OW called our house

[Endeavour]

Kalni,


Thank-you for sharing and for taking the time to post in my thread. I truly appreciate it.

And I do agree with you, Kalni in that my H seems to be reacting with great remorse. Compared to the other sitches I have read, I suppose it is surprising that he trying desperately to fix this mess rather quickly, and there is certainly some hope in his actions SINCE the A was revealed. BUT I'm still in shock so I don't truly believe anything that comes out of his mouth and find myself bracing for another bomb. After all, he has been lying his face off and deceiving me for over a year. I'd have to be pretty naive to start believing everything he says in only a week. Consistency and reassurance is what I need but I have no doubt you understand these feelings all to well, so I really appreciate you weighing in here and sharing your story.

Piecing and overcoming infidelity are the hardest things I ever had to do. I am still working hard to let go of the pain. Unfortunately, some things lost are difficult to recover and some will never come back. It takes patience, strength, control of your thoughts/triggers etc etc but the result is the greatest example you can give your kids of how you fight for something so precious. And I find this kind of love, the realistic, hard gained love to be true love. True love conquers everything and if you do love your H and he loves you, you can be that.

If I can help in any way in particular, let me know. Take for granted that I have felt how you feel and I am still in the process of healing...
Stay strong
Kalni

Thanks so much for your support, Kalni. I have been slowly making my way through one of your threads this morning and you are very strong, but I can also sense the pain in your words. Many of your posts gave me hope but others brought me to tears.

I am not looking forward to this journey. But I will continue to read your threads in the coming days because I have decided at this time that I will tell no one in my personal life so talking with people online who have been through this is my only lifeline at the moment. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this as well.
Thanks again,
E

((()))

Oh, and I am not a native speaker so fogive my mistakes...
K

You express yourself very well and I did not notice any mistakes.

[Endeavour]

kml,
I agree ow's batchit crazy behaviour seemed to only reinforce my H's feelings of disgust for her so in that sense, it was a good thing she called. He was already angry due to her repeated threats to share her pain with me (after H kept trying to break up with her) so she was already looking evil and crazy even before she called AND I do believe that he never thought the kids would find out in a million years. Also, I agree that my D is feeling the sting of betrayal as well.

myk,
you've come so far since your first posts. Your sitch was one of the first handful I followed. (I was reading long before posting.) And I want to thank you again for recommending that book.

[Endeavour]

lc, thank-you as always. I look forward to reading your posts because you're so peppy and cute, even though I don't know you BUT that's how I picture you.

25yearsmlc,

I understand. Questions not suggestions. Got it.

Although, I will disagree that my D16 is being overly dramatic. She's a sensitive kid. She was raw and emotional and needed some space. It was only for two days. I've heard the LBS on here posting about they stayed in bed all day, or cried all night, etc. I think she's doing the best she can with what has happened to her family...

THAT SAID, you are right. We need to move forward.

What now?

Retrovaille next month. I shared your thoughts with H on it so thank-you again for your posts. (Copied and pasted because I don't actually want him reading my threads.) Although, he did admit to reading the DB forum during all this but never knew I had a thread and he's not the type to look to carefully. Actually, I think he stuck to the A threads because he seems to use a lot of the lingo - the fog, affair withdrawal, how they're escape from pain and unhappiness, etc.

Anyway, according to the website the closet Retrovaille chapter was in the nearest major city which is about an hour away due to crazy traffic (no big deal because we both go in often for work) BUT now that we've registered, it turns out the coordinators live in our exact area AND the hotel location is even closer than we first thought. Most likely less than 20 minutes.

So yes, Universe at work over here too.

[Endeavour]

I know your D is struggling, how is your S holding up?

I have noticed that he wants to cuddle with me and H slightly more than usual. His LL is definitely Physical Touch and he loved to cuddle a lot before though...

And other than asking H two days ago if he broke up with that girl, and asking where he met her, he hasn't said a word about the situation since... (H reassured him he would never see that girl or any girl again).

Anyway, he has asked me to lie in our bed with him and H every night (I'm still in the guest room), and he insists that we BOTH have to put him to bed so we can tell he's looking for reassurance that mommy and daddy can be fixed. I really hope his age will prevent him from remembering too much. I did notice when he awoke the morning after the reveal, that he kept staring into space, and then at the ceiling for about 30 mins. He was also insisting there were bugs on the ceiling. Poor wee thing looked like a stunned wounded animal. It really scared me at first because he was so unresponsive but I think his little brain was processing the trauma.

[jbnati]

E, This seems like it may be the major shakeup your H needed. Who knows? This may be exactly what needed to happen for your M to get to a place better than it's ever been and better than it could be had this debacle never had happened.I don't blame you at all, though, for not being willing to trust him. He is going to have to work pretty hard at earning your trust back.

I think both your S & D are processing all of this in their own way. I think what happens over the next few days and week will really tell how their holding up. There's a lot of trauma right now. I really feel for your S because I have one of my own.

I hope you're holding up OK, too. I think it's only going to get better from here. I hope the OW fades out the picture soon.

More BIG HUGS. ((((()))))

We're behind you here. I'm thinking about you and keeping you and your family in my prayers.

