Asked him what his expectations in regard to me are. He came up empty. He said he doesn't know how he "should" feel. Doesn't have any idea of what he should expect from me behaviorally now that I've said what I did.
That to me is a strong ,strong cue that as a child he was never "allowed" to feel what he did, but wheedled, guilted or bullied out of it.
He says he doesn't know what he wants. Again, another strong cue that when ever his wants were expressed, they were ignored, and or ridiculed.
Says he feels nothing but numb, and says he's been numb for a very long time.
That grieves me on his behalf.
I've been there a few times. My experience of it was living a shadow life. Not much pain, but not a whole of lot of pleasure either. A bare existence of going through the motions and pretending to be whole and well.
As for me , the song in my head playing all day has been Bonnie Raitt's " I can't make you love me." Good news is it doesn't make me cry anymore. Good news is I just sadly agree with the lyrics.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
