The last time, it was D's cutting. At that point, H stopped talking about separation or divorce, and seemingly hunkered down for a long term miserable existence. I let it be, thinking that nothing lasts forever anyway, but the contact with OW was continuous, the way he treated me cycled, nothing much happened over the last 5 months.
This time it is D again.
She is starting to have problems in school - a victim of emotional abuse from her friends. She is an introvert, passive, but her friends all want to control her, not wanting her to be friends with others, threatening to spill her secrets if she does. So she has lost trust, and added to the bigger fact that she shared with me that she thinks that my M is hopeless, even if we stay together..... thus making her life suxx, she has on occasion has had suicidal ideations.
She thinks her life is meaningless, directionless. I of course tried to turn her thinking around but kids never listen to their parents. Especially since in her mind we are the cause of her misery in a big way.
Hi Angel
Sometimes I think it’s helpful to reframe some issues so we can become more realistic about them. Sometimes, I think we make issues bigger than they need to be, so we can use them to gain attention or otherwise manipulate a situation to how we want it to be.
There is a pattern you seem to have fallen into of using your daughters growing-pains to engage your husband. The risk with that is, that your daughter can’t help but know, subconsciously, that she’s a player in the dynamic between you and your H. That’s potentially pretty damaging stuff for a young girl in her formative years. Those scars can stay with us for life and set her up to be codependent and lack self-awareness as an adult.
Realistically, kids have problems with their friends at school. It’s actually a part of learning to be a social creature. School and our childhood friendships are the basis upon which we develop our resilience and personal ethics and boundaries. She needs to go through those experiences to understand how the world works and to build the resources she will need in herself to operate in the world as an adult.
It’s great that you and your H are so involved in her life – but, and I say this with the greatest of respect – there also seems to be an element of control and transference in your reaction to her school-yard issues.
Quote:
I of course had to tell H. I meant to just say it without blame and judgement
What blame and judgement can you possibly infer, or even think, he has that your daughter is having a tough time with her friends at school??? Can you see that is a pretty long bow to draw?
In your head, your world would be perfect if your husband would just snap out of it and love you again. But your daughter’s issues are your daughters issues, and the way she is coping with them, is with the skills that she has. The only blame I can see that can be apportioned is that somehow she has learned that when things go wrong- rather than deal with what’s happened, it’s reasonable to break-down, self-harm, blame everyone else and maybe kill herself.
Angel, are you going to IC? Girl, I know this is tough and I know that it’s painful – but we have the option to grow through this experience and learn about how we have been creating some of our own problems by the way we deal with them. What you do and how you behave is what your daughter is learning is “normal”. That’s a big responsibility and one I know you take very seriously.
