I don't agree with psych's take on it as far as "boundary setting" and confronting your w about the EA and OM....
b/c that sounds a lot like an ultimatum. Read the Divorce Remedy book asap
so you can understand why it's a bad idea to issue an ultimatum
Lot's of men and women on here who followed the "boundaries aren't DB" and where are they now? STBXW is pregnant by OM, living with their divorced spouse in the house (while they are still __ing OP), their W is inviting the affair partner over for dinner parties, wives left pregnant or with newborns, and spouses coming and going all times of day with no accountability.
Boundaries in all relationships are needed for them to be healthy. Boundaries are defensive in a nature they are about about how people can treat you. Why would anyone respect, love, cherish or honor you if you let them treat you like dirt?
In my bones I can't believe that any therapist, counselor, coach, psych, doctor, lawyer, police officer, clergyman, rabbi, friend, parent, DB vet, or guru would counsel someone to have no boundaries. I really don't think this is gospel from MWD.
I think boundaries are great. They show you see your spouse and give them freedom to choose their path. They also show that you love yourself and that you think you matter - that's attractive. Probably a 180 for most people too. Lot of heartache can be avoided by having healthy boundaries. Lovingly detach people it works.
"Love God and love your neighbor as yourself."
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
