WAW in Los Angeles

[wawinla]

Hey sorry for taking forever to reply.

No worries...grateful for the input!

What I meant was that you guys seem to be doing well financially as a couple. Times were rough, but things were for the most part under control. (this is the impression I get). She had a beautiful house, got herself a better job, yet was still seriously unhappy. So rather than looking at herself she blamed you. Not saying you didn't have a part in it, but IMHO MLC's are more about the person running than the person left behind. So of course since she didn't appreciate what she already had she seeks more. That's why it doesn't surprise me that she's after some wealthy spaniard. In a very weird way I'd suggest you take it as a compliment. Remember most WAW's think they are upgrading.

I believe you're correct. I take responsibility for my role, it's just frustrating being tagged as the cause of her unhappiness, when she had a hand too, creating external circumstances that affected the relationship. Like many couples, money exacerbates the stress in relationships.

Now I wasn't asking to stop DBing, but to try to move to a state of mind where you accept at least for now that it will be a while before she comes back if she does at all. I've said this about you and HOS before: your W's have the resources, education and job opportunities (even if it's at your expense) to prolong their denial. Unlike some who hit reality fast, your WAW's can afford wine dinners, trips, nights out on the town, expensive clothing, and other things to try to convince themselves that they are NOW happy. It may take a VERY long time until they are done "discovering themselves". They also have strong enabler networks it seems. Expect an extra long period of waiting, if you plan to go that route. I know it's not what you want to hear.

Once again IMHO an MLC is like a fire it burns strong, but it eventually runs out of fuel. This is after they do all the things they think will make them happy, or realize that it's unrealistic to have it all. Then they run out of gas and hopefully learn to love what they have. Your W has a lot of fuel, unlike others she can afford to do alot. Are you willing to wait for her to learn that happiness is not about wanting what you dont have, but loving what you have?

Who knows how long will it take for her to grow bored of her new interest, or realize that it's not about fancy meals, and trips, but sharing them with the one she loves, and loves her back. I dunno I'm just rambling now.

Alas I feel you are correct on this as well. The odds don't look good for me.

Sigh...reality for me is GAL for myself and deciding where my journey takes me. I struggle with missing my WAW and mourning our relationship, but must keep my eyes looking forward.

Spoke to an attorney yesterday, WAW comes out ahead. She can walk away from the mortgages, I have no way to recoup paying for her Ivy League graduate school and the earning power that comes along with it, and no way to recoup the down payment on our property. Despite being together for 18 years, since we live in California, the clock only started when we got married about 5 years ago. For someone who feels "victimized" and I'm the cause of her unhappiness, this is all a very bitter pill to swallow. My practical task now is to start sorting through our belongings and finding a place to live. Not fun....

[In_Shock]

big HUGS to you.

You said:

Alas I feel you are correct on this as well. The odds don't look good for me.

Sigh...reality for me is GAL for myself and deciding where my journey takes me. I struggle with missing my WAW and mourning our relationship, but must keep my eyes looking forward.

Spoke to an attorney yesterday, WAW comes out ahead. She can walk away from the mortgages, I have no way to recoup paying for her Ivy League graduate school and the earning power that comes along with it, and no way to recoup the down payment on our property. Despite being together for 18 years, since we live in California, the clock only started when we got married about 5 years ago. For someone who feels "victimized" and I'm the cause of her unhappiness, this is all a very bitter pill to swallow. My practical task now is to start sorting through our belongings and finding a place to live. Not fun....

Ridiculous. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this BS. First of all --- internalize the following : YOU are NOT the cause of HER UNHAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!!! Regardless of what YOU may or may not have done, you cannot make anyone else happy. She needs to put on her BGP and own her feelings.

Finding a place to live. HoRRIBLE. If you are the LBS it makes me so angry.... the WAS should ALWAYS be the one to leave. It's their D@@@ choice to break up the family!!!

Hang in there.... I'm watching for updates!

[wawinla]

Update:

Since I need to move, I've been focused on organizing the items in the house. As many know, it's a horrible exercise, re-living our 18 year relationship while placing things in boxes. I haven't found a new place to live, so it makes more difficult deciding to keep or discard items. Again, such a sad, painful experience.

