Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

Haven't had time to post lately, have been very busy at work, and, as I said, I don't post from home. Don't need W to be looking when I am trying to fix ME, and certainly don't need kids seeing me on something called "Divorce Busting." I don't want to have to explain to them. That word is not something they've even thought of, as far as I know.

Well, the other night, I broke all the rules. Totally botched up, as far as DBing was concerned. But I believe it brought us to a place where we needed to be.

I came home, and W was tired. She had been having trouble sleeping for several nights (still is having trouble, poor thing), and when I came in, we were getting along fine. The trouble started when she called me from the other room, and said that I had put the gas cap on wrong on the car. The "check engine" light had gone on. Well, my response was "What do you mean, 'put it on wrong?'" From my POV, just asking for clarification. Well, we went back and forth a few times before it broke into a fight. What a STUPID thing to fight over, right. Well, she got angry at me for asking, told me to read the manual myself, and left the room.

Well, although I have had some times where I have done pretty good at DBing, I lost no time breaking the DBing rules this time. I followed her, and wanted to know what I had said wrong. We ended up in the bedroom arguing. She told me that I had gotten defensive. I told her that I wasn't defensive, that I just wanted clarification, but she kept on referring to it as me being defensive. This, of course, drove me crazy. For me, at this point, it was no longer about the gas cap; I was just upset that she was telling me what my feelings had been without listening to what I said about my feelings. I wanted to be listened to, respected. I continued to argue with her, telling her she needed to listen to me.

We had actually been getting along well for several days. Such times always seemed to end with a fight over a stupid thing like this, and I knew from experience that once this little fight happened, W would be closed to me again for a perikod of days to weeks. I know you can't hold onto a time of progress with force, but dammit, I didn't want to let it go again, and have us slip into a sullen silence for weeks, so I fought. Made no sense to fight, but I was going to do it anyway. She told me several times that she was tired and wanted to go to bed, but I wouldn't let it go. I know that this was also the wrong thing to do, but at the moment I was running on emotions, not reason (equally wrong).

Finally, she said that she didn't want to bother with talking to me if she couldn't tell me a stupid little thing without me raising my voice(this is important). I asked her if she was saying that my very first response, "What do you mean," had been said with a raised voice, and she confirmed that. I apologized and said I had not realized my voice was raised, and I hadn't meant to raise my voice (on later reflection, when I calmed down, I realized that initially my face had become tense at that moment, and that I probably was feeling defensive, but I honestly hadn't recognized those feelings at the time). W was having no such apology. She remained angry, and did not want to talk any more. She rolled over and went to sleep.

I was angry and hurt, felt I had not been listened to or respected, felt that I had, in fact, been disregarded. During that conversation I said some things I shouldn't have, just trying to get W to pay attention to me. Of course, you can guess, that resulted in no progress. I layed down next to her, hurt, tense, and upset. I don't know if I could have fallen asleep that way. I know I didn't want to fall asleep like that.

After several minutes, I told her I was sorry we fought. Not assigning blame either way, just sorry that it happened. She answered, "Me, too." I was surprised and touched. When W is angry at me, I always feel completely rejected and unwanted, and it was such a welcome surprise to hear that she didn't want to be in such conflict with me that I turned to her and aksed, "Really?" Then her anger flared up again, and she answered sarcastically, "No, I'm lying! I hate it when you say that!" Wow, words like that sting when you have just softened up.

Then, she rolled over, away from me, on her side. I didn't know if it was to get away from me, or because she was willing to spoon. I put my arm over her, then felt unsuare, so I took it off.

After a minute or so, a light went off in my head that usually doesn't turn on until at least the day after a fight. From behind, W looked all tense. I turned toward her, and asked, "Are you still feeling tense?"

She started to tell me (for the umpteenth time) that she was tired, she didn't want to talk anymore but just to go to sleep. But she stopped, and asked, "Why do you ask?"

I said, "I don't know if you feel anxious or frightened when I raise my voice. But if you do, and if you still feel anxious, I would like to know if there is any way I can help you to feel better."

W turned and kissed me on the mouth. This is important, because it has been I don't know how many months since she has kissed me in the mouth other than when we are having sex. She usually will only offer me her cheek, for almost a year. Then she let me put my arm around her, and held my hand. And we went to sleep.

I think I am developing the ability to see beyond my own feelings. Eventually I hope I can do that during an argument, so we don't have to let it escalate.

I know that I should have controlled myself better, and I can't expect such a positive outcome if I regularly let my emotions get the better of me. But in this case, if I had not pursued the matter, we would have gone to sleep without my ever making that connection, that recognition of her feelings, while she was still hurting. This once, it worked out well.

I seem to be a kind of Jekyll and Hyde. Except in my case, Hyde is not evil, he's just completely emotional. Normally my rational mind controls everything, and I'm not even aware of my own feelings. If my intention is not consistent with anger, then as far as I am concerned, I'm not angry. Eventually my emotions become so intense that I can't control them. Then they control my actions, and reasoning gets completely bypassed. Either I think and am not conscious of my emotions, or I feel and my reasoning doesn't have a say in my actions. One of my biggest challenges right now is to integrate my thought and feeling, so that they are not such strangers to each other.

I have to leave now, but just wanted to put this up there. Yay for progress!