i posted somewhere, I'll repost but for now-

Do not engage in ANY discussion slike that. All you have to address are financial matters and s4 (which she has NOT thought out well I'd bet)

engaging and arguing is a no win sitch for YOU.

Tell her if she makes outlandish comments you feel demand an answer but you aren't sure what...or IF....

then say though you are "sure there's a perfect response to her comment, it escapes you right now", so....AND LEAVE the area.

Plus, and this is CRUCIAL---

your focus needs to STOP being on the nutjob alien you're married to, &

INSTEAD put your energy

onto your son and yourself and GAL....

So, tell us one thing that you have planned for this week that is all about YOU??

[In_Shock]

wish W didn't want s. She is being a REAL BITC! tonight. OMG WHO IS THIS PERSON???????

I actually make more money, so I'm lucky there, but I'd give it all up just to have my son with me.

I'm trying unsuccessfully to adjust to the new sleeping arangement. I'm in a king sized bed alone with two doggies. I really miss having her here, even if she wsa distant.... She is just an alien now.

Got to let her go on her own journey... I'm just so sad. iwonder if I'll make it.....really I do. These depths are So bad. She's oblivious to my pain. It's like she's just put up a wall and doesn't care.

I think my In-laws are really pushing her not to mention i think ow is pushing her to get away from me. MY GOD my self esteem is takin some large whacks. I've heard sh!T about myself tonight I can't even believe someone could say about me. Especially someone who supposedly loved me for over a decade. Bitch.

[In_Shock]

for me this weekend? Been too distraught to even think about that. Nothing sounds fun. Everything sounds like a chore. Even getting up sounds horrible.

She started threatening tonight to take S and leave = 'legally i'm his mom and that is what matters.' HOW DARE SHE?????????????? WHEN I have been there for him all the way through. He is NOT a pawn. She is someone I do not know and i certainly am beginning to feel a deep hatred for on some level. I don't want to....Im torn, but WHO DOES THIS to a 4 year old????? Oh yeah, my alien W.

[In_Shock]

oh yeah another gem. She told me our C (the one who sees all 3 of us in the triangle..) told her (W) that I was an 'energy vampire.....' that's nice. She told me C doesn't care for me and thinks I'm toxic.

Do you think that is at all possible? Look back at what I said when i visited C last time. Is C that phony?

Alien spew 25 you think???? Lashing out? Venom. Blah

[FaithnAK]

Hey In_Shock,

I know you are just letting it out. It's pain. It hurts. Your not exactly wallowing in it, but you are dwelling on it.

I do not endorse getting even, but from your psyche you need to obtain a F her approach AND "I'm way better than this" attitude. She is an Alien! She has been a making in the works for awhile. If she is a b!tch, time will tell, but really she's vindictive, mean, and self absorbed RIGHT NOW. And there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. Nothing. Notta. You can call her names and you can be mad, but it doesn't change anything.

So....what can In_Shock do to feel better? My suggestion is to understand that YOU can move forward and conquer these feelings. Instead of being angry (easier said than done), channel that energy into be confident and WORTH more than wasting time on somebody that is WASTING time on attacking you. I know you have heard "Like water off a ducks back".

Jack 3 Beans talks about reprogramming our buttons A LOT. You know she is going to do what she is doing. You know when you pull away she will try to mash it repeatedly. What can you do for you to not let those buttons bother you anymore? Let go, detach, yada yada yada....but just like everyone here it takes time, BUT if you waste your energy on someone who isn't suppose to be treating you this way, then it's a hole in your own personal boundary.

Stay strong, vent it out, and then pick yourself up and move forward friend.

[25yearsmlc]

good stuff^^^ here, READ this post^^ again,


Yes she's into the alien spew (but YOU must be participating in some way b/c she's not going to talk to herself about you like that

unless you are engaging. So Stop that).

And welcome to the evil twin we all have, to some extent. My h said some vicious things to me

and I probably did to him (well, in truth I KNOW I did).

I told him he was a selfish and deceitful bastard, for one, and we're still m!

Oh and he told me I was sociopathic when I said I had no regrets about quitting my job to be a sahm after he left--so the kids would have ONE parent at home--yeah, I was just sitting here eating bon bons and watching soaps.

(One of these days I need to buy and eat an actual bon bon. What are they?)


I am making light of this, a bit, b/c it's NOT new to me. We've all heard amazing things from our spouses at this time.

I want you to STOP ENGAGING and stop the pleading. It's worsening the sitch big time. The best thing you can do now is be quiet.


Let her hear from your L if need be re: your son.

Who knows, maybe you can argue she's so unstable that she is unfit...(I know, that's low. I just thought if we were going to vent here, I'd toss out that grenade to shut her up in my mind...make sense?) But let YOUR L tell you the options and be willing to find a FIRM w/resources that specializes, not some solo practioner.

As for the c, she MAY have said the RELATIONSHIP is toxic...and it is right now.
but your w is selectively recalling I think.

I seriously doubt she'd play both sides so much. BUt please get a new one anyhow, just so YOU can feel safe and in a trusting place.


Back off, detach, and watch the MLC parade go by. Sit down with some popcorn and let it happen and wash past you...you have NO control over this anyhow.

do NOT engage.

This will pass and you will be happy again.

I promise. This does get better.

[In_Shock]

thanks guys. I was just venting b/c this is a good place to let it out. Anger. Gotta let go of it.

I guess today I need to keep my mouth shut and not engage. Should I just be pleasant, polite, cordial and act as if nothing happened? Let her bring it up i guess. Do NOT engage. Keep my mouth shut.

Got it. Sorry for all the venting --- Like i said, this is kind of the only place i can do all that. It just HURT so much when she said I'm not good for my son and that I am only in his life because SHE GIVES me the power....It is terrible.

Ok here goes another day.

[25yearsmlc]

shock,

I think I posted to you elsewhere...you have 2 threads now? IF so, close one so we can follow you more easily.

And keep on keeping on.

[In_Shock]

yes, i started a new one. how do i close this one?