Endeavour, You are welcome and I will be glad if I can help in any way.
Unfortunately, you have to accept your H deceived you for a year. Infidelity equals lies, deceit, half truths etc. It's a fact. It means he was looking at you in your eyes, sleeping in the same bed with you and at the same time was involved with another woman.
BUT, that doesn’t mean he still does (lie). To me your H sounds as those men that get jolted back to reality due to some dramatic/weird twist of faith. It’s like something pulls them back to reality and suddenly they get a clear view of what has being going on. Granted the unfortunate “incident” with your kids, your H was jolted back only to immediately see the cost of his actions to those he loves. And if you question his love for you at this time, you can’t question his love for the kids (although in early days I did).
People used to tell me, “if you decide to accept him back/since you accepted him back, you aren’t entitled to react strongly every time you come across something about his A that bothers you”. In my book that is totally BS. Accepting my H back meant I should try give him the benefit of the doubt but not that I would have to like/forget/accept anything before I felt ready for it.
I tried to impose rules early on. Some were followed some didn’t work in my case. Everything I needed I got in due time. In your shoes, I would only stress out HONESTY. Because if he isn’t honest and you happen to “catch” him, even if it is a detail, you will feel the blow hard. He needs to realise that. He must NOT fall into the trap of “not opening up because I will hurt her”.
It’s too early to talk forgiveness. Don’t worry about that now. Now do/ask/take what you need. May it be time, details, facts, words… Keep the lines of communication open with your H. Sharing painful stuff is exhausting but leads to desired connection without which you won’t be able to heal.
You said you like Passionate Marriage. That book helped me survive many crazy nights. I love it. Read ”soothing your self”, read what Schnarch says about infidelity (cant remember if it is PM or the new book or the audio), that infidelity isn’t a hit towards you, it’s first of all a hit towards this person’s integrity. Also google “holes in the roof” by penny something.
If you read my threads don’t get discouraged. I had to start recovery with H’s horrible work schedule, my dad’s death, not to mention his A lasted almost 3 years, one of which we were separated and I met someone else… How does that sound? Still I can honestly say that we are doing really good. I thought we wouldn’t make it. Sometimes I still wonder. But our happy moments are many and I am again starting to feel proud of him in many ways which is for me a sign I am starting to forgive.
Your kids need reassurance things can be fixed. How do you handle that? I mean emotionally. Can you hadnle it? K