[25yearsmlc]

I know your D is struggling, how is your S holding up?

I have noticed that he wants to cuddle with me and H slightly more than usual. His LL is definitely Physical Touch and he loved to cuddle a lot before though...

And other than asking H two days ago if he broke up with that girl, and asking where he met her, he hasn't said a word about the situation since... (H reassured him he would never see that girl or any girl again).

Anyway, he has asked me to lie in our bed with him and H every night (I'm still in the guest room), and he insists that we BOTH have to put him to bed so we can tell he's looking for reassurance that mommy and daddy can be fixed. and are together at bedtime...


I really hope his age will prevent him from remembering too much.


My hope and guess is that it'll be a vague memory of something that got resolved and forgiven, no matter what else happens in your m...hope that's clear.

geez your son.. breaking my heart AND wanting to smile at the same time... rent a fav movie for him and make popcorn and his fav foods, and just hug him extra for ME please....what a cutie patootie little guy with a big heart and brain-just trying to figure out what HE can do to fix things...GEEZ

maybe let him feel he's helping, okay? I don't think that's a bad thing, is it?

I just want to reassure him so much...(no pressure Endeavor!! )

Once when our son was about 4 we were arguing in the car about direction...not a big fight or anything but traffic was loud so we were louder. S4 looked afraid & said "don't fight, talk it out!"

verbatim what we told SON to do with his playmate that week.

They hear & see more than we know.

Endeavor, no path and no choice you make is without obstacles.

just stay the course for your family with an open heart. I think the answer will be revealed in time.

((( )))

[Kalni]

Endeavour,
You are welcome and I will be glad if I can help in any way.

Unfortunately, you have to accept your H deceived you for a year. Infidelity equals lies, deceit, half truths etc. It's a fact. It means he was looking at you in your eyes, sleeping in the same bed with you and at the same time was involved with another woman.

BUT, that doesn’t mean he still does (lie). To me your H sounds as those men that get jolted back to reality due to some dramatic/weird twist of faith. It’s like something pulls them back to reality and suddenly they get a clear view of what has being going on. Granted the unfortunate “incident” with your kids, your H was jolted back only to immediately see the cost of his actions to those he loves. And if you question his love for you at this time, you can’t question his love for the kids (although in early days I did).

People used to tell me, “if you decide to accept him back/since you accepted him back, you aren’t entitled to react strongly every time you come across something about his A that bothers you”. In my book that is totally BS. Accepting my H back meant I should try give him the benefit of the doubt but not that I would have to like/forget/accept anything before I felt ready for it.

I tried to impose rules early on. Some were followed some didn’t work in my case. Everything I needed I got in due time. In your shoes, I would only stress out HONESTY. Because if he isn’t honest and you happen to “catch” him, even if it is a detail, you will feel the blow hard. He needs to realise that. He must NOT fall into the trap of “not opening up because I will hurt her”.

It’s too early to talk forgiveness. Don’t worry about that now. Now do/ask/take what you need. May it be time, details, facts, words… Keep the lines of communication open with your H. Sharing painful stuff is exhausting but leads to desired connection without which you won’t be able to heal.

You said you like Passionate Marriage. That book helped me survive many crazy nights. I love it. Read ”soothing your self”, read what Schnarch says about infidelity (cant remember if it is PM or the new book or the audio), that infidelity isn’t a hit towards you, it’s first of all a hit towards this person’s integrity. Also google “holes in the roof” by penny something.

If you read my threads don’t get discouraged. I had to start recovery with H’s horrible work schedule, my dad’s death, not to mention his A lasted almost 3 years, one of which we were separated and I met someone else… How does that sound? Still I can honestly say that we are doing really good. I thought we wouldn’t make it. Sometimes I still wonder. But our happy moments are many and I am again starting to feel proud of him in many ways which is for me a sign I am starting to forgive.

Your kids need reassurance things can be fixed. How do you handle that? I mean emotionally. Can you hadnle it?
K

[ncl]

Just checking in on you...you and your kids are on my mind and heart often. I hope you and your family had a quiet, pleasant, drama-free (no ) weekend.

[jbnati]

E just checking in on you. I've been thinking about you. Hope you and your family are doing well as y'all can be doing in spite of things.

[Endeavour]

I thought I'd check in. This will probably be jumbled though as I got about 1 1/2 hours of sleep last night because...

The emotional rollercoaster continues. Although, the ride is definitely starting to have less dips, and it's moving a lot slower too.

H and I have been talking things through and sharing a lot of tears, but our conversations also haven't been this honest and open in years. Although, we've both said numerous times during the past 13 days that we'd give anything to go back and erase this horrible portion of our lives.

And I still have moments where I can't believe this is really happening.

That said, I definitely feel H's remorse. He's been expressing it both through his words and his actions thus far. Yet, I'm cautious and probably will be for a long time. And of course, I'm still angry and I'm sure that will take time to dissipate as well.

Now that I look back, I can definitely see the signs of the A that I missed, or simply ignored and discounted because I had turned my attention away from my M. I knew it wasn't working but I was so tired of trying to talk to H, that I eventually just relented and focused on other things in my life.

