I am still struggling with going "dim" with my H. Seems like every time I see him, I pray and prepare myself ahead of time to be serene, calm and in control, but when he walks in the door all my good intentions go right out the window and I wind up either coming off as brusque and cold (NOT the same as detached, I realize!) or saying something sarcastic, etc. It's as though I see him and all I can think about is, "He's seeing another W...he's having an affair...he doesn't want me anymore..." I know, it sounds pathetic, but seriously, when I see him stroll in the house looking like the cat that ate the canary (to pick up the kids and take them someplace fun, etc.) I want to strangle him.
HOW do I get myself centered? HOW do I implement my DB strategies when I can't seem to get out of my own emotional way? I know, I know, I have to detach. It's just taking me a long time to do it. Ugh.
We have decided to write up some ground rules during our separation as they relate to the kids, finances, etc. We also included some items about our R, including the idea that we will resume weekly counseling sessions to help improve our communication (only with the christian counselors I suggested, as the traditional MC didn't do squat for us!), and will "date" every other week. sounds good in theory, but am I just allowing him to have his cake and eat it, too? We aren't pursuing reconciliation at this point in time, we are just trying to figure out if we can get our R back to a decent friendship basis at this point, I suppose. Limbo-land is what it feels like to me.
I am so confused. Part of me wants to cut him off completly and say, "make your choice, buddy" -- you can't have me AND her. But part of me wants to stay in contact with him on some level if that is what it might take to improve our R at this point in time. Should I cut off my nose to spite my face by cutting him out of my life for the most part, or will that simply ruin any chance we might have at reconciling down the road? OTH, will he respect me more if I stick to my guns and don't let him control things to his liking?
Help, I'm confused. What is the right answer here?
