One of the things that I see happen sometimes here is people develop a sense of superiority (for lack of a better word), because they are DBing, they are healing, and their spouses are not. Because they are not making the same hurtful mistakes that their spouses are. Because they are making conscious choices instead of acting on pure emotion.
We are not superior, just in a completely different place than they are.
If and when they come around, they have a lot of catching up to do. That is when it becomes up to us to decide if we are going to be there while they do that and see what happens once the process is completed.
Jack did that. He gave his W that opportunity. He will be the first to tell you that that is the time when the true work begins.
I did it. The first time my STBX came around. Unfortunately, his MLC wasn't complete and neither of us did ALL of the work necessary to make things stick.
This time, I ended up chosing not to do it. Chosing not to be there. I tried. I tried until my heart was so shattered that sometimes I think I am still missing a few pieces...
While I was putting it back together, as I was picking up the pieces, they held my answers. They were different, changed. They still held the love for my STBX that will always be there. They didn't hold the desire to repair the M anymore. They didn't hold the commitment to him and the M. Instead, they held acceptance of his choices. They held my strength and my commitment to myself.
As Beatrice said, it wasn't an "administrative" decision. It wasn't a decision at all. It just was. Then the decisions came after that.
I am truly sorry that Jack's post upset you. I remember when he said those very words to me. I remembered it when I read the post. And I very clearly remember my response. It was "yes, technically, I am having an affair." There was no offense taken, no sting if you will. It was a simple statement to the fact that I was still legally married. Two years later, I am still legally married. Sometimes that end of it takes a long time.
Two years later, I am in a wonderful relationship. With an LBS, a DBer. It is the best and hardest (in some ways) relationship I have ever had in my life (friendship or otherwise).
It isn't a secret. It isn't all over the boards either. Not because of board rules. I didn't meet a DBer, I met a person, who happens to DB.
It isn't on the boards because it does happen, not tons like you implied, but it does happen, and it usually doesn't work for very long. Because of the relationship dynamics. Because of people's vulnerability when they meet. Because people aren't ready yet. Because it isn't easy.
TAM,
Several of yesterdays posts seem to hold some sting for you. Those are the things that need to be looked at. Not picking on you, honest, we all have things that cause us sting. We all have things that we can work on, change, improve, or at least examine.
Your choices, have to be for you. They can't be driven by a sense of superiority over your H, a sense of selfrighteousness of what you deserve, a desire to be loved, anger and frustration over the situation as it is right now. Or the good feelings that come from someone giving you the attention that you crave.
Do you deserve to be loved?
Yes, we all do.
And when the time is right, it will happen.
If it isn't your H, you won't call the person OP, regardless of the legal status of your M. You won't get upset is someone questions the validity of the R. It will just be.
Just like if the time comes for you to D, you won't have all of the anger that you hold right now. You will probably have a sense of sadness, but the anger, should be gone.
Time is your friend if you allow it to be. There is no need to rush anything. None of us can know for certain what lies on the road ahead...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
