okay so don't say you are at her mercy. And don't be. She wants an "effortless emotional connection"...
okay I laughed out loud at that one. Hey, if she finds that and it lasts, let her have it. She wants a relationship that is effortless?... um, ME TOO!!!
I've never heard of that stage lasting much beyond a few months but you can't compete with thought processes like that. OMG Don't even bother!
Max out on GAL, making your authentic changes, and being there for s4.
Go to that workshop I told you about ASAP--it'll do more for your PMA and GAL than anything else I know of,
and that's it!
Leave the results up to God.
Enough about her and wanting to die b/c a 35 y/o woman doesn't know how idiotic she sounds and she's going to be with a 40 something in the same boat?
Sooo not worth crying about.
I know you love her. But her head's on sideways right now and you can't fix that.
Behave with utmost dignity and grace and STRENGTH, NO Pursuit at all....at all....
let her wonder. In time...she will wonder...UNLESS you keep pursuing and then she'll know you are still there waiting around.
See the L, and if nothing else it'll tear her up/pressure her to compromise- knowing there IS AN ISSUE in dispute
b/c you were the primary caretaker and it's supposed to be about the best interests of the child in all 50 states...
She's not leaving you for a man- so I fail to see how being gay is relevant.
You both are...she's leaving you for OW...(hello? "Your honor, they're ALL gay, so why does that matter?")
((( ! )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 you have a gift. Truly. You have a gift. Thank you my friend. If YOU aren't emotionally connected, I'm not sure WHO is!!!!! LOL. whatever the F that means.....
Ok ---from the top! Here are a couple of gems I didn't mention last night/this am. I had to process the whole stupid convo first.
Here's how it went. W, I and S were making a 'box car' for S4'w preschool. She said, "We need to talk. I am thinking that living here with you looks shady. It looks like I'm cheating on OW (good fing grief) AND on you....so I need to leave. I might want to pursue this relationship with OW...."
Me: is this relationship headed that direction? W: yes, I need to pursue it, and I can't do that if i'm living with you Me: Wow. I wish you hadn't rushed into something so fast. W: Well, I can make my own decision. You don't need to mother me. The thing with you and I -- there is NO you and I- has been a long time coming.... Me: I know, I know, but really. Come on. You started talking to her WHEN???? W; Oh in July or so ****** I read at least May b/c i do not believe a fing word she says at this point...... ME; exactly. So you are going to throw 13 years away for someone you started talking to in JULY??? Then the convo devolved into my begging -- please don't take my baby from me....don't break up his stability...etc.....NOT PRODUCTIVE. I KNEW IT AT THE TIME BUT S!!!! I tried to mitigate the damage....
**** Yes, I fell off the DB track, but this was a totally unexpected NOT MY INITIATED convo --- so i had not mentally prepped. I was messed up!!!!! Bad......b/c I didn't expect it I lost my DB focus. Well, sometimes as one other poster said, we all 'screw the pooch...'
Ok, my friend 25 ---. I know, I'm not a victim, therefore not at her "mercy" Poor choice of words. But it feels that way sometimes b/c she has all the marbles === and I'm so scared she will use S as a pawn. After all, she is NOT W I know and love, so WTH she might do is a mystery.... But point well taken. L consult in the works. You MAY see me in the SUPREME COURT if that's what it takes. NO ONE GETS MY SON.
Effortless emotional connection.....like i said, everyone I've asked about this says WTH does she mean? I always say.......I was asking YOU what she meant because i have NO CLUE>>>>>>> Were you (me) there for her, did you show your love? etc..... My niece says W is justifying her bad behavior and trying to hurt me and blame me. I see that. Perhaps her guilt is talking and blaming me.
See, this is why I LOVE you 25. 'cant compete with thought processes like that." Even in my horrible pain, I chuckle myself when I hear you.....Yeah. i hear you. She's a 35 year old who is channeling her inner 13 year old. It's kind of pathetic. Even moreso when the OW is 42 and also acting 13. Yep, OW is a real prize. I can see her appeal....I heard today she's tall, blonde and athletic....I'm short, a little overweight (not more than 20 lbs) and dirty blonde/strawberry. Who can compete????
Yeeck!!!! Idiots. It's easier to RUN IMHO than to do the hard work to keep a family together..... and it's easier to come in as the third person in a relationship than to try to find an available UNATTACHED person. Lowlife B. LOWLY OW. MY head IS high. I DID NOT check out on R. I NEVER cheated. I NEVER lied. I have integrity. Period. I will keep my DIGNITy.
INTERESTING SIDEBAR: I was so distraught I had to talk to my division chair today to give her a heads up on my sitch. Believe me, not an easy thing for me. I'm very professional, but I've been having some real teary moments.... So I talked to D.C. Small town, and she had some input. First, she said she knew who OW was....** for the record I've never met her, never looked her up on FB, i don't wnt to know.. KNOW nothing about her......" Division chair said inadvertently that OW is NOT a nice person and she cannot imagine my W with OW. Said OW has a rep as a USER, and a MANIPULATOR. Wow. I did not know that. From a totally DETACHED THIRD PARTY. That was saying something.....
