Regretful and not sure how to proceed

[In_Shock]

well things took a dramatic turn for the worst. Funny. today i listed good things. one was she has not got an exit strategy. Apparentlly now she does.

I am ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED thought things were going better. I am right back DYING again. OMG I can't do this. She's going to leave.

All my DB flew out the window as she told me again she's done.

can't type now. Gonna take something and sleep. Wish i could sleep the weekend.

Please help.

[In_Shock]

convo was terrible. she reiterated done - nothing but anger for me - i can't be there emotionally. she can't teach me. she's wanting out of the house. share S4. OMG i can't lose him. I need him with me.

My family has fallen apat. i didn't think she would really do this, - says she feels that by living with me she's cheating on OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF???????????

I am SO horribly sad.

[LearningPatience]

I'm so sorry to hear that IS. Do know that the WAS is on a parallel rollercoaster, experiencing ups and downs like us. Sometimes, the way they handle their negative and conflicting feelings is to lash out at us. It's hell, I know.

((IS))

[25yearsmlc]

as hard as it is Mary, take a step back.

She thinks she wants her freedom. You cannot control that. Relinquish the illusion you have of being able to make a difference to her plans, at this moment in time.

Your ONLY focus now must be on s4 and YOUR GAL/Changes...

Let HER go but have her leave s4 with you. Yes, you heard me. Keep him.
If she has legal rights over yours, well, crap. make sure that's true.

If she does get s4 physically, make the most of your time with him. And don't assume he'll immediately take to OW or that she will, to him...

You cannot stop your w, but you do not have to help her leave.

She is taking a trip but didn't invite you. She thinks she's in love. Accept that she believes this.

You cannot convince her or argue with her that she IS happy but doesn't know it

nor can you argue that she SHOULD BE happy w/you, b/c she thinks she's not (so she's not.)

All you can do is protect yourself/s4 and let her begin her journey that much faster

without you making it worse or longer. Make sense?

We don't know the exact words to say to make things better OR the things to do...we often only know what will likely make it worse. Avoid those.


Pleading and arguing usually make it worse, and never make it better.

Hold your head high Mary, let her go and find out that the grass is greener where it gets the most water.

in TIME, she will miss you.

No way that OW has all your good traits but no flaws you lack?
Sorry, but that's not realistic.

Let her leave with memories of you NOT pleading or begging,

but looking and being your best. A changing evolving mary...

Mary-who knows she will indeed be a great partner for her next one. Whether it's w or not...

I hope that issue (s4) doesn't turn into any kind of battle. Don't you dare surrender him in a way that ever makes him feel you gave up on him...fight for him.

PLease do what you can to Make sure he knows when he's a grown man, that you fought to have him with you as much as you could. I think it's so important.

Mary, this was actually expected...and makes sense.

MEANING, she wants to be with ow. Now the fantasy can end, and she can get to know the real OW...

and the fantasy can begin to end...IN TIME. So meanwhile, what will you do?

YOU will be growing as much as you can, as fast as you can, more GAL and pushing your comfort zones...ever enlarging them...and ever enlarging your resources internally and externally...

You do not need her. You love her, to be sure. But you do not NEED her.

Please get this. You deserve to be happy.

[In_Shock]

thanks -- i still feel like dying.... and yes, it's SO much worse b/c she says she's taking S with her.. .and i can have him sometimes......I'm the one who's been there with him/for him his primary caretaker. Her name is on the adoption. OMG I simply cannot lose my son. I really will die. I will give up.

I know I'm totally emotional - I'm falling apart yet again. I just didn't expect this. I really thought our spending moe time together, etc.... ws good. I thought we connected, esp the otehr night. She said she felt like she's cheating on OW by being here with me.

She cannot take my son. She can't. OMG. I can't do this. Legally I know in this god forsaken state i am screwed. I really will die wihtout him. I need my boy. I need him and he needs me. She barely is even there for him anymore....me and her mom.

What can i do?? the legal system totally disregards this type of issue. The horror is it effects us the same and the kids the same as hetero marriages/divorces. Why is that so hard to see???? MY sitch here is so similar to others who are heyero. Why the discrimination???? I'm still going to die if she takes him.

Im sorry, I am totally emotional. this is also the first night she has not slept in our bed. Says she has to do something different. She doesn't even like me....but acknowledges my positive changes === WTH???? Says I just can't be what she needs.

In the end I said i will show you - she said go ahead. I'm done. I've been planning this for a ong time but stayed b/c of the house....Im glad I don't drink and glad I am too chicken for suicide. Im about there. DESPERATION.

btw i didn't bring up R talk. i thought we were having a nice night..... I'll give specifics tomorrow. I took a xanax. maybe i'll get a couple of hours sleep>

Thanks for support. I need it so badly. I'm so dead inside. Sorry to be having a pity party but my god my sitch is HORRIBLE. I can't lose my boy. I will die.

