Another crisis.....but H opening up now

[angel61]

While I was at work I kept on thinking of what I did and said, and I did not know whether I had completely ruined everything, all the chances we had, by reverting back to being controlling and by the initial blaming that I did. I kept on justifying my actions by saying that whatever it may be, we cannot rock the boat right now because of our D's situation.

Our conversations though, unlike before, was so much calmer, so much more productive. He was not being illogical most of the time, rather he was telling me about how he was reacting, and he also admitted several times how he knew what he wanted was wrong, how he knew that, how he actually did not maintain an actual R with the OW (no ILY's exchanged, no committments, no expectations).

When I got back from work, I again had a total meltdown, but at least I was alone. When he came back with D12 he was very attentive to both of us, he cooked dinner, and even brought the dog crate upstairs so D would have a companion in the room. He also started making small talk with me, talking about his sisters, his work, and generally being upbeat.

Next day I brought D12 to the therapist. She revealed so much problems at school, apparently her two best friends are jealous of her and threatening her if she makes friends with other girls, that after the session, when I told H about it, he was so upset that he immediately asked me to think about transferring D12 to another school.

That afternoon, we were discussing D12, her problems, the parents of the kids involved (who are also our friends), and what to do. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he told me that he understood how D12 felt becuase that was the same as how he was feeling. Stuck.

I decided to follow him up on it. Very calmly, I asked him to describe how he felt. He told me that first of all, I have nothing to do with it, its not me, not my fault. He just wants to have freedom.

He said that initially, pursuing OW was very important for him, but at this point, the feelings are already waning. He even told me that what I said was true, that the excitement wouldn't last, and that the distance and the knowledge that it was bound to fail has taken its toll.

The problem, he said, is that he does not have feelings for me anymore and that he could not imagine how we were going to have to suffer this in misery for the next 30 years or so of our lives. he feels hopeless, does not see a way out of it, he does not want to get out of the M either for two reasons: we have a child and his religious beliefs.

He talked about the worst option, which was to take his own life, and being attractive as it was runing away.But he knew he would never do that. Next worst thing would be to throw away everything and leave the M. Again, he said that he knew that would not work either, because we would always be connected, he still had his responsibilities, he would feel horrible not fulfilling his obligations. His other thoughts were that we would separate, but live together, allowing him freedom and yet the staisfaction of fulfilling his obligations, etc. but all of those were unsatisfactory in some way or another, so it still comes down to us remaining together.

I told him that the least we could do if we both think there is no other way but to stay was to just try to keep each day as pleasant as we could. He agreed.

At the end of the conversation, I started feeling really bad for him, not for me, because I could see the struggle he was having, and it really tore me up as well. I came over to him, gave him a hug, told him that he is a good man and that I feel so bad for him, and he did not resist.

One good thing that came out from all of this is that he is now willing to go to retrouvaille. If anything, just to try to find some purpose in life, in our M. I told him that I am not expecting him to love me, but just that we should try to make the best of what we have. I have registered for the next session.

I am now going to pull back, we;ve had to many deep convos. Although it seems to have brougt a breath of fresh air somehow, it still shows that he is deep in it. I don't know though if the ability to communicate about it and admit eveything without anger is a sign of moving forward.

I myself am so confused about all that has happened, I have been so reactive that I want to be able to pull myself together.

Comments, anyone?