Stillness

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=aeolianchaos]Thanks, LG..

I don't doubt that there is some kind of change going on. Seems like its been going on so long now that I find myself questioning if I'm really changing.

But I'm pretty sure I am, just not entirely sure what that's going to look like.

OMG--This was a long talk! But like you said, SHE initiated it. And you know what?
Your responses were about as DBing perfect as ANY I've seen here,
AND you were not expecting the call! Wow...

I Loved the "would do many things differently" answer. (So applicable SO often) and I thought

she sounded extremely receptive to insights. And kind.

Also struck me that she was grateful to hear your forgiveness, without either of you saying it out loud. Beautiful...just gracious on both ends. I will have to read up on all the history b/c I don't recall how angry it once was...but from where I sat reading it, unless this is a one time only contact, I smell a serious reaching out.

Either she's just wanting to honestly get things off her chest with some ownership (nothing wrong with that)

AND....OR

she's reaching out. Could be both. Could be reaching out to see what can be rebuilt and that could include mere friendship...but could also mean more.

IF there is a recon you can spell things out more IF truly needed...

but I no longer believe I have to match up my historical reviews with my h's b/c I now believe it's frickin' impossible to recall and view history between 2 people in identical ways.

Accident witnesses don't agree.

What matters is now and tomorrow, agreeing on how to move "from this day forward"...

WELL DONE A, very well done.

[b]
However - I'm sure there are things I could have done better -- or opportunities that I missed in this conversation. So I would hope that at the very least I go to bed with a few bruises tonight.

Of course, anyone who wants to dare interpreting my W's language for me - please do. Any messages in all of that? [/quote][/b]


A suggested response for future reference...

The suggestions for replies to marital revisions-you already know one of them...(i.e., the 2nd one)

1) If it's a wildly inaccurate revision of an event, or something you don't even recall, (Or you believe is actually a lie), you say "Wow, i don't recall it that way (or at all) but I'm sorry if you were upset/hurt."

(BTW--don't rule out the possibility that you can actually forget an event. Worst thing I did was literally FORGET an event in which I made an ambiguous remark that in hindsight DID probably sound sarcastic (wasn't).

But dang, I didn't recall it AT ALL when h brought it up, so I denied it happened. Only later when all 3 kids recalled it for me, did I cringe!! Talk about looking stupid AND wrong and weirdly defensive and dishonest, blah blah blah BLECH.....

So learn from MY mistake. Don't deny an event that ooops, DID happen and ooops find out you DiD hurt them...-Never say they are "lying" or "twisting things" 'as usual' and or 'escalating".

The first response written, as is, defies argument & prevents escalation.

2) If it's a revision that has some or a lot of validity to it, and you SO wish you had done it differently, you can say "well yes, if I had it to do over again, there are LOTS of things I'd do differently",

This also defies argument or escalation AND it shows insight on Your part...i.e., you are changing...you are not defending...you are NOT excusing...you are "GETTING IT"...

AND that = Things could be different. And neither response makes you a doormat.

A third one I came up with the other day is for when you know they've said something important but

you are so taken aback that you literally don't know what to say

(Or they don't deserve a reply, maybe, but you don't want to be rude)

you say

"Spouse, I got your voicemail. I'm sure there's a perfect answer to your message, but at the moment, it escapes me. --Spouse"


A, For an unexpected conversation, you did very well.

Ya done good!