[25yearsmlc]

you will not die.

Your pain is deep but not fatal and it will last awhile but it is NOT eternal.

Stop saying you are going to die. (Well, we all are, but you know what I mean)


See a Lawyer asap. Don't argue about that, just get it totally clarified. Geez, maybe make your case a landmark one b/c it's not straight versus gay

it's primary caretaker versus non custodial parent...
That's the issue, what is best for HIM, not her or gay or blah blah blah.

And realize that you need to relax, step back and give her some space. NO PURSUIT...

read those rules again.

Let her have all the rope she wants and then drop it.

At least it'll be easier to go dark. No contacts except picking s4 up and you'll look great then and you will BE UPBEAT AND MYSTERIOUS

and she won't let on...but she will notice...

IF she moves into a house with OW that fast and takes s4 --you may even have a greater case b/c you are providing the stable home, not her.

Leave her to her "task" of discovery. Fight for your son. Do your program of changes you wanted to do anyhow.

And detach from her. Do NOT let her actions determine your happiness.

[Luckyclover]

My family has fallen apat. i didn't think she would really do this, - says she feels that by living with me she's cheating on OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF???????????

Oh yes, yes! My H said this too when he left me in 2008 for OW#1. I tried to kiss him, seduce him.. anything (fool that I was) and he said he couldn't because he'd be cheating on the person he loved... OW#1.

Their relationship lasted four months after having moved in together. :S

But back to you... Oh my gosh.. I am so sorry to hear this, Shock.. I feel so much empathy for you. Everything you are saying rings familiar. I am so sorry... but I'm not surprised that she had an exit planned. Our situations really seem to mirror each other. Thank goodness for anti-depressants, I say..

Again.. I am so sorry. This is the hardest part you'll have to get through but YOU CAN DO IT! I know you can! If I can do it then by law, you can do it too.

Try to list some of the pro's about her moving away... don't focus on the cons (hard, I know) but list out a few pros.. just a couple. Think of it as homework... I'll start you out with one.

1) You won't have to be in the same house as that awful texting anymore.

That one is on my pro list! It is such a relief to not have the affair in my face. It was nearly impossible to GAL with it there.

Come back to us! Post often.. and read everything 25 posted twice. I know I will.

[In_Shock]

well that was a futile night. I slept - with xanax - about 1 1/2 hours off and on. 25 - as always... thank you. I will post more later.

Lucky -- Yes, hon, I remember reading your sitch so many times thinking the same thing about how it mirrors mine SO completely in many ways. The one thing I'm having the most trouble with right now is her saying she will take my son. That is what is keeping me semi-sane through all this. I can't believe she would take him and move him out of his only home he's ever known - in with either just her (yeah, sure....) or with that lowlife OW.
Of course it adds insult to injury that i have no legal rights to him, so i am at her mercy. That is where the whole dying thing comes in..... It may not be fatal, but it feels like if she takes my only boy....i know people get divorced every day. Children are split b/w parents..... but.... i cannot do it. He is my world. I begged her please don't take him.

25 yes I will see a L asap but I know the law in this state. No two parent adoption. Great how the legal system has a heart huh? We ARE a family - regardless of definitions. We have been together longer than many marriages. And I LOVE my son. Yes, I will fight if need be, but I'm so afraid there are no options. So scared. So sad. Honesstly.... i don't know how people do it.

Thank you for the replies. I have to get ready for work. That should be interesting in my lack of sleep/lack of state of mind. with my lack of will to live. I'm ready to give up.

Trying to take a step back, but all i see is everythign falling away from me. My son. Everything.

[In_Shock]

Lucky, i will remember today that if you can do it (numerous times yet) I can do it. Yes, the OW won't be in my living room anymoe at night. That is a good thing. Im just so afraid my son won't be here either.

Why the he!! are the WAS so selfish???????? SHe has to know this is NOT GOOD FOR HIM! Selfish--- teenage--- behavior.

I feel as if I could hate her right now. Lucky, are you there with me on that? I hate her - i love who she was. I hate what she is doing to us/family -== i love the memories. I have to be a better me 25 -- I know. I am going to try.

I really wish I could figure out the alternate universe thing. A chat in RT would be nice.

[jbnati]

I_S. I am so sorry this is going on for you right now. ((()))

....but acknowledges my positive changes === WTH???? Says I just can't be what she needs.

I've heard this almost verbatim before - it was the night of bomb #2. She is truly "in love" right now and "in love" with everything that comes with it. Reality will eventually come crashing down on her, when this dream of smoke dissapates.

Fight for your S. This is the kind of thing that infuriates me. It's unbelievable the wayward spouse can get away with this. It's definitely not the best thing for your S. You're the one providing a stable home and your W wants to drag your S along on her misadventure. Do everything in your power, and I know you can and will, to fight for your S.