I've been reading about the journeys of the other folks on the board. It's all so heartbreaking, the suffering folks are going/gone through. I wish everyone the best in this rough period in our lives. I know that despite how one feels now, we'll make it through this and be happy once again whatever the outcome.

For now, just one day at a time....

[Truegritter]

LA

When you are going through it seems horrible but when your done ...

Well you're never done.

Not if you embrace the opportunity for growth.

To be the best person you desire to be.

And walk forth without fear or regret.

then.

You might be, just a tad...

Thankful.

[wawinla]

TG:

Thanks for the encouragement and perspective...I agree wholeheartedly.

The reality is that it's going to be hard...no way around it. I just need to focus on the tasks at hand, not get bogged down by the uncertainty and fear that goes along with it, and remember to focus on the the "bigger" picture--the opportunity to become a "better", happier me.

In terms of update, I'll require communication with the WAW this week as part of dealing with the gory details of the D proceedings. These interactions have not been fun, as I struggle with protecting myself and not reinforcing her beliefs that allow her to demonize me.

I know it isn't dropping the rope, but I wrestle with the perception from the WAW. I know the experienced folks here are right, no point in worrying about what's she's thinking...just need to do what's best for me.

[wawinla]

Journal:

I'm meeting with my WAS this weekend to discuss specifics of the unwinding. We need to discuss our house/condo and the financial consequences of letting them get forclosed or sell them short. She hasn't been part of the process at all, all part of her "Eat, Pray, Love" and not wanting to deal with the reality of the situation. I'm not happy with how this will affect me financially, but she's adamant on being okay with the consequences.

Since we've had minimal contact during the separation (hard to believe that it's been seven months), I find myself getting emotional when we do see each other. I have to remind myself that I need just be who I am now. Someone who understands and owns the mistakes they made in the relationship. And since the separation, working on becoming the person I was before with the added insights from the current sitx. I know when I see her this weekend, I'll be re-playing in my mind on how did I end up here? How can this person who I've spent nearly 20 years with be the way she's been? Must fight this urge...keep it positive and pleasant.

In terms of being the person I want to be, being underemployed makes it difficult at times. Following up on the notion of being an "attractive person" and "someone a fool would want to leave", it's hard being totally confident while my career is in flux. I've had potential opps that I haven't pursued. Why? Because it would require me to leave Los Angeles and WAS and in my mind kill any chance for R. However, I am slowly gaining acceptance that this can't be a factor, that I need to do what's best for me and if requires leaving Los Angeles, it's something I need to do. When my WAS has asked how I'm doing, I get the sense she's asking because she's not happy with the thought of paying me spousal support. For me, my mind runs too I paid for your Ivy League MBA, stop playing victim.

Been boxing up and getting things organized for the inevitable move to an apartment. This process has been difficult, letting go of a life that is now gone. The reality and finality of it all...quite sobering.

A mutual friend recently ran into my WAS. He mentioned to me that she is quite happy with her new found freedom. When she friended him on FB, he mentioned to me that her message to all her friends is a quote from Steve Jobs (RIP)..."Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma--which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." His point in telling me this..."she's blaming you for her past unhappiness and relishing her new life".

It's a shame we can't be part of our new journey's together....

[Valeska19]

I'm meeting with my WAS this weekend to discuss specifics of the unwinding. We need to discuss our house/condo and the financial consequences of letting them get foreclosed or sell them short. She hasn't been part of the process at all, all part of her "Eat, Pray, Love" and not wanting to deal with the reality of the situation. I'm not happy with how this will affect me financially, but she's adamant on being okay with the consequences.

Forgive me WAW but I'm not understanding. She wants the D but you're doing all the work? Why are you the one taking the lead on this?

Since we've had minimal contact during the separation (hard to believe that it's been seven months), I find myself getting emotional when we do see each other. I have to remind myself that I need just be who I am now. Someone who understands and owns the mistakes they made in the relationship. And since the separation, working on becoming the person I was before with the added insights from the current sitx. I know when I see her this weekend, I'll be re-playing in my mind on how did I end up here? How can this person who I've spent nearly 20 years with be the way she's been? Must fight this urge...keep it positive and pleasant.

Yes you should fight it. As you know the why's don't matter. You're right to keep it positive and pleasant. The emotions will come up but figure out how to help yourself beforehand.

