Stillness

[aeolianchaos]

AND you were not expecting the call!

Just to be clear, it was an online chat. I thought about saying a lot of things but then thought better of it.

One of the great things about that kind of communication is that I feel like i have the space to really process what I want to say and what reflects me and who I want to be the best.

It's like opening the cookie jar, and then putting the lid back on without taking anything out.

Could be reaching out to see what can be rebuilt and that could include mere friendship...but could also mean more.

I wrestle with this. I don't want to read too much into her words or be led on unnecessarily. However, I don't want to FAIL to lead her in that direction if guidance is part of what she is looking for.

I purposely avoided arguing w/ or stating my feelings yesterday for that reason. I have been clear that I still want to be married, that I refuse to hold onto my old grudges, and that I want to be married to someone who wants me.

I don't believe that continuing to state these things will be parts of what works.

But she clearly believes -or wants me to believe she believes- that I do not want to hear from her and have no interest in any kind of communication.

Keep in mind, this is someone who walked out and filed for divorce w/in a month.

I also don't know if perhaps she regrets that choice.

But dang, I didn't recall it AT ALL when h brought it up, so I denied it happened. Only later when all 3 kids recalled it for me, did I cringe!! Talk about looking stupid AND wrong and weirdly defensive and dishonest, blah blah blah BLECH.....

The mind certainly can play tricks on us. And you're correct, it is easy to forget that while people have shared experiences, they also have their own distinct personal experience and it may be wildly different from my own.

I don't know that I encountered any of that yesterday, but I will need to think more about that phenomenon and how it applies in my circumstances. Thank you.

"Spouse, I got your voicemail. I'm sure there's a perfect answer to your message, but at the moment, it escapes me. --Spouse"

This is gold. Thank you, again!