Been waking up after only 5 hrs of sleep every night all week and very sick to my stomach. This stopped in August.. I'm not too excited about it coming back.
Work has me stressed. One of the producers is green but instead of admitting when she doesn't know the rules, she just makes my job difficult. Trying different tactics (other than telling her what how it is) but nothing seems to be working. It's like high school.
Birthday celebration is tomorrow. Still haven't found a bar yet.. but have friends on it. I had a dream that my w had a surprise birthday gift for me to go paintballing and was upset that I was going with my friends instead.
That was fun. I've been trying to push w out of my mind since my work has me a little too busy to do anything about it. So I guess my sitch needed to work it's way into my brain somehow.
The dream was about two things. The stress and sadness of my 1st birthday w/o w. I know I will be hurt if she doesn't wish me happy birthday. I know I will be hurt if she does. Trying to manage my expectations there.
The 2nd is of her being jealous of my friends. It's not like I hung out with them often, but I always did get alot more phone calls and invites than her. It wasn't she joined OA until she began to have a social life.. with other OAers.
I responded to her asset list yesterday. Her list is very broad. It looks like it took her 5 minutes to write it. I created one awhile back that is in much more detail. So I told her I will have stuff to add to it. She included our wedding rings on the list which I thought was interesting. I didn't even think to consider them.
I also told her I couldn't meet in Sept. I'm working 14 hrs a day M-F and our mediator isn't available on the weekends. I said we could try to schedule the first week in October. I don't know how she will handle it.
I still don't really want to see her though. I don't want to have these meetings and I don't want D. Weird thing is that I'm not sure I want M either. There are a ton of feelings there.
However I have to make sure I'm not using this feelings to run away from her. I've been praying to God that if he doesn't feel I'm ready to take this step to not open the door.. but when he feels I am, I will walk through it.
I will be scared sh!tless... but I'll take that first step.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