I psyched myself up. I journaled. I dressed well (which you should too) and I spent time with my close friends. It really did help curb the emotions at least for awhile. What can you do?

In terms of being the person I want to be, being underemployed makes it difficult at times. Following up on the notion of being an "attractive person" and "someone a fool would want to leave", it's hard being totally confident while my career is in flux.

I completely understand this, but have faith.. have faith that the changes you are making to yourself will benefit ALL aspects of your life including your work.

I've had potential opps that I haven't pursued. Why? Because it would require me to leave Los Angeles and WAS and in my mind kill any chance for R. However, I am slowly gaining acceptance that this can't be a factor, that I need to do what's best for me and if requires leaving Los Angeles, it's something I need to do.

Those fears make sense.. and it's okay to have them. You'll get peace and make the right decision.

When my WAS has asked how I'm doing, I get the sense she's asking because she's not happy with the thought of paying me spousal support. For me, my mind runs too I paid for your Ivy League MBA, stop playing victim.

Did you actually tell her you are going for spousal support or is that her fear?

Also - I understand your thoughts completely.. just be aware of them. Make sure that statement means - I contributed to the marriage vs. I'm angry and hurt.. make sense?

Been boxing up and getting things organized for the inevitable move to an apartment. This process has been difficult, letting go of a life that is now gone. The reality and finality of it all...quite sobering.

It sukks ((()))

A mutual friend recently ran into my WAS. He mentioned to me that she is quite happy with her new found freedom. When she friended him on FB, he mentioned to me that her message to all her friends is a quote from Steve Jobs (RIP)..."Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma--which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." His point in telling me this..."she's blaming you for her past unhappiness and relishing her new life".

Don't look too much into this. Sure she could mean it, maybe she doesn't. Either way it's not healthy for you to get on a hamsterwheel about it.

Your friend doesn't know what she thinks either so if what he said has you on a rollercoaster, tell him you prefer he not tell you things like that.

Good luck sweetie. You can do this!

You'll be in my thoughts!

[greenblue90]

Wow
Spousal support?! Go for it! I'm sure plenty of LBS who were left in financial ruin will be rooting for you!!

Maybe I'm feeling jerkish today, but get a fat settlement, use it to buy a new car, get the better job, then go ahead and have the life she wants for yourself. If she ever asks thank her for showing you there is a better life than what you had and for showing you she was too selfish of a person to share it with.

Ok all silliness aside, your W is hardcore MLC, and you know what MLC's are not bad, as long as you don't forget those that have been with you all along. Tossing people aside is selfish, maybe it's time to consider at least beginning the road to moving on.

[aeolianchaos]

Hey WAWinLA,

She hasn't been part of the process at all, all part of her "Eat, Pray, Love" and not wanting to deal with the reality of the situation. I'm not happy with how this will affect me financially, but she's adamant on being okay with the consequences.

So she wants all the 'freedom' of D, but none of the responsibilities?

Since we've had minimal contact during the separation (hard to believe that it's been seven months), I find myself getting emotional when we do see each other. I have to remind myself that I need just be who I am now. Someone who understands and owns the mistakes they made in the relationship. And since the separation, working on becoming the person I was before with the added insights from the current sitx.

Well.. the same advice I gave to Val could apply for you.

First few times I saw my WAW after she said she wanted D, I had to train my mind for it. Visualization, pre-loaded decision making, and even remembering to eat something with sugar in it about 10 minutes before she came over (helps w/ self-control over a short term period).

There is a great book called Succeed by Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorsen. It has a lot of useful tools for this kind of thing.

I know when I see her this weekend, I'll be re-playing in my mind on how did I end up here?

It can be healthy to reflect on things, but at what point do you start to move forward and figure out where you want to be right now?

I think we all do this to some extent.. it would take remarkable impulse control not to reflect.. but what is, is. It may not be exactly what you think it is.. but something is happening right now and you have to choose to be the man you want to be in that moment.

When my WAS has asked how I'm doing, I get the sense she's asking because she's not happy with the thought of paying me spousal support. For me, my mind runs too I paid for your Ivy League MBA, stop playing victim.

I get this 100%. Thats a consequence for her leaving after taking advantage of what the M had to offer her. Its something you are rightly entitled to.. if you wish to take it.

