The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

[LearningPatience]

Feeling a bit melancholy tonight. I've had a headache off and on all day, feeling crappy and had MC appointment.

W told the MC that the main thing the two of us discussed last Sunday was that she wanted the D. We spent most of the session talking about that; how we would stay (or even become friends) what that would mean to each of us, how would we handle the process, etc. I held it together well. MC said at one point we were talking (kinda arguing) well and if we were like that at the beginning. We were, but what that reminded me of (and I didn't say this in session, should have) is that I often felt I had to apologize for my part in things where W didn't. One complaint, even request, I should have said to W was that I needed to hear apologies when I'm hurt. W did admit that she could be pretty cruel at times, especially once she realized some of the things she was saying.

I know it's not over until the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor, but it still stings, D is one step closer. W knows she has to be the one to file. We both decided to use mediators if necessary, neither of us wants to go full on L.

One thing I give W a lot of credit for, and hope too, is that she realized that instead of finding out what she needed for herself, she kept herself so busy she had no time to think. She is going to take a lot more time to herself (so she says) to figure herself out and is dropping a couple of the sports and activities she has, including soccer with OM.

She says she is not interested in any physical R with me, which really hurts a lot. When we first started dating, she was *very* sexual with me, she's done her own 180 on that one. It's frustrating in that it has been well over a year and who knows how long it will be, if ever, with her again.

MC reiterated that I'm essentially the father figure for SD and that for all intents and purposes, MIL/FIL have 'adopted' me. I'm going to be in their lives for a long time, so unless W and I try to avoid each other, we won't really be out of each other's lives.

I just think it's so cosmically stupid that W and I got to this place. And I know stupid isn't the word, but I'll use it to describe the fact that W has seen my changes, that I've reverted to the man she first fell in love with, that we had a great history until recently, that she's seeing her own IC and MC, and yet doesn't, or can't, work on the M.

I do wish her luck on her journey, and I hope that someday we can find and reawaken the love we once had.