We both agree that neither of us had been meeting the others needs for years before this happened. However, H has assured me that his choice to have an A regardless, was wrong. Very wrong.

Anyway, I purchased two books on infidelity, "Not Just Friends" which is good, and another one that I don't like at all (it's poorly written). H and I have been reading them together in bed which is strange but he's said he doesn't want me to read them alone. I'm not sure we should be bonding over the books but it is what it is right now. H's account of his feelings and the events, this board and the books - I think everything combined has helped me to process.

(Kalni, like you, I also find Passionate Marriage comforting and have decided to read that before bed now because reading the infidelity books too close to bedtime only leads to sleepless nights).

Yesterday, H and I had to travel by car together for 8 hours to deal with a issue surrounding a business we used to own. Needless to say, we had a lot of time to discuss the details of the A which was somewhat productive in that H gave me more reasons to believe that even if I ended our M today, that he would never ever go back to ow. He's been saying that he was done with her since her call, but I'm slowly starting to believe that there is a lot of truth in that declaration because I really don't get the sense that H has much respect for her.

He claims she was simply a distraction from the pain of our failing M because when he realized that leaving the M meant being free to be in a real R with her, he started to panic at that thought.

He began to see her more clearly and he saw that she was petty and self-absorbed. That she constantly complained about her friends and stupid nonsense so often, that he got tired of listening to her talk. He said when I talked about my career, he always found it interesting but her conversations about her career and her life were just plain boring and annoying. He also said she's actually not very bright and that began to bother him as well. He said her laugh is annoying, her mannerisms are annoying and the list goes on...

He said he knows I have no reason to believe him but he was done with her without a single doubt before she even called our home, and that's why he hadn't seen her for 3 weeks. He said her annoying habits and traits, combined with the fact that she acted incredibly selfish and unstable by making threats to call in the first place, had all cumulated in him being done with her.

Her actually calling was proof that he was right about what he had realized about her character. She is definitely NOT who he wants and that to be very blunt, the A could have been with anyone, and actually had very little to do with her. It was about his selfish mindset and the state of our marriage, which is why he attracted a selfish person. Ow was just there at the right time. He said it's horrible and ugly, but that's the only way to explain it because he finds her extremely unappealing as a person now.


I haven't mentioned it before but I was also surprised when I saw that ow is not very attractive. (I had Googled her name because she hung up the first time she called, and I always Google strange names that call our home and hang up). She's rather plain and not at all what I would imagine would be H's type. H said that he knows that it's obvious that I'm a lot more attractive and have a nicer body, but that it was never about looks. It was simply about that fact that she made him feel wonderful and loved. (I have also found by reading the forums as well as information on infidelity that the affair partner is usually a trade down. Interesting. I guess I always assumed the ow would be some stunning temptress).

Also interesting, is that my self-esteem has not taken a hit because of this situation. I realize this woman is not more appealing or nicer, or in anyway better than me. I have higher morals and more self-respect, and cannot EVER imagine a situation in which I'd want to "share the pain" with an innocent woman and her poor children. I've always struggled with my self-esteem so this is rather surprising to me. My pain is definitely about the betrayal and the lies. I'm jealous because she shared far too much with my H but she is not worthy of my envy. That is for sure.

I told H that sometimes when I look at him now, that I feel as if perhaps I never knew him. BUT he assures me that I did know him, and I do know him. That who he became, and what he did in the past year, is not who he really is, nor who he wants to be, and that he will never go back to that person again. He said he knows that I have no reason to believe him but he will never have an A again, and even if I divorce him, he will be a better man in his next M. An A will never be an option for him again. He's learned too much and the cost was too high. He also said it was obvious by his appearance that it was killing him. He kept getting eye infections, severe acne and was generally looking really horrible. (D16 had mentioned this to me months ago as well.)

Anyway, towards the end of our drive, H asked if I thought we could put our M back together. I said I honestly couldn't make any predictions or promises because the road ahead looked long and daunting. He began to cry and said, "Can we please just try? Can we please, E?"

I said I was overwhelmed by so many conflicting emotions and that I had no idea if we could put it back together...

But YES, we could try.

S7 who is now S8 (Happy Birthday to my beautiful boy!) is still cuddling and coddling us. He's such a loving little kid. (Yes, I will hug him for you, 25). We did talk the other night though and I asked if he had any questions or concerns but he's just happy that Daddy is still here living with us. As long as he seems happy, I don't want to bring the sitch up too much.

D is still struggling with all of this but she's doing better too. She still hasn't spoken to H and he wants to give her more time. Honestly, he's probably too raw himself to even broach the subject, but at least D is not avoiding him as much either. And I'm actually relieved to see her expressing her anger instead of going into a depression which is what she usually does in difficult situations.

It's strange now that H is clearly no long a WAS, I'm the one that is ambivalent some days. (Although, I was already heading in that direction after our Anniversary bomb). There are moments where I feel guilty for those feelings because so many posters here would give anything for another chance with their WAS, and here I am vacillating. BUT when you look at ahead and you see how long the road is and the flashbacks and the pain won't relent, it's not easy.

But I am trying...

And I believe WE are piecing.