Been boxing up and getting things organized for the inevitable move to an apartment. This process has been difficult, letting go of a life that is now gone. The reality and finality of it all...quite sobering.

It's change. Finality.. reality.. those tend to be heavily influenced by our perception, which is heavily influenced by our thinking.

This year could be the start of the best your life has ever been. Can't know for sure either way...

"she's blaming you for her past unhappiness and relishing her new life".

If that's the case, she is missing the point of what Jobs was trying to say.

[wawinla]

I'm meeting with my WAS this weekend to discuss specifics of the unwinding. We need to discuss our house/condo and the financial consequences of letting them get foreclosed or sell them short. She hasn't been part of the process at all, all part of her "Eat, Pray, Love" and not wanting to deal with the reality of the situation. I'm not happy with how this will affect me financially, but she's adamant on being okay with the consequences.

Forgive me WAW but I'm not understanding. She wants the D but you're doing all the work? Why are you the one taking the lead on this?

She wants it, but hasn't gotten involved with any of the details regarding the house etc. Since my WAW does not care about the financial consequences, I've taken the lead basically to to protect myself.

Since we've had minimal contact during the separation (hard to believe that it's been seven months), I find myself getting emotional when we do see each other. I have to remind myself that I need just be who I am now. Someone who understands and owns the mistakes they made in the relationship. And since the separation, working on becoming the person I was before with the added insights from the current sitx. I know when I see her this weekend, I'll be re-playing in my mind on how did I end up here? How can this person who I've spent nearly 20 years with be the way she's been? Must fight this urge...keep it positive and pleasant.

Yes you should fight it. As you know the why's don't matter. You're right to keep it positive and pleasant. The emotions will come up but figure out how to help yourself beforehand.

I psyched myself up. I journaled. I dressed well (which you should too) and I spent time with my close friends. It really did help curb the emotions at least for awhile. What can you do?

Thanks for the support. Spent a quiet reflective morning, spoke to close friends, and mentally quieting myself before the meeting later today.

My goal is not to get suck into any arguments, especially if my WAS says things like "you're screwing me", "I can't believe you're insisting on that, justifies my decision to divorce you." and remain calm and even keel.

In terms of being the person I want to be, being underemployed makes it difficult at times. Following up on the notion of being an "attractive person" and "someone a fool would want to leave", it's hard being totally confident while my career is in flux.

I completely understand this, but have faith.. have faith that the changes you are making to yourself will benefit ALL aspects of your life including your work.

Appreciate the encouragement.

When my WAS has asked how I'm doing, I get the sense she's asking because she's not happy with the thought of paying me spousal support. For me, my mind runs too I paid for your Ivy League MBA, stop playing victim.

Did you actually tell her you are going for spousal support or is that her fear?

Also - I understand your thoughts completely.. just be aware of them. Make sure that statement means - I contributed to the marriage vs. I'm angry and hurt.. make sense?

It's her fear. I haven't really pressed that, since I'm hoping for R. When my WAW brought up that she had spoken to an attorney, I saw one and they mentioned that I should press forward on getting support. I know my WAW's attorney has cued her that I'm entitled, so I know she's trying to manipulate me into not having to pay it.

Also she's focused on what's her's, what I'm legally obligated too, and not what's fair. This is evident by her relying on the fact that we've only been married for 4.5 years but together for 18.

Been boxing up and getting things organized for the inevitable move to an apartment. This process has been difficult, letting go of a life that is now gone. The reality and finality of it all...quite sobering.

It sukks ((()))

Unbelieveable sukks!

A mutual friend recently ran into my WAS. He mentioned to me that she is quite happy with her new found freedom. When she friended him on FB, he mentioned to me that her message to all her friends is a quote from Steve Jobs (RIP)..."Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma--which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." His point in telling me this..."she's blaming you for her past unhappiness and relishing her new life".

Don't look too much into this. Sure she could mean it, maybe she doesn't. Either way it's not healthy for you to get on a hamsterwheel about it.

Your friend doesn't know what she thinks either so if what he said has you on a rollercoaster, tell him you prefer he not tell you things like that.

Good luck sweetie. You can do this!

You'll be in my thoughts!

Sigh...yes...can't get caught up into what she's doing or with whom.

Thanks again for the encouragement!