She says OW is well 'below me' and if "W is saying OW is 'above me' emotionally or in any way.... W is sadly mistaken." Division Chair was SO caring and SO nice I cried for her a little.. she gave me a couple of hugs.....not hard in my state of mind. She said she believes W is throwing away a -(ok, this is her wording, not mine, but I have to say it makes me feel good) genuine, good, intelligent, driven, caring person who people love. W will figure out that OW is fake and (Division chair) hopes that when W figures that out that I've moved on..... and I deserve better. She did say OW has a lot of CHARISMA and ' fills up a room with her presence." YUCK>>>>>
She told me several times that she thinks I'm a great professor, well loved, talented, and definitely NOT inferior no matter what W says.......... all in all, not a convo I planned with the boss, but it happened and she was very caring. She knows W also...and OW -- (obviously) and I appreciated her outpouring of support. She told me to go home after my classes were over and just relax...... Love my D.Chair.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
OK more----- She told me this AM that the OW is not nor has never been the 'problem' with our R. She says I am my own worst enemy. I couldn't just 'be' i was always trying to fix thigns --- i couldn't sit still and just be.
my Division Chair today told me --- very interesting...that she sees me as PEACEFUL with a good heart. W told me verbatim that OW is PEACEFUL and I'm not
W said this am.....SHOW ME ---- I don't believe your changes. zYou can change on a dime. She gave an example: once many years ago she told me she wasn't happy with the fact that I 'bickered' alot -- my family is a bickering family. We don't hold grudges - just get it allout and over...anywayyyy...
W says --" so when i told you i don't like the bickering -- YOU JUST STOPPED" I can't trust your changes * *I have seen your changes in the past few months but I think you can turn on a dime --- I DO NOT BELIEVE IT\ ME: IF my changes are consistent will you believe them? W: Maybe. Stop talking and show me
WTF???? AM I crazy or is she not as DONE and COMPLETELY closed off as she SAYS???? LASt night she CRIED (Emotion) becasue she said she was sad for the way things might have gone with US.............&&******ME: why didn't you TALK TO ME"???? W: you wouldn't have 'heard' me
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO committed to making this R work I have NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO clue what W wants.
I am back on the DB train hook line and sinker (*to mix a metaphor)
f HER AND HER JOURNEY. If what i learned about OW today is correct, W is in for the fall of her life. Oh well....natural and logical consequences.... BLAHHHHH
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
I_S, you're, as they say, on the front seat of the roller coaster right now. It will take a while for this to sink in, but I'll say it anyhow: the sooner you step off the coaster, the better.
Personally, I doubt W is done. However, she's confused and probably feeling like a caged animal. She's going to lash out at you whether there's anything to lash at or not.
One thing you *can't* do now is have R talks. They won't work, they'll frustrate you and push her further away. Also, don't talk about your changes (first rule of DB Club); if you mention them, they come off as a manipulative trick. If they come up, just say something generic like 'I've figures some things out and am working on making a better me' and drop it.
Again, step away from the crazy as best you can. It will take more strength and time than you can imagine, but you *will* find that strength and patience within you!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
she just got home. In my fog I proceeded to tell her others had said things about OW. Stupid yes.... started a fight. She told me I have never cared about anyone but myself. WHATTTTTT!?????
She's headed for a fall and I can't help her. Can't stop her. WTH does she mean? Is this what they call REWRITING history???? I -- ME --- don't care about anyone????? Never heard that one in 13 years!!!! God my head hurt
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
WHY oh WHY does it hurt so much? Someone I've lived with and loved for so long telling me I don't care about her or anyone else......????? Yep that's a new one. I've been accused of wearing my heart on my sleeve, of caring too much about strangers, about animals, etc.... NEVER been accused by her or anyone else of NOT caring enough.
This SUKKKKKKS!!! I am so torn --- i know i need to detach, and I know she's being nasty for her own reasons, but this is NOT the person I knew. It's really not.
And I'm TERRIFIED about what will happen with this alien W, OW, and my S. OMG my brain hurts.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
yes, you are right. I guess if I treat her as if she's insane I can drop the rope and just let it all happen. STOP trying to control any of it.
It does bother me that the OW has such a negative reputation.... but OTOH part of me is glad.....like ok, go be with this B and let her F you over....Please, be my guest....LOL. But I love W so much the biggest part of me wants her to NOT be hurt and it makes me very sad.
I miss the W who is no longer here. She's become so COLD and DISTANT and telling me so many things I can't believe she would ever say about me, about us, about our past. WOW. I had read other posters talk about this type of thing but no, I thought. My W is not that type....nahhhh, she would never rewrite our history. Hmmmm. Live and learn.
I'm still reeling from the "You don't care about anyone...." remarks. dam*ed if you do and d if you don't. I've heard it all now. Like i said....heart on my sleeve....now f*ing i don't have a heart? DROPPING the rope the best i can.
Even though I don't want her to move - leave - part of me is just saying.....he@! GO!!! At least I won't have to hear this nonsense and live with this ALIEN who has taken over my beautiful W's body. Horrible. Horrible. Life has tken a turn for the SUKK.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Where our sitches differ is that my H isn't interested in being the primary caretaker. He just wants his freedom and to see the kids twice or three times a week... where I'm at his mercy is money wise.. he's the primary breadwinner. This concerns me and I'm trying to figure out ways to make and squirrel away more money.
