Thank you everyone! for all of your input! I do appreciate your words and advice. I had to think about my feelings to these posts and think about why I -not him- am feeling this way. Yes, it is time to figure me out. The only person I can!Just has this revelation tonight. NO joke. Anyway, forgiveness is something I have been working on. I am known by my H to hold grudges against him. He is right. Many thing were never worked through. Just a quick -sorry honey and that was that. Lots of rug sweeping. I rarely felt heard. I was made fun of for having feelings. His thoughts on feelings are-"I want facts not feelings". Yes, I agree, you cant lead on emotions but they are real and to be felt. He didn't agree. IT is what it is was his favorite line. So, I have been working on forgiving him because I see my errors. Forgiving myself I have yet to work on. Until tonight. IN our marriage there was very little room for imperfection when it came to me as his wife. I was held to a higher standard. One I could never meet in his eyes. The bar was always moved. Until finally one day I said enough. ANd that my friends is when all h*ll broke lose. Little by little he didn't like it. IT was freeing to me. I realized he was a perfectionist who expected me to be the same. He couldn't obtain his own goal so I had better to make him look better. I am not playing the blame game. I own my part- heaven knows I do. I could have learned better tools but I truly did the best I knew at the time. THis is good for me to say all of this. Bringing me some clarity. I believe he projected on to me his failures. I loved him for who he was. Not the money he brought home, what he looked like or who he knew. Just him. I know I wasn't a lousy wife. Could I have been better of course. But, no I am not perfect. NEver will be. I believe with all my heart I held up my end of our vows. To the best of my ability. I would have done anything for him. He has just lost the best friend he ever had. 25-In the early years I did often ask-nag whatever that he be home more. We wanted to spend time with him. For me it was about the quality time not the money. He didn't like this. He was working. OR, so he said. SO, I thought who am I to complain. Here he is working so hard - providing so abundantly for us. I can't complain. SO, I will be a good wife and mom. Then alll he has to do is work. Come home. Kick up his feet and eat and enjoy the kids, football whatever. Well, come to find out we were competing with the bar scene. Booze and a lifestyle I will never become accustomed to. Dont want to either. He took this path. I realize it will take time to heal. But, I want to move on. I have been alone for so long. Even when he lived here I realize now I